


Hurt and Comfort

by blackchaps



Category: Law & Order: SVU, Oz (TV)
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 07:13:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 76,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13208646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackchaps/pseuds/blackchaps
Summary: Their paths cross at Victim's Services, and neither of them will be lonely again. There's a cat, and this is set right after Stabler was shot in the courtroom. Nazis, always Nazis!





	Hurt and Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> An old one, and honestly, this one was dear to my heart, probably because of the cat. I apologize for format errors. This story has been on four laptops so there's some junk code.

Hurt and Comfort  
*******

Toby flipped on the TV and sat down to eat his dinner. He was alone, which was fine, and after he ate, he'd go to bed and read a little. The same thing he did nearly every night, except tonight he had the TV on for some noise. The late news came on, but he didn't watch. He took his plate to the kitchen and came back out with the cat in his arms.

"What the hell?" That was Olivia Benson on the screen. Toby had seen her before, but never spoken with her and for good reason. He sat down and turned the sound up a little higher.

"Meow."

"Shut up, cat," Toby muttered, putting the cat on the floor. He was too late to hear what Benson had said, but suddenly they cut to footage.

"Oh my fucking God." Toby ran out the door.

********

"Did you call Kathy?"

Stabler frowned up at her. "It's late. I don't want to upset them."

Benson sighed . "When's the divorce final?"

"Next week, more or less. I still have to sign the papers." Stabler looked away from her. He didn't want to discuss this, not now, not ever. "I'll be fine."

"I'll check in with you tomorrow." Benson gave him a small pat on the arm that wasn't in a cast. "Don't argue with the doctors like you do me."

Stabler smiled. He had to, or she wouldn't want to leave. "I'll be good. Go home and make sure to check-."

Benson was already gone. Stabler laughed . He'd thought that would work. He gently wiggled his shoulders to get a little more comfort out of the pillows. When he happened to glance back at the door, he groaned. "Shit."

Toby nodded and shut the door gently. "Deep shit. You are in deep shit!"

"Lower your voice," Stabler managed to growl. He'd hoped to avoid this until tomorrow.

Toby came to stand over him. "I always knew you'd get shot, but I really thought you'd call to tell me you were alive."

"Most cops don't get shot." Stabler fidgeted with the blanket. He did feel a trace of guilt. He'd thought of it, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, and the reason was simple - he'd have sounded like a big whiner. "I hoped you'd think I was bunking at the precinct."

"It was on the news." Toby ran a shaking hand through his long hair. "Nice shot of them taking your bleeding body and stuffing it in an ambulance!"

"Toby! Enough!" Stabler reached. He hadn't thought it through. Of course, it would be on the news. He probably had too many painkillers in his body to think clearly. "Please. I'm sorry."

Toby took him by the hand. "Fuck. I'm sorry. Here you are half-dead and hopped up on pain killers, and I'm yelling at you." He gingerly sat on the side of the bed. "You are half-dead?"

"Yeah." Stabler smiled. He couldn't help it. Toby had gone to angry to apologetic in record time. Stabler squeezed Toby's hand to reassure him. "I lost a lot of blood and a huge chunk of my arm."

"And it's broken. Large-caliber gun?"

"Oh yeah." Stabler hated to remember. "The boy could shoot."

Toby lowered his head. "Christ. What a fucking mess. Why is it always Nazis?"

Stabler glanced at the door. He wanted to pull him closer, comfort him, but it was a bad idea, too many nurses and cops around tonight. "Thanks for coming."

"Stupid cop," Toby whispered. "I passed Olivia in the hallway."

Stabler slid his hand up and encircled Toby's wrist. "Did you talk to her?"

"No. You never told her you had a roommate, did you?" Toby didn't sound angry.

Stabler bit the inside of his lip. He might as well tell the truth. "I like to keep my life private. Olivia and I are up each other's asses for days at a time."

Toby laughed . "I could have done without that description. Well, she's going to know now. Get used to the idea over the course of the next twelve hours."

Stabler groaned. He didn't think it was a good idea. He never had, but it was probably too late to do anything else. He'd have to try to control the situation. "Couldn't you take pity on a poor, broken-down cop?"

"No." Toby pulled a chair over and sat next to him. Their hands were still linked. "Anyway, she'll hire you a nurse, if she thinks you're going home alone. Admit it. Now is the time to mention it."

"It's a good point. She would." Stabler nodded. He was convinced, but he hoped Toby understood the risks. "Fine. You can meet her, but don't talk. Okay?"

"I promise to be the soul of discretion." Toby slowly caressed the palm of Stabler's hand. "Is the pain bad?"

Stabler hated to admit how much it hurt. "Yeah."

"Rest. I'll be here."

"Good." Stabler shut his eyes and let the painkillers drag him down.

********

Toby watched him sleep. He wanted to shake him for being so stubborn and kiss him for being alive, but neither was a good idea. Being pushy with Stabler was always a dicey prospect. There was a very small knock on the door, and he got up fast to answer it. He stepped outside.

"Who are you?"

Toby nearly stepped back at the intense words. This guy looked dangerous. Was it better to tell the truth, or skate around it? "I'm a friend of Stabler's - Toby Beecher."

"Funny. I ain't never heard of you." The black man extended his hand slowly. "Fin Tutuola."

Toby shook the hand firmly, trying to impart that he was a good guy. "He's asleep but go on in, if you want."

"What's the doctor say?" Fin's eyes were suspicious.

"I just got here. Saw it on the news." Toby stuck his hands in his pockets. He hadn't done anything wrong. "You a cop?"

"Yeah. You?"

Toby shook his head. That was laughable. And he wasn't volunteering what he was. Stabler would go ballistic. Toby hooked his thumb at the door. "Are you going in?"

"I'll come back tomorrow." Fin didn't smile. He didn't look like the type that ever smiled. "Beecher, huh?"

"Yeah." Toby had a bad feeling about this guy, so he tried to explain further. "We met at Victim's Services and became friends. I was just worried about him."

Fin seemed to relax a little. "You gonna sit with him?"

"I thought I would, for a little while, unless . . ." Toby began to think that Stabler had been right to keep him away from the precinct. Too many questions from too many people who were use to getting answers. He dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Nah. I'll be around." Fin took off down the hallway, walking with all the casual confidence of a gangbanger, and Toby had seen enough of them to know. Toby went back inside and sat down with a small thump. He hadn't been prepared for that, and Benson would be worse. Much worse and she'd want to understand why the hell Stabler had a roommate, which wouldn't be easy to answer.

"I hate it when you're right, " Toby whispered. He put his head in his hands and squeezed.

********

Stabler woke up with a jerk and shut his teeth on a curse, but a grunt still got out. Damn. His arm felt like someone had chopped it in half and stuck it back together. Shit. The room was mostly dark, but he'd know the figure asleep in the chair next to him anywhere. How long had it been? Four months? It seemed longer. He tried to find a more comfortable spot. It wasn't possible.

"Let me help." Toby was there, suddenly. Stabler bit his lower lip and let him try. Toby worked at it until it was better. "Okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks." Stabler squeezed Toby's shoulder. "You can't stay here all day."

Toby looked away and at the door. "I know. I'll go. I would guess that you're going to live."

"I am." Stabler wondered what had happened to change Toby's mind. He checked the clock. It was almost six a.m. "You could come back tonight."

"I'll bring real food." Toby gave him a shy smile. "And I'll feed the cat."

"It's your cat," Stabler growled. He smiled at Toby's expression. "If Kathy saw it on the news, she might call and-."

"I'll tell her the truth." Toby smiled back at him. "Everyone at work is going to ask about you."

"Tell them I'm fine and to send beer." Stabler slid his hand down Toby's arm. "Go on."

Toby nodded and rummaged in his pockets. "Bye."

Stabler looked around the room. "Where's your coat?"

"I, uh, forgot it." Toby blushed.

"Take mine. It's probably cold!" Stabler pointed at the closet. "Goof." He realized now how panicked Toby had been, and he felt guilty. "I'm going to be fine."

"I know. I can see it on your crabby face." Toby shrugged into Stabler's coat. It was too big, but it would work. He pulled it close, and Stabler saw him take a deep breath. It was a little frightening. Toby loved him so much.

Stabler pointed. "Check the hallway, give me a kiss, and beat it."

Toby did all three, two of them quickly, and one he lingered over. Stabler didn't mind. When they pulled apart, he took a deep breath. Toby ducked his head. "Bye." And he was out the door without looking back. Stabler stared after him and wondered again how things had gotten to this place. Benson was going to be upset for not telling her, but if she suspected what was really going on, he was in real trouble. Hopefully, it would never cross her mind. It was incredible to believe, especially for him. It had happened fast, and he'd regretted it for days before finally accepting it. He and Toby had something special. Both of them had been reluctant, and neither of them had wanted it, but they had fallen into a rhythm that was comfortable. It was damn weird.

"Good morning!"

Stabler pasted a smile on his face for the nurse and doctor. It was time to be poked, prodded, and have meds pushed down his throat. Hopefully, it would only be his throat.

********

Toby was nearly late after he made his way to Queens, showered, ate, fed the cat, and headed back to work. It turned out that no one was doing anything but talking about the shooting anyway. He slipped into his cubicle, put his head down, and tried to focus on the file in front of him. There was nothing to worry about, except for the risk of infection and the fact that Stabler might choke someone to death from being confined to a bed.

"Did you hear?"

Toby gave up on working. He was going to have to join the gossip. He did manage to get some work done, but not as much as usual. Well, they weren't going to fire him.

"Toby, are you coming in tomorrow?"

Toby hesitated. He usually did, but this week was different. "I don't think so. Don't count on me."

"You need a few days off. Don't worry about it."

Toby nodded and made another phone call. He'd finish this, get some food, and head over to the hospital.

********

Fin ran the name. He wasn't sure why. Something about the guy's manner, almost guilty, and definitely worried. Ah, there it was. Simple. Damn. What the hell was going on? Had he been robbing Stabler? Damn. Fin grabbed his coat.

********

Stabler was ready to go home. Now. Right now. He shifted impatiently on his butt for the tenth time that hour. They'd let him walk down to see Munch, but that was it. Another damn day in this damn bed. Just to be sure. To be safe.

"Why are you growling to yourself?" Toby asked as he maneuvered through the door with bags in his hands.

Stabler tried to push up, winced, and remembered the bar hanging down in front of him. He used it to pull up higher. Damn. Toby was there at the end of it, tucking the pillows against Stabler's back. Stabler tried to laugh, but his heart wasn't in it.

Toby did laugh . "You're mad as hell, aren't you?"

"Is it so obvious?" Stabler let his hand linger on Toby's forearm. Toby nodded and looked around. He started picking up, throwing things away, and getting out the food. Stabler shook his head. "Toby."

"Hey, it's not like you can do it, or I'd wait for you to do it!" Toby handed him a beer. "Just one."

Stabler grinned and popped it open. "Now I'm happy. You drove over here with that in the trunk, right?"

"Elliot, I don't have a car, remember?" Toby sat down in the nearest chair. "Eat. It'll cheer you up."

Stabler took a long drink. It did help. He pulled it down and sighed. "Thanks."

Toby smiled. Stabler eyed the cheeseburger. He would feel better if he ate it. The beautiful moment with his food was shattered by Fin throwing open the door. Two uniforms pounded inside right behind him. Toby got up fast, and Fin shoved him against the wall. "You know the drill!"

Stabler put his beer down carefully. "Fin!"

Fin didn't turn and look at him until Toby was patted down and cuffed. "Take him down to the precinct."

"Fin!" Stabler tried again. "Put him in a chair!"

Now Fin listened. Fin pushed Toby into a chair. "This skel was here when you were sleeping!"

"That skel is my friend. He's clean, sober, and works at Victim's Services, occasionally seven days a week." Stabler sipped his beer. Toby looked scared as hell, and Stabler had to handle this right. "He's done nothing wrong."

"You're sure?" Fin gave Toby a hard look.

"Positive." Stabler smiled. He had to do it to put Fin at ease, but nothing about this was funny or cute. He'd been right to protect Toby from his friends. "I appreciate you being so protective, but Toby brought me a cheeseburger and a beer, not the actions of a criminal."

Fin sighed. "He's your friend?"

"Yeah. We met over at his work. Toby, say something so Fin will take the cuffs off." Stabler could see a world of fear in Toby's blue eyes, and he didn't like it.

Toby cleared his throat. "Uh, hi?"

Fin rolled his eyes and apologized to the officers. "Sorry, guys." He pulled Toby up and removed the cuffs. "Elliot, it wouldn't kill you to tell us."

"I have a lot of friends. You want a list?" Stabler picked up his burger. He wasn't letting it get cold and acting as if he didn't care was the best was to go.

Toby sat back down and rubbed his wrists. "Sorry. I'll go."

"Stay put." Stabler took a bite and chewed. He hoped Toby didn't bolt for the door. It would make him look guilty.

Fin still didn't look happy. "You've seen his sheet?"

"Yes." Stabler chased the burger with the beer. Heaven. "We've discussed it."

"So, you're feeling better?" Fin ignored Toby, and he would. Toby seemed small, and it was too damn bad. It was unfortunate that it had happened this way, but there was no way to fix it now. Stabler took another bite. God, this was good.

"I can see you're happy." Fin barked a rough imitation of a laugh. "I'm gonna check on Munch."

"Thanks, Fin." Stabler smiled and stuck out his good hand. He had to say it, even if he didn't feel it. "Glad someone's looking out for me."

Fin shook his hand. "Later." He shot Toby a look and strolled out. Toby never took his eyes off his shoes until the door shut.

"You breathing?" Stabler wanted to pull him over, but he couldn't get up, and he couldn't take a chance that Fin would come back.

Toby heaved out a breath. "I better go."

"Please don't." Stabler took another drink. He hated feeling like cops were the bad guys, but it was easy after something like that. "Did you eat?"

"No." Toby's eyes were wild, skipping all over the room. He couldn't handle much more. "I did talk to Kathy. She was upset."

"She brought the kids over. Thanks for talking to her." Stabler had to stop at half. He was full. Damn. "Is there a burger in that bag for you?"

"Yeah." Toby rubbed his face. "When you're right, you're really right."

"My wife used to hate that." Stabler smiled at him. This time, being right wasn't a good thing for either of them. "You know cops."

"I'm more familiar with correctional officers, but I get the idea." Toby got up and took the bag. "I don't think I can eat."

"Give it a try. I know you skipped lunch in your little cubicle." Stabler leaned back and held his beer loosely. With any luck, the drama of the evening was over, and they could chat about nothing. "I slept most of the day."

Toby unwrapped a burger. "Good. What's the prognosis on your arm?"

"I'll need some therapy, but I should be fine." Stabler shrugged. He'd deal with it as he went along. "Want to sign my cast?"

"Not really." Toby took a bite, and Stabler saw him glance out the door. Stabler had seen that look on deer in his headlights when he drove upstate. It could only mean one thing. Toby put his burger down, stood, and said, "I'll just assume the position."

Stabler groaned , and Benson's eyes crackled. "You know this guy?"

Toby leaned into his hands and dropped his head. Stabler shut his eyes for a second. He had known this would be ugly, but it was stopping here and now. "Please, Toby, sit and eat. Yes, Olivia. I'd like you to meet Tobias Beecher. Toby, Olivia Benson."

Olivia kept her hands in her coat pockets. "Toby or Tobias?"

Toby turned around, sidled to his chair, and sat down. "Nice to meet you and I'll answer to anything."

Stabler took his last drink of beer. He wanted another one. "How's Munch?"

"Complaining about the donut he's sitting on." Olivia had chosen to ignore Toby. Stabler wasn't surprised. It was probably better that way. She smiled. "You?"

"Better. I'm ready to go home." Stabler smiled at her look of concern. "Hopefully, they'll get sick of me soon."

"I'm betting on that." Benson laughed. "Tobias, how long have you been out?"

Stabler wasn't going to answer for him, but he wanted to. Toby said, "About six months."

"Still on parole?" She managed to put scorn in those few words. Stabler nearly flinched. He wasn't enjoying watching this, but he had no idea what to say or do to make it better. Toby was an ex-con, and cops were cops.

"I did them all, with time off for good behavior," Toby said with no trace of apology in his tone.

Stabler caught Benson's eyes. "He's a friend of mine. I had more than a few stop in today."

"I'd imagine. Toby, give us a minute while I bring Stabler up to speed on the case."

Stabler watched Toby get his stuff together and put on his coat. Toby wouldn't be back, not tonight, and maybe not tomorrow. He wasn't strong enough to face all these cops. Stabler understood, but he didn't like it. "Thanks for the beer, Beech."

"No problem. Oh, before I go, Angus called when he couldn't get hold of you. He has papers for you to sign. I told him to wait." Toby hesitated. "Okay?"

"I'll deal with it when I get out. Thanks." Stabler smiled. He had no idea how to end this conversation in front of Benson. Toby nodded and fled the room. Stabler slowly spun his beer bottle. Now the shit was going to hit the fan, and he didn't want to hear it.

Benson pulled up a chair and sat down. "Now we can talk."

Stabler nodded, praying she meant work. "Tell me what's going on at the precinct."

"Who's Angus?" Benson frowned and put on her stubborn face. She was going to talk about Toby, with or without him.

"My lawyer. Toby's brother." Stabler shrugged. He had to play this cool. "I needed one for the divorce."

"Toby's brother is a lawyer." Benson sounded skeptical. "You sure he's not scamming you?"

"Toby was a lawyer, and he does good work for Victim's Services. He did his time, and Angus is a nice guy." Stabler wasn't happy discussing this, but he hoped he was making himself clear. It was time to back off Toby. "Tell me about the case."

Benson shook her head. "He killed a little girl!"

Stabler rubbed his hand down his face. "I know. He knows. He can't forget."

"And you're his friend? Elliot Stabler?"

Stabler felt pushed. He should just deny it and lie for the rest of his life, but he wasn't that man. "It's complicated. He made a mistake, but he paid for it."

"Nothing will bring back that child."

Stabler was finished talking about Toby. Benson had made up her mind that Toby was a dirty skel. She wouldn't change it without evidence, and Stabler couldn't give her any. He changed the subject. "The case?"

Benson sighed. "Fine. We'll discuss him later when you're off painkillers."

Stabler hoped not. It would be easier to talk about the damn Nazis.

********

Toby threw the food away and took a minute to get a drink of water. He felt like he needed oxygen. He was accustomed to people hating him when they found out the truth, but these were Stabler's friends and it hurt more than usual.

"Don't think of pulling some sort of con on Stabler."

Toby turned and reluctantly faced Fin again. "Everyone was worried. They asked me to stop in and give a report. I won't come again."

"Don't." Fin looked him up and down. "You can't ever wash off the stench of Oz."

"No shit." Toby brushed his hair back. He could see that he could talk honestly with this cop, so he would. "Now get the fuck out of my face."

"Oz made you tough, huh? Stabler know you're nothing but lying to him? Playing all meek and mild?" Fin took another step closer.

Toby ducked his head. He wasn't going to get angry. This was a cop. "I'm leaving. Rest on your victory, homeboy." He walked away fast before Fin cuffed him again. His wrists still ached. Fin followed him out to the taxi stand, but didn't say anything else. Toby caught the first cab and sank gratefully into the darkness of the back seat. Stabler knew exactly what Toby was, but Stabler's friends really didn't need to know that. Damn it! The hospital was off-limits now. Fin would be watching for him, and Benson would too. Shit.

********

Stabler waited until everyone was gone, the lights had been turned out, and the hospital was quiet. He fumbled for his cell phone, turned it on, and hit his home number.

"Leave a message at the sound of the tone."

"Toby, I know you're there. Pick up." Stabler waited and hoped that Toby had fallen asleep on the couch and hadn't moved out.

"I'm here." Toby yawned into the phone. "You okay?"

"I was more worried about you." Stabler shifted on the pillows to get more comfortable. It wasn't possible, but he kept trying.

"I'm good. Fin took one more shot at me on the way out. If I come back, there could be blood in the hallway." Toby paused. "Probably mine."

"Fin would hurt you." Stabler regretted this. It was his fault. He should have tried to ease Toby into his work life earlier. "You have to bring me my coat."

"I'll think of something." Toby laughed . "Want me to pack and get out?"

Stabler wondered at the laughter. "No. Who'll feed my cat?" They laughed together. "Toby, don't take it personally. It's the job."

"Fin is right. I can't wash Oz away." Toby sounded sad. "I took tomorrow off. Call me if you need anything."

"I'll call you." Stabler had to say something more. "You know how I feel."

"Tired and cranky and you want your own bed. No cats preferably."

Stabler smiled. That was all true. "Bye, Toby."

"Bye, El." Toby clicked off.

Stabler shut his cell phone slowly. He could only hope that Benson and Fin didn't cause trouble for Toby because there wasn't anything he could do stuck in this bed. Having Toby faint dead away at his feet had been one of the best moments of his life, but there wasn't any way to explain that. They wouldn't believe him, and they wouldn't understand. They'd think he'd gone crazy, and maybe he had. Maybe the job had pushed him too hard, and he'd lost it. He and Toby had talked about it before. Toby believed that it was just fate. Two guys that were meant to be together. No big deal. Stabler didn't think that. Something had made him want it, but damned if he knew what.

"Need anything?"

Stabler smiled at the pretty nurse. "No. Thanks."

"One more check and then you can rest." She unwrapped her stethoscope from around her neck. "Any numbness in your hand?"

"No." Stabler pursed his lips. He'd think about it more tomorrow, when they lowered his painkillers.

********

Toby cleaned house and went to the grocery store to waste time and take his mind off Stabler sitting in a hospital room contracting sepsis. He even cleaned the cat box and did the laundry. When he was on the way to the dry cleaner with Stabler's shirts, he realized that he was losing his mind. Stabler was going to be pissed. He hated it when Toby did more than his fair share around the house.

"Shit." Toby took the dry cleaning ticket and went out on the sidewalk. Going to the hospital was a bad idea. Very bad. Shit. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed the number.

"Benson."

Toby hung up. The old, clunky hospital phones didn't have caller I.D., so she'd never know it was him. If she was there, things were fine. Damn it. He had already done too much, said too much, and he might be moving out soon. Fucking Nazis always managed to screw him over, and this time they'd nearly killed Stabler. Toby caught a cab back to the house and went inside. He flopped down in Stabler's chair and sighed. His cell phone rang.

"You called?"

"Yeah. Sorry," Toby apologized. He'd never tell anyone how good it was to hear Stabler's voice. "I'm going stir crazy here today."

"Why didn't you work?"

Toby sighed into the phone and stayed quiet.

Stabler groaned . "Because you were planning on spending the day with me."

"Stupid, huh?" Toby laughed at himself. "Anything around here you need done?"

"No," Stabler growled into the phone. "I'm being released in the morning. I insisted. Benson is insisting that she's bringing me home."

Toby thought about that for a minute. He'd done too much just by existing. "I'll be gone. Okay?"

"I can't lie by omission forever. Come see me tonight. Bring my coat." Stabler hesitated. "Please."

Toby wasn't sure that was a good idea. He wasn't scared, but he didn't want to make things more difficult. "Fin may have a piece of my ass."

"You're tough. You can take him." Stabler coughed, and Toby knew it was to hide laughter.

"I'll come late." Toby smiled. He was going, and they could all kiss his ass. "Love ya."

Stabler was quiet a moment. "I'll see ya." And he clicked off. Toby checked his watch. He'd work until midnight and then go to the hospital. With any luck, Fin wouldn't kill him.

********

Stabler was tired by the time his wife sent the kids down to the cafeteria. "Thanks for bringing them."

"You must know we care. Are you really so stupid?" Kathy didn't smile all that much anymore.  
"I guess so. It's awkward. I don't know how to do anything any longer." Stabler immediately regretted the blurted words, even if they were true.

Kathy sighed and glanced out the door. "It is. Let's pray there's never a next time, but next time you better call!"

"Yes, ma'am," Stabler said with all sincerity. He'd screwed up, but he'd done nothing but make mistakes with her for years.

"Are you going home tomorrow?" She gave him a tiny smile.

"Yes." Stabler shifted to find a comfortable position. "Give me a day to get settled before you drop them off. Okay?"

"Toby will be there?" Kathy's eyes narrowed.

Stabler nodded. He wasn't sure what emotion he heard in her voice.

"If he's not, I won't bring them." Kathy was firm on that point. "If he goes to work, you'll call me."

Stabler smiled at her. "You like Toby?"

"He watches my kids, and they're always fed and reasonably clean if he's there." Kathy crossed her arms. "So yes, I'm glad you have a buddy who's kid friendly."

"Toby loves them too," Stabler said. He knew Toby did, and he didn't quite know why. "He'll be there, or I'll call. I'll be overmatched otherwise."

"You sure as hell will. Even on a good day you are." Kathy laughed at him. "Get some rest. You looked tired."

"Thanks." Stabler pulled the blankets up a little. "Call me."

"I will." Kathy left quickly, and she didn't look back. The love that had been in her eyes for so many years was gone. If he'd have been paying attention, he would have noticed it sooner. Some detective he was. He shut his eyes. Toby would come see him later.

*********

Toby refused to slink inside the hospital, but he did take the back door and use the stairs. Yeah, he was a pussy, but he didn't want any trouble with the cops, not again. And Fin wouldn't fool around.

"Dragging in pretty late," Stabler drawled.

"I said late." Toby put Stabler's coat back in the little closet. "You got something to wear tomorrow?"

"Well."

Toby gave him a dirty look. "They cut your bloody clothes off. Are you going home naked?"

"I'm going home any way I can." Stabler grinned. "Okay. I screwed up."

"I'll get you something, you idiot." Toby rolled his eyes. He should've thought of it, but he'd been too worried about Fin and Benson to think clearly. "I'm going to need extra money for taxis this month!"

"I'll toss you some." Stabler was glaring now. Toby thought it was pretty funny. He checked the hallway and went to kiss him. Stabler pushed him, grabbed him tight, and finally kissed him. Typical. "I'm still not used to this kissing stuff."

"I know, but I needed it. The house is huge and lonely, even the cat is freaked out." Toby pulled the chair close and sat down. He didn't like being handled rough, but he'd take it this time. "You need anything?"

"Shut up." Stabler dropped his hand over the side of the bed, and of course Toby took it. Toby didn't talk. He held Stabler's hand and let a keen sense of gratitude wash over him. Stabler squeezed. "Thanks."

Toby just nodded. He had no idea what Stabler was talking about, but it didn't matter. This was all still new to them, and being polite was part of the awkwardness. "I can be gone from the house."

"I know. It's just that I don't know how or what to tell her." Stabler didn't let go of him, and it was nice. "If she draws the right conclusions, I won't be able to lie."

"I will. I'll cover for you." Toby would too. He didn't give a shit what Benson thought about him, not now that he'd met her. "Let's take it one day at a time."

"Okay." Stabler smiled at him, and it was beautiful. "Kathy was here. Now _she_ likes you. She said I couldn't have the kids unless you were at the house."

Toby knew his eyes widened. "I'm stunned. Did you curse at her?"

"Toby."

"Sorry." Toby blushed. He crossed the line there. "Did you pass out from shock? I might."

"I think it's a good thing. She knows. It doesn't bother her." Stabler tugged Toby's hand. "I have an itch that I can't reach. It's driving me nuts."

Toby laughed and got up. Stabler leaned up, with a little help, and Toby scratched Stabler's shoulder right above the cast. "She trusts you, not me."

"She trusts us both now." Stabler groaned. "Down a little. Damn that feels good."

Toby went lower. The skin was dry. "You need some lotion."

"You ain't doing that here." Stabler groaned. "Okay, rub now."

Toby rubbed. "I can see what my life is going to be like for the next six weeks."

"Should be only four." Stabler shot him a grin. "I'll give you a break on the rent."

"I'd hope so." Toby moved closer, sat on the edge of the bed, and did a more thorough job. Stabler's muscles were tight, and it was no trouble to touch him. None at all. He felt good. He felt great. Toby felt his jeans tighten up. He nearly kissed Stabler's neck. "Oh shit."

"That's probably enough." Stabler nudged back, but Toby didn't get completely out of the way. "Stop moaning."

"Sorry." Toby gave him a last rub, adjusted the pillows and blanket, and got away from him. "It's not my fault that I like you."

Stabler wiggled his shoulders. "Yeah. Yeah, it is."

Toby laughed and made sure his jeans were still zipped. "Did you have a shower today?"

"I did." Stabler sighed. "I'm going to need a lot of help at home."

"I know. I took two weeks off." Toby raised his hand. "Don't say a word. They didn't even blink, and when I get sick of you, I'll go in for a few hours."

Stabler sighed loudly. "I give it two days."

"Maybe three." Toby had to smile at him. "Have your brothers or sisters been to see you?"

"All of them." Stabler pointed at the flowers. "It was crazy. I wanted to pass out so they'd leave."

Toby thought it was nice, especially since his brother wouldn't cross the street for him, but who was he to say anything. "Angus called just to ask about you. He was worried you'd die and stick him with a bill."

Stabler chuckled. "He probably was. Did you talk to your kids?"

Toby wasn't sure he wanted to answer that. He shrugged and looked away. It wasn't worth talking about, not really.

"Sorry."

"It's all right." Toby didn't think it ever would be, but there was only so much he could do, and only so many times he could apologize for being a royal fuck up. "Dickie's getting tall."

"He has a ways to go." Stabler smiled. The love for his boy was easy to see. "Harry and Holly will come around."

Toby shook his head. "Holly is angry, and Harry is a lot like me, so I know what he's thinking. Trust me, it will never be okay. He might come to my funeral, but that's it."

Stabler gave out a soft grunt. "That better not be soon."

"Hey, you're the one bleeding everywhere." Toby smiled and paced over to the door. "Get some sleep. I'll be here."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure." Toby kept his back turned so Stabler didn't see him blink a few tears away. The situation with Holly and Harry was awful, but that was normal, and normal sucked. Toby rubbed a hand through his hair. He couldn't ever make it right, and they would never forgive him, and he didn't blame them. A few lights clicked off, and he relaxed on his feet. Stabler was close by, and it might be enough to see him through the night.

********

Stabler woke up slow and easy. He tried to rub his eyes, failed, and a wave of pain crashed over him. "Damn!"

"Need more pain med?" Toby was very close. Stabler grabbed him and sat up. It hurt. Damn. It hurt. He tried to breathe deeply. His head spun around once, and he licked his dry lips. Toby pressed the water cup to Stabler's lips and he drank deeply. It helped clear his head.

"I'm okay."

"Right." Toby snorted. "The nurse told me they were cutting off the painkillers. Guess she did."

"Good." Stabler explored the pain and told himself it wasn't that bad. He'd slept through the nurse? He had been tired. "You can let go."

"You're shaking. Lay back down." Toby raised the end of the bed and moved the pillows. Stabler bit his lip and let it all happen. He would not yell and curse, not yet. It was the first day. Toby checked everything over. "I'm losing the feeling in my hand."

Stabler released him quickly. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"If you break it, they can fix it here." Toby smiled and gave him a gentle pat. "I know it hurts. Try to breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and relax your muscles."

Stabler heard the voice of experience talking. "You know?"

"I do." Toby gave that shrug that meant he didn't want to discuss it. "Do it."

Stabler filed it away for later and tried to breathe. He finally got the hang of it, and the pain smoothed out. It wasn't better, but it wasn't agony any longer. "Thanks."

Toby brushed a gentle kiss over Stabler's forehead. "Relax. There's no place you have to be."

Stabler tried to smile. He was afraid that he failed. "What time is it?"

"Very early. I'm going to go home and get you a few things. Stay here." Toby kissed him again.

"I'll wait." Stabler shut his eyes. He wasn't going anywhere for a long time. Desk duty, if he was lucky, but Cragen wasn't going to let him work the street. Toby shut the door quietly. He was a good man. Stabler swallowed hard. How had Toby gotten a broken arm? Or had he been shot? Or maybe both? Stabler bit the inside of his lip. He hated not knowing everything that had happened at Oz, but Toby wasn't ready to talk about it. What they had wasn't strong enough, not yet, and maybe not ever.

Stabler tried to relax again. He could call Oz and request the file, but that seemed like cheating, and it wouldn't be fair because Toby wouldn't tell it from his point of view. It would just be facts, and they could be harsh. Stabler took several deep breaths. He was going to have time to find out a few things. He could only hope that he didn't regret knowing the truth.

********

Toby was surprised when he heard the lock click over. He had a duffle bag ready, and he trotted down the stairs to see who was breaking into Stabler's house.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She was outraged.

Toby sat the bag down at her feet and looked her in the eye. "I'd guess the same thing as you."

"You have a key?" Her eyes snapped.

"Yes." Toby dug it out of his pocket and held it up. Dickie had given him a Spiderman key chain. "Do you really think they'll let him out today?"

"I hope not. He lost a lot of blood." Benson practically snarled at him, "I'll deliver these. You go to work or wherever."

Toby was surprised she hadn't told him to go to hell. He toyed with telling her the truth, but this was not the time, and he wasn't the man to do it. "I could go with you?"

"No." Benson shook her head firmly. "He needs his friends."

"Not a dirtbag skel with ulterior motives, like me." Toby backed up enough that she felt comfortable picking up the bag.

"At least you're honest about it. He doesn't keep any cash here." She glanced about as if she were doing an inventory and looking for missing items.

Toby had never been so insulted by a woman. "I'm his friend. Get over it."

"We'll see." Benson opened the door. "Does your supervisor at Victim's Services know exactly who you are?"

"Don't you mean what I am?" Toby shoved his hands in his pockets. He felt about one inch tall. She was good at hurting a man.

"I guess I do. Out!" She casually put her hand on her gun.

Toby sighed, grabbed his coat, and let her throw him out of Stabler's house. "Talk to Stabler, you stubborn-." He didn't say it. He was proud of himself. He bit it off. Stabler would kill him if he said it.

Benson locked the door, confiscated Toby's key, sniffed, and left him there on the sidewalk. Well. Shit. She was pissed now. He sat down on the step and rubbed his face.

"Meow?"

Toby looked over at his cat. "I agree. She's not nice, and all fuck is going to break loose when she finds out I live here."

The cat rubbed against him and purred. Toby considered moving out. He didn't have much. He could be gone quickly. Disappear. His kids wouldn't give a damn. His brother would probably throw a party, and his mother was dead. She'd never recovered from the death of Toby's father, which was something else that was completely his fault.

"Murp!"

"Yeah, who would feed you?" Toby stroked the big, red tabby. "Tell you what - I'll just sit here with you until Stabler comes home and yells at me. After that, you and I can hit the road."

The cat rolled to his back and wiggled. He was good with that. Toby liked his cat. He should name him, but the cat wouldn't give a damn. His cell phone rang.

"Hello?" Toby answered it before glancing to see who it was.

"It's Angus, and we have a problem."

Toby wasn't surprised, and the problem would be him. It was always him. "What did I do now?"

"You're in a mood." Angus paused. "I got a call from a detective. I thought we should discuss it before things get out of control."

"Benson or Fin?" Toby made sure not to squeeze the cat.

"Benson. She was very suspicious, to say the least." Angus sounded confused. "Who is she?"

"Stabler's partner. She thinks I'm trying to run some sort of game on Stabler." Toby sighed and leaned against the railing.

"Tobias, I don't want your screwed-up life affecting the firm. Benson is obviously out to get you, not that I blame her."

Toby took his hand off the cat and rubbed his chest to make sure his heart hadn't fallen out on the sidewalk. His brother was never kind, not any longer, but it still hurt so very badly. "My apologies. Tell her that we don't associate with each other. I'm sure she'll back off."

"I did, and I hope so."

Angus hesitated, and Toby rushed out his next sentence. He had to know before Angus hung up on him.

"You would tell me if things were bad with my kids, right?"

The long moment of silence did nothing to reassure him. Finally, Angus said, "Both of them are coping with your release. School is going well. We watch them closely."

"For drugs and alcohol, right?" Toby hated his genes every day of his life.

"Yes. I have warned them. Harry knows the truth. I think it scared him."

"Good." Toby tickled the cat's tummy. The cat thumped him with his back legs. "I may have to move."

Angus was very quiet again.

"I don't expect you to offer me anything. You've made it extremely clear that I'm _persona non grata_." Toby spoke firmly. He would not beg, not again. "But I may leave the state."

"I respect that." Angus would. He probably prayed for it. Toby lowered his head and clutched his knee. It would be nice if someone cared enough to protest, but Chris was dead. Angus continued, "Don't ever call the house."

"I won't." Toby snapped it shut and stuffed it away before he threw it out into the street and the neighbors were appalled. There had been several moments since he'd gotten out that he'd wished fervently that he could go back. This was one of them. In Oz, no one gave a damn and it hadn't hurt. Out here, it hurt. Fuck. It did.

********

"You what?"

"I took his key." Benson handed it to him. "I don't know how he got one."

Stabler rubbed his face and sat down gingerly. He was dressed, had signed all the paperwork, and taken a Demerol. It was time to go home. "Shit."

"You ready?"

Stabler looked up at her. He had no idea where to begin. "Toby's my friend."

Benson opened the door. "We can discuss it later. I'm sure it seems that way, but you've been depressed since things went bad with Kathy."

Stabler got up with a grunt. He wasn't going to argue about his mental state, but it wasn't a fair assessment. The nurse put him in a wheelchair, and they went towards the front door. Benson had the sedan, and Stabler had no trouble getting in. He was ready to leave, even if it hurt, and even if the doctor had frowned. Home would be fine, and he could go to work occasionally and check his messages.

"Okay?"

"Yeah." Stabler tried to think. How could he explain it? "I need you to listen. I met Toby Beecher over at Victim's Services."

"I spoke to his supervisor."

Stabler could only gawk at her. "You got him fired?"

"No, but he's going to be in a different department now." Benson shrugged. "They're too short-handed to fire him. Someone like him has no business dealing with clients."

"I don't believe it." Stabler could. They'd done it before, to other skels, but this was different. "Toby works hard. He didn't deserve that."

"That little girl didn't deserve to be run over." Benson shot him a quick look. "Do we agree on that point?"

Stabler had a feeling that he could talk until he ran out of air, and she wouldn't change her mind. He leaned his head back and tried to figure out something to say. Toby was going to be upset. He tried to help people. All of this had happened because some Nazi kid had put a bullet in him. Damn.

"I can have him picked up, if he pesters you. I'm sure he's using." Benson would do it.

"You won't do that. Do you understand?" Stabler glared and spoke slowly. "Do not."

"Okay, okay. I get it. He's convinced you that he's reformed." Benson smiled at him. "Just relax. Forget about him. I'll hire someone to come in and cook for you."

Stabler shook his head. "No."

"I already made a few calls." She was smiling big now. "You have to let your partner help out."

Stabler's cell phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was Angus Beecher.

"Stabler."

"Mr. Stabler, this is Angus Beecher. Can we talk?"  
"Of course." Stabler kept his eye on Benson's reaction. "Toby told me that you'd called."

Benson stiffened. Angus said, "I was concerned, and I'm very glad to hear that you're going to be fine. I'll have the paperwork sent around tomorrow, if that's adequate."

"It is. Thank you. It may take me a day or two to sign it." Stabler didn't want to sign it at all, but he would, for Kathy. She wanted it.

"No rush. Mrs. Stabler's lawyer is a friend of mine." Angus hesitated far too long. "Are you evicting Toby?"

Stabler thought he'd heard that wrong. "Excuse me?"

"Are you evicting my brother? I completely understand if you are. He's an ex-con. Your partner has spoken to me about Toby's erratic behavior." Angus gave a small sigh, which was probably faked. "Toby can't be trusted, and he's not welcome in my house."

Stabler stared at his damn partner. He finally managed to say, "No, I'm not. I'll be in touch. Thank you." He closed it gently. Toby had no one, not even his brother. They all thought he was shit. Stabler took a deep breath and waited for his partner to speak up.

"I spoke to Angus Beecher also."

"I thought so. He's legit, and he's good." Stabler spoke . For months, he'd been angry about everything, then he'd met Toby, and things had gotten better. Toby had understood that rage. Stabler felt it prickle at his neck. He was about ready to be seriously pissed off.

"I agree. It's a shame he's saddled with a drunken addict for a brother." Benson was so sure of herself. "Angus assured me that his brother has nothing to do with the firm, and I believe him. Where does Tobias live?"

"So you can have him evicted?" Stabler realized he was still clutching the Spiderman key chain. Dickie had given it to Toby, and Stabler remembered clearly the look of astonishment on Toby's face. Toby expected no kindness. He lived with the constant knowledge that he could try and try, but no one would give a damn. Oh yes, they shared something, and that was part of it.

"I might give it a try." She grinned.

Stabler pressed his lips firmly together so he didn't yell or curse. He didn't know how to deal with this. His partner had wrecked Toby's life and wasn't stopping. There was also no telling what Fin was doing. Stabler stared out the window, ignoring the scenery. He ruined everything he touched, and Toby could be added to that list. Toby would run away and never come back. He would vanish, and Stabler had nothing to offer him to keep him close. Nothing.

"What's wrong?"

Stabler was surprised she would notice. "I'm not happy that you took it upon yourself to destroy Toby's life. Toby was trying to do some good, and you know what his mistake was? His mistake was that he likes me. His mistake was coming to see me at the hospital because he cared that I'd been shot!"

Benson sucked a deep breath. "That's not fair."

"It's accurate," Stabler snapped. "Poor fucker had me for a friend. Damn it!" He saw her shock. He never said 'fuck,' but it was appropriate today. Toby had been bent over again, and this time it was on him. Stabler couldn't look at her any longer. Right now, Toby was wishing he could pack, but he didn't have a key to get in his own place.

Benson pulled into the driveway. "I told him to get lost! That's it. I'm calling a patrol car."

Stabler reached and wrapped his hand around her forearm. He was very careful not to hurt her. "Toby lives with me." And he turned her loose and got out of the car. Toby wouldn't look at him. Stabler went directly to him. "Here's your key."

"Keep it." Toby pushed it away. "I'll pack and go."

"Good." Benson was right there between them. "I don't know how you managed to weasel your way into my partner's life, but it stops today."

Toby nodded. "I'll go. Just let me get my stuff."

Stabler caught a harsh breath. This situation was completely out of control. Benson was not throwing Toby out. "Benson, leave."

"What?" she yelled.

"Leave. Goodbye. Thank you for dropping me off. I'll call you later." Stabler leaned over, patted his cat on the head, and went up the stairs. "Beecher, get your ass in here."

Toby flinched. Stabler unlocked the door, waited for Toby, and shut it behind him. The sedan squealed away. She was furious. She could get over it. He didn't always agree with how she ran her life.

"Toby, I need to lie down." Stabler let his coat slide off, and he tossed Toby's key on the coffee table. He couldn't face a serious conversation right now. "And I might puke."

"It's the Demerol." Toby scooped up the meds that had rolled out of Stabler's coat pocket. He tucked his shoulder under Stabler's good arm. "Let's go upstairs."

Stabler sagged. He hated it, but he was worn out, and just from sitting in a car, well, and yelling at his partner. "Sorry I'm such a pansy."

"You're the toughest guy I know." Toby helped him up the stairs and to the bed. "You mind if I give you a hand?"

Stabler heard so much ache in those simple words. "Please. I know I don't deserve it, but I need it."

Toby nodded. "You deserve everything."

Stabler didn't answer. He didn't believe that for a minute. When he was down and comfortable, he said, "Don't leave."

Toby tucked the blanket closer. "Get some rest. Cat will keep you company." He slipped out the door, and Stabler couldn't think of anything to shout after him. The cat curled up close and fell asleep. Stabler did the same.

********

Toby went downstairs and out to the garage. He went up the wooden steps and surveyed his tiny kingdom. He had to get organized and get out of here, but it wasn't as easy as it sounded. Stabler was going to need help. Had Benson hired someone? If she had, Toby could leave immediately. He sighed, sat down on his bed, and rubbed his face. It was his fault. He should never have moved in.

The doorbell rang. Toby pushed his hair away from his face and went downstairs. Instead of going back inside, he raised the garage door and stepped around the bushes. "Can I help you?"

The guy turned from the front door. "Is Elliot home?"

"Yeah." Toby looked him over. This was a cop, no doubt. Sure, he was older, but he still had the look about him. "Go on in."

"And you are?"

Toby was surprised that Benson hadn't posted his picture at the precinct. "Toby Beecher. I live above Stabler's garage."

"Don Cragen." Cragen was giving him a hard look. "The garage?"

"I needed a room. Stabler needed some money. It works." Toby told the bare bones truth and hoped it was enough. "I think the door is open."

"Thanks." Cragen finally went inside. Toby was not going to go find out what was said or not said. It didn't matter. He went back to his room. It wasn't much, but it was clean, and it was a hell of a lot more than he'd had for the last twelve years. He spent most of his time at work anyway.

"Beecher?" Cragen, in the garage.

Toby went down again. "Yes?"

"I don't want to disturb him. Will you tell him to call me when he wakes up?"

Toby shrugged. "If I'm here, sure."

Cragen frowned at him. "Tell him."

"What was your name?" Toby played stupid. It worked for him. "John?"

"Don Cragen." Cragen pulled his badge. "Captain Cragen."

"Another cop." Toby gave him a grin. "I'll make sure he gets the message."

"Thanks." Cragen pulled his trench coat that much tighter and left. Toby stared after him. Cragen seemed like a decent guy, but once he talked to Benson all bets were off. Toby glanced over his head. He had to get out of here. But. He sighed. Well, while Stabler was sleeping, Toby would run to work, and then he could make up his mind.

********

Stabler woke up when the pain overwhelmed his need for sleep. He groaned , nudged the cat off his body, and struggled to get his back off the bed. It made his head twirl around, but he was going to get up.

"Damn it," Stabler cursed. When he was sitting and his head wasn't pounding, he took a deep breath and wondered if Toby had left. Probably and Stabler didn't blame him. Whatever they had wasn't enough to forget all the harassment.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." Stabler gingerly put his back to the headboard. "I thought you'd left."

"I went to work." Toby shrugged. "A cop by the name of Don Cragen was here. He wants you to call."

Stabler took another deep breath. "Was he pissed?"

"Didn't seem that way." Toby sat on the edge of the bed. "Thirsty?"

"Yeah, but-" Stabler stopped when he saw that Toby was already out the door. He didn't want to be waited on hand and foot like an invalid. Toby came back with a glass of water. Stabler took it and stared. "Water?"

"It's the best thing after surgery. Whether you know it or not, your body is slightly dehydrated. Two liters a day is recommended." Toby smiled. "When you want dinner, I'll take care of it."

"I'm not hungry, not yet." Stabler drank some water. He did feel dry. The cat moved to his lap and curled up. "Your cat is exhausted."

"Hard day around here." Toby stood up. "Whatever you need, just ask. You can have another pain pill in an hour."

"Toby." Stabler took another drink to give him courage. Water didn't work as well as beer. "I'm sorry."

"Hey. You warned me. I was an idiot. It's all on me." Toby lifted his hands. "Not everyone is as willing to listen as you are."

Stabler nearly burst out laughing. He was not known as a kind and sympathetic guy. "You give me too much credit. I'm an asshole too."

"Yeah, I'm sure you are." Toby's eyes were sad. "Yell if you need me." And he was gone, leaving the door wide open. Stabler stroked his hand down the cat's soft fur and drank his water. He had warned him, but he still hadn't expected Benson to pull out all the stops. His cell phone was on the nightstand, and he reluctantly opened it. Time to play nice with Benson and find out what Cragen wanted. Shit.

********

Toby flipped through his shit in the small box again. Was there anything that he wanted to keep? In five months, he'd collected a few things, but it was all crap. He did smile when he pulled out the picture of Stabler that he'd clipped from the newspaper. Sure, it was stupid, but he needed something to get him through the day. The picture had helped.

"You quit?" Stabler leaned against the doorjamb.

Toby wished Stabler had stayed upstairs. "In my new capacity as mail boy, I won't have a desk, but no, I didn't quit."

"Not yet."

Toby shrugged. He hadn't made up his mind. "My supervisor apologized. It's wasn't his fault."

Stabler gave him that look.

Toby laughed. "Yes, Karl's a wiener, but he did feel bad about it. Some. Maybe." He put the picture back, dropped the box by the trash, and didn't worry about it. "It doesn't matter."

"It does to me," Stabler said quietly.

Toby couldn't think of a way to answer that, so he changed the subject. "More water?"

Stabler went to the fridge and refilled his water. "I'm going to pissing all the time!"

Toby thought that was probably true. "I also made some tea. When's the nurse showing up?"

"I don't know." Stabler was lying. Toby could see it clearly. Stabler sat down at the kitchen table very carefully. "I know you packed."

"I did." Toby wouldn't deny it. He had, and he'd leave as soon as he could do it without feeling guilty. More guilty. "Let's face it. I'm just going to make your life harder from now on, and you don't need that shit. I'll disappear. Your cop friends will breathe a sigh of relief. The world will go on spinning."

"What about what I want?" Stabler kept his eyes on the water. "Don't I get a say?"

"Speak up now or you'll be talking to an empty room." Toby didn't mean to sound flippant, but he was being shoved out the door. Stabler opened his mouth, and the doorbell rang. Toby shook his head. He wasn't facing any more cops today. "I'm not getting that."

Stabler gave a grunt, and Toby went out the garage door, around the car, and up to his room. He was marginally safe here, and he'd be damned if he'd run away in the dark. When the nurse showed up, he'd leave, not before.

********

Stabler answered the door. He moved slowly and carefully. His legs were still upset at him for walking around. "Come on in. I gotta sit down."

Benson and Fin came through the door. Stabler went back to the kitchen, picked up the box, and sat down by his water again. He idly pulled out the knick knacks of Toby's life.

"Where's he at?"

"Hi Fin. I'm feeling better. Thanks." Stabler raised his eyebrows. Fin sat down and shrugged. He wouldn't apologize.  
Benson looked around. "The nurse will be here tomorrow. Fin and I will do shifts until she gets here."  
"I'd rather you didn't. I mean, we're close, but there are limits." Stabler wanted her to back off. He glanced at Toby's business cards and then tossed them back in the box. "How's Munch?"

"He'll get out in two more days." Fin nodded. "He's crankier than you are."

"He needs more painkillers." Stabler grinned, drank some water, and pulled some miscellaneous papers out of the box. The newspaper photo of him was on top. He had been so embarrassed about that picture. Toby had cut it out and kept it. It said a lot, but whether he would admit it was another thing.

"So where is Tobias?" Benson was still mad. It was obvious.

"Probably over the garage." Stabler was careful not to shrug. "It's where he lives, well, for now. I guess Operation Screw Toby is complete. He lost his job, his room, and any chance of reconciling with his family. Good work, guys."

Fin had a funny look on his face. "He's a skel."

Stabler put the papers back in the box. He wasn't going to argue. They didn't get it. They couldn't.

Benson sat down next to him. "Elliot, he's been a heroin addict since Oz and a drunk before that. You know the statistics on recovery rates. He can go do it elsewhere."

Stabler was now certain that she'd pulled Toby's file. He ground his teeth. Toby was clean, but they'd never believe it.

Fin gave a short nod. "Oz can break a man."

Stabler didn't answer because he honestly had no idea what to say. Statistics didn't tell them about Toby. Stabler drank the last of his water. "I talked to Cragen. He's going to let me be at a desk in a week."

"That's kinda soon." Benson frowned. "Did you have to pay him off?"

"Pretty much." Stabler pushed the box at Benson. "Put that by the trash, will ya?"

Benson did it. "What's in there?"

"The stuff from Toby's desk." Stabler smiled at her. "You haven't lost your touch."

Benson's back stiffened. "We've done it any number of times!"

"To guys that had actually done something wrong, yes. What did Toby do?" Stabler wasn't ready to turn this loose. "Does it piss you off that he likes me?"

"Elliot!" Benson's mouth dropped open. "You don't need his mess in your life right now. He's nobody."

"But my friend. Poor guy." Stabler barked a laugh. "Get out. Both of you. I'm going to be fine."

Benson furrowed her brow. "I'll go. I can tell you're still not thinking clearly." And she strode out the door.

Fin hadn't moved. "I ain't gonna preach it, but he was a drug addict," he said in his quiet way that carried more weight than yelling.

"You would be too if you lived in a six by nine with a Nazi that ass raped you every night while the CO's laughed their heads off." Stabler regretted those words instantly. It wasn't any of Fin's business. Fin's eyes slid away. Stabler adjusted his sling and waited for a reply.

"Maybe so." Fin tapped his fingers on the table. "If he's been selling you on the poor me routine, he's lying."

"He hasn't. He figures he deserved it for killing that girl." Stabler sighed. He was tired again. "Things aren't always cut and dried. Hasn't working at SVU taught us that?"

Fin got up. "Let me help you upstairs."

"No. Go get Toby. He mentioned something about food." Stabler felt his stomach growl. He had to eat and then he'd sleep again. "Either that, or get the hell out, and I mean it."

"I can see you do." Fin left him at the table. Stabler rubbed his face. This had taught him something valuable. He wasn't going to work at getting skels fired from their jobs anymore. It wasn't right to wreck a man's life based on suspicions. Who was he, after all? Nothing but another cop. Nothing.

********

Toby shut the book fast and put his back to the wall. He didn't want to fight. He never did, but he would.

"Stabler wants to talk to you." Fin put his hands in his pockets. "I don't understand how you and him became friends, but I ain't gonna kill ya for it."

"Well, that's one of you." Toby relaxed a little. He took one step. "Is Benson here?"

"She left." Fin went towards the stairs, and Toby followed him back to the kitchen. Toby saw with one glance that he was going to have to do some damage control or tonight was going to get nasty. He got Stabler another glass of water, a pain pill, and didn't waste time getting food on the table. Dinner was simple, but Stabler's stomach couldn't handle much. Toby made sure to include Fin.

"Toby, sit and eat," Stabler growled.

Toby did, but he didn't talk. What could he say, after all? Fin and Stabler chatted about work and Cragen. Toby didn't even look up until Fin spoke to him directly.

"Sorry about that scene in the hospital, Toby," Fin said.

"Bullshit," Toby replied. He dunked his biscuit and took a bite.

Stabler laughed. "Toby wanted to be a diplomat, but his father sent him to law school."

Toby checked Stabler's bowl. It was still half-full. "Eat, ya pussy bitch."

Fin sucked in a deep breath. Stabler grinned. "Kiss my Irish cop ass."

Toby grinned back at him. Fin slowly said, "You two like each other?"

"Tons."

"Bunches."

Fin wiped his mouth and shook his head. "When's the nurse show up?"

Toby was curious about that as well. He watched Stabler carefully. Stabler shot him a look and said, "In the morning. I'm sending her packing. I have enough trouble."

"Poor woman probably needs the money." Toby knew he should leave. He should. This situation was already bad, and it could get worse. Hell, Benson could find a way to send him back to prison.

"She can find someone else's ass to wipe." Stabler glared at him. "You can go to work."

"Such as it is." Toby pushed his temper away. He was going to look the fool, pushing a mail cart. "I hope you thanked Benson for me, Fin."

"I ain't saying nothing." Fin seemed to be finished eating.

Stabler cradled his arm, and Toby knew what that meant. It was time to get him in bed. Toby pointed at Fin. "Get him upstairs. Use your gun, if you have to."

"I want a beer."

"No. You're on Demerol." Toby got up from the table. "It's one or the other."

Stabler glared at him. "I'm too tired to argue now, but I will tomorrow." He started for his bedroom.

"You got balls," Fin said over his shoulder to Toby.

"Nope. Oz cuts them off." Toby took his time cleaning the table and loading the dishwasher. He wiped the cabinets and got himself a Coke to drink. A beer would be nice, but even one was a bad idea.

"You clean now?"

Toby ignored that. "Is he asleep?"

"Pretty much. Some big ass cat was weighing him down." Fin stepped right into Toby's space. Toby pulled his head back, but he wasn't stepping back. Fin tilted his head. "Are you clean?"

"Yes." Toby leaned an inch closer. "You?"

Fin glared right back at him. "So you cook for him?"

"I'm Stabler's bitch," Toby drawled. This was ending right now, and he suddenly smiled. "Want your dick sucked?"

Fin quit. He couldn't take the heat. "I'm gone. Someone will stop in tomorrow."

"I won't be here." Toby kept his smile and waved. Fin shut the door behind him, and Toby leaned against the cabinet. That was the plan. Leave tomorrow. Maybe Canada. He sure as hell wasn't going to Mexico. He'd be high and taking it up the ass before the week was out. Canada would be nice and dull. Maybe California would be better. His foot nudged the box by the trash, and he retrieved the picture of Stabler. Before he could change his mind, he took it to his room.

********

Stabler woke up in the middle of the night. It was dark, completely. He stared at the ceiling and wished there was someone breathing next to him. Well, someone he loved. He managed to get out of bed and take a long piss - too much damn water. And Toby would be pouring more of it down him tomorrow, unless he left. Damn it. Stabler walked through the upstairs until he reached the wall opposite the little room above the garage. He stared at it for a long moment. He was going to have a door put in. Dickie wouldn't mind. He wasn't here all that much.

"Beecher!" Stabler knew exactly how to project his voice through the wall. He heard a thump, and he laughed.

"What?" Toby yelled.

Stabler went back to bed. It was enough to get Toby moving. Sure enough, about five minutes later, Toby wandered in the bedroom. "What?"

Stabler was glad the lights were out. It would make these words easier. "I've been hurt. I could use some comfort."

"And you think I'll volunteer?"

"Yes." Stabler reached for him. Toby hesitated and then came to him. Stabler tucked him close and even rested his head on Toby's. "Thanks."

"Geez," Toby breathed. He fumbled to get the covers over them. When they were settled, Stabler gave him a gentle kiss. Toby mumbled, "Damn you."

Stabler fell back asleep.

********

Toby sighed and gently kissed Stabler's chest. He was going to miss this. "Do you need a pain pill?"

"I'd rather have a beer." Stabler used his good hand to smack the back of Toby's head.

"It's kinda early for beer, but I'll get you one." Toby stretched, rubbed the back of his head, and sat up. He'd slept through the night. It was another small victory. It had been three weeks. Maybe he was over it, and he could sleep with Stabler again some night. Wait. "I'm moving out today."

Stabler shook his head. "I don't want that. If you up and vanish, I swear I'm going to hunt you down."

Toby rolled his eyes and got out of bed. He needed to piss. "You couldn't find your ass. You know I should leave. It's the right thing."

"If you leave, you'll have nothing." Stabler sat on the edge of the bed and stared at him with those damn, beautiful eyes.

"Nothing is still more than I had before." Toby shivered a little. He needed clothes, but he'd come over here unprepared. "Face it. We're done. There isn't any room for me in your cop life."

Stabler rubbed his face and stood. "I gotta piss."

Toby got out of the way. He made sure that Stabler didn't fall down though. "I'll get you a pain pill."

"I'd appreciate it, but first, I want to know something." Stabler reached and pulled him close. Toby quivered, controlled his instant flinch, and made sure not to bump the cast. He didn't want to talk any longer. Stabler spoke quietly. "Who broke your arm?"

Toby shut his eyes. If he said it fast, it would be over. "Early in my stellar career at Oz, my arms and legs were broken. It took three months before I could walk again."

Stabler made a soft noise. "Why?"

"They were teaching me my place. I'm a slow learner." Toby eased away. He'd said enough. "I have to find clothes and you a pain pill."

Stabler let him go. Toby went quickly. The garage was cold, and he went up the stairs fast. He didn't bother with the space heater. Dressed, he went to get Stabler his meds and cook some breakfast. If he didn't move out, it was going to be a long day.

*********

Stabler didn't want to Toby to leave, but he didn't seem to be listening. Where would he go? Toby could find a life somewhere else. He had skills, and he didn't look like an ex-con, but Stabler didn't want that.

Toby came in the room with a pill and a glass of water. Jeans and a sweatshirt made up his outfit today; usually he wore Dockers and a Polo shirt. Stabler took the med, but he was skipping the next one in favor of a beer.

"Shirts are going to be a problem." Toby went to Stabler's closet. "You can't run around in a hospital gown."

"How about nothing?" Stabler smiled at him.

"You'll get cold." Toby didn't look or smile back at him. "How about a wife-beater?"

"Bottom drawer." Stabler thought it was a good idea. He wore them a lot in the summer anyway.

"My, my, you have quite a selection." Toby was on his knees, sorting through them. "I guess you don't wear them for company."

"Not usually." Stabler grit his teeth and let Toby help him get dressed, even clean underwear was the order of the day. Toby just did it. He didn't linger, caress, or make wise ass remarks. Stabler wondered why. "Tomorrow, I'll need a shower."

"I'm sure your nurse will help you." Toby knelt and helped him with his socks. "Okay. You're ready to face the day. Want to sleep on the sofa?"

Stabler laughed. "Just dressing is work. Shit, I'm pathetic."

The doorbell rang before Toby could reply. Stabler headed downstairs. Toby went down behind him. "I'll fix you some breakfast."

"Thanks." Stabler pulled open the door and groaned. "Good morning, Benson."

"This is Lila Sanchez, your nurse." Benson smiled.

Stabler barred the door. He wasn't backing down on this. "No. I'm fine. Look. I'm up and dressed. Thank you, Maria. I'll pay you for today."

Lila looked him up and down. "Keep it dry."

"I promise." Stabler smiled. "Thanks."

Lila handed him her card. "Call me if you fall on your ass and can't get up."

Stabler took it and laughed. He might have actually liked her. She left quickly, even in the face of Benson's anger. Benson stepped inside. "You need help!"

"Toby is around." Stabler shrugged. He moved to the sofa and got comfortable. He'd done nothing but sleep, and he was tired. Lord, he was a wimp.

Benson didn't sit. She paced, finally throwing up her hands. "Fine. I'll go cook."

"Go to work. Cragen will need help." Stabler wasn't going to throw her out bodily, but there was some small part of him that wanted to for all the grief she'd given Toby. "Please. Go to work."

She marched off towards the kitchen. Stabler rubbed his eyes and prayed for patience. He did care for her. She came right back to him. "Fine. I'll go to work."

"Thank you." Stabler smiled. "I'll give you a call if I need anything, and we'll get pizza once this week."

She pointed. "You're making a mistake." Toby was at the other end of her finger.

"Shit, El. You'd think I lived in the house!" Toby laughed and went away.

Benson stared down at Stabler. "Over the garage is still in the house."

Stabler was finished discussing it. She and Toby were going to butt heads. He should have guessed the fact that Toby was an alcoholic would make her crazy. Damn. He kept his smile on his face and said, "Give him a break, and tell the guys hello."

"I'll call you later." Benson left. Finally. Stabler had a feeling that she wasn't giving up. For some reason, she was taking this very personally, and he knew it wasn't his good looks. She had issues, and he was too tired to deal with them today.

"Hey, come eat."

"Okay." Stabler adjusted his sling and went to sit down at the table. "I threw the nurse out."

"I heard." Toby gave him a look and set a plate down in front of him. "I should leave anyway."

"I have her business card." Stabler slapped it down. "I ain't gonna beg. Stay or go, but it's all on you, not me."

"I'll think about it." Toby sat down with a thump. "Benson hates my guts, and women usually like me."

"It's those blue eyes and long eyelashes." Stabler batted his eyes at him, picked up his fork, and started eating.

Toby laughed. "Fuck you. Well, I guess it doesn't matter. In another month when I can't pay the rent, you'll throw me out."

"How stupid do you think I am? I know that job pays shit. You don't rely on the money." Stabler knew it. He didn't have to look at bank records or statements.

"Well, gee, I guess I'll skip the pity party." Toby drank his coffee. He wasn't denying it. Stabler quit talking. He ate as much as he could and enjoyed his coffee. By the end of breakfast, he was ready for a nap. Toby smiled. "Bed?"

"Sofa." Stabler stood. His knees shook. "I really hate this."

Toby was there. "I know. Hey, do you get hazard pay or anything?"

Stabler reached, yanked him close, and leaned against him. "Walk towards the sofa."

Toby walked, got him settled, and put a blanket over him. "Elliot, I swear."

"Too much of the time." Stabler shut his eyes and rested. Toby would be close, and right now, it was enough.

********

Toby thought he should probably go work a few hours, but he hated to leave Stabler alone. What if he couldn't hold his dick or something? Toby cleaned the kitchen again and hoped they ordered out for dinner. He didn't mind doing some cooking, but three times a day was going to get old fast. He might have to move out to get some rest. Fuck it. He was going to stay until Stabler booted him to the curb. After all, what else did he have besides Stabler's gruff affection? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Toby went up to his room and unpacked. He sat down on his bed and looked through the pictures again. Holly, Harry, Gary, his parents, Grandma, Sister Pete, Angus, and one of Chris. Just one, but it was enough. Toby stowed them away and went downstairs. Finding things to do while Stabler slept wasn't easy, and finally Toby curled up in a chair with his book. The morning turned into lunch, and the doorbell ringing woke them both up. Toby got it.

"Delivery for Elliot Stabler. Sign here."

Toby signed and took it. It was from his old law firm. "It's for you."

Stabler groaned. He looked groggy. Toby got him a big glass of water and put the package in his lap. It had to be Stabler's divorce, but he did nothing more than put it on the coffee table.

Two seconds later, the doorbell rang again. Toby glared at the door. "I'm going to work where it's quiet." But he got it.

"Delivery."

Toby took it and tossed it down by the first one. "You're a popular guy."

Stabler rubbed his face. "I expected the first one." He grabbed the second one and tore it open. Toby groaned. He recognized that by the color. Stabler read the note aloud. "Check out your roommate. Olivia."

"Okay. That's my cue to go pick up your dry cleaning. Enjoy your reading." Toby got up and checked his wallet. When he came back, he could pack again. Shit.

********

Stabler sighed and put the file down. "I suppose none of it is good."

"I did sing in the choir." Toby gave him a funny smile. "Just read it. Then, we can discuss the bullet points, and then, I can move out."

Stabler drank the rest of his water. "You did my shirts?"

"I was bored. I'll go get them. I promise you it won't happen again." Toby was out the door before Stabler could say another word. The cat came in as Toby went out. Stabler oofed when his lap was suddenly full.

"You're fat." The cat purred and made happy feet. Stabler winced and pushed him to a safe distance. He wasn't going to read it, but he could skim it. After a few minutes, he swallowed hard and put it down. Prison was never pretty, and Oz was the worst New York had to offer. The cat nudged him, and Stabler gave him a pat. "I should read it."

The cat curled up and dropped right to sleep. Stabler opened the file again. After a while, he just went numb. If he'd been reading about a stranger, it would have been easy, but this was Toby. One thing was very interesting, and he studied it closely. Toby had had regular visits from someone in his family up until he'd broken his parole. After that, nothing. No one.

Toby had knifed Schillinger, Keller had killed himself, and then Em City had been shut down because of biohazards, but no visitors after that either. It was clear to see that by breaking his parole, Toby had alienated his family. They'd written him off. Why? Lots of skels go back into the system, but of course, Toby was from a wealthy family of lawyers. Maybe they'd expected more from a Harvard man.

A hand suddenly held out water, and he took it. Putting the file aside, he was nauseous from it; he took a long drink. "Thanks."

"Well, if you'll still talk to me, it's something." Toby sat down and pulled the cat into his lap.

Stabler took another drink. "I'm glad you knifed Schillinger."

"I only wish I'd have gotten to enjoy it." Toby sighed. "How could I know that Chris had switched the prop for a real shank?"

"You couldn't." Stabler hesitated. There were only two things he wanted to discuss. "I'm sorry about your son. I didn't know."

Toby lowered his head. "Thank you. It was, perhaps, the worst fuck-up of my life. I thought that I could make things right with Schillinger. My family paid dearly for it."

Stabler could see the grief on Toby's face. There really weren't any words that either of them could say. Stabler had seen the horror in his job, and he knew Toby's pain, but he hadn't been through it himself, thank God. "Nothing can undo it."

"You're so right." Toby rubbed his face. "I'll always miss him, and I'll always blame myself. I killed a child, and mine was killed. The evil that we do comes back to us."

Stabler couldn't think of anything else to say. Toby had had years to punish himself. It was best to move on to the other thing he was curious about.

"Why did you break your parole?"

"Chris asked me to." Toby nodded. "He told me his ex-wife had cancer and needed these drugs. I picked them up, and the cops picked me up."

"Keller sold you out."

"Yes." Toby brushed his hair back. "He couldn't live without me, or so he said."

"And your family?" Stabler saw the stricken look come over Toby's face. "They never forgave you."

"I'd betrayed my surviving children for some prison lover. No, they never forgave it, and they never will. I don't blame them, not really." Toby looked up and their eyes met. "After that, the reading is pretty dull. I got sent to Rikers, back to Oz, and did the rest of my time."

"What happened to Robson?" Stabler had winced when he read about that guy.

"He died of AIDS. He refused to take his meds." Toby's eyes were sad. "They're all dead except for Ryan O'Reily, nothing can kill him."

"I didn't see his name mentioned." Stabler didn't remember it. "Who was he?"

"Leader of the Irish and the lord of the dance." Toby laughed, but it wasn't funny. "I could tell you a hundred stories about him."

"You liked him?" Stabler thought he heard respect, maybe a trace of admiration.

"O'Reily had nothing and nobody, but he survived. He was my first supplier." Toby shrugged. "Hey, can I order pizza?"

"How about Chinese?" Stabler didn't want to invite Benson over tonight, and he took the change of topic gratefully. They'd said enough for one night. He'd thought they'd find time to talk while he was home hurt, and getting it all dropped into his lap was a bit much. The one thing he did know was that his opinion of Toby hadn't changed. Toby was doing his best, which was pretty damn good, and it was a shame that no one seemed to see it.

"Sounds good, and then I'll pack." Toby picked up the file and flipped through it. "I'll take the blood on my soul to my grave, but beyond that, Benson should have waited until you were healthy."

"I'm inclined to agree with you. It's a lot to read." Stabler finished his water. He needed another pain pill soon. Forget the beer; he needed medication. "I need to go for a walk. Want to come?"

"Are you sure?"

"Doctor's orders." Stabler let Toby help him up. They put on their coats, and Toby locked the door behind them. Stabler went left out of the driveway and just walked, not too fast. He wondered if Benson had read the entire file, and what she'd taken away from it. Toby didn't talk. He just walked along. Stabler slowed down after a block or two, and then turned around. "I think Angus is under the impression that you're moving out."

"I told him that I might have to." Toby looked at him. "I'm not a good man, Elliot. You know the truth now."

"Who is?" Stabler headed for home, more food, and possibly another nap. He wasn't all that worried about the things Toby had done. Toby had paid for it, a few times in advance, and he regretted it. That made him more of a man than most. Stabler hesitated at his steps and decided to sit in the sun for a second. "Sit with me."

Toby sat down on the step above him. "I should punch Benson in the face."

"I'm almost sure she'd arrest you. Toby, it doesn't change anything. You'd told me about Keller and Schillinger. I never expected you to recite all the years, list each sin, and whether or not you did penance!"

"I'm not Catholic, but I see your point." Toby leaned back on the other step. "Getting high would make it all slide away."

Stabler didn't like hearing that. Toby had so damn little. It was a miracle that he'd stayed clean as long as he had. Stabler sighed. "Shut up with that shit."

"Let's go inside, and I'll make you a sandwich. Then you can watch Dr. Phil. I like it when he says, 'That dog won't hunt!'" Toby grinned. Stabler pointed at the car pulling into his driveway. Toby looked. "Forget it. I'm gone." And he was. He disappeared into the garage like his cat. Stabler eased up to his feet and waited.

"Was that Beecher I saw running off?" Cragen pointed at the garage.

"Yep. He's not overly fond of cops." Stabler opened the door. "Come on in."

"Thanks. We need to talk about a number of things." Cragen didn't smile.  
Stabler nearly groaned. He had hoped this could wait. "Hopefully, not anything that's going to make my arm hurt any worse than it does."

Cragen pulled off his coat. "You let me know."

*********

Toby waited until Cragen was inside, and then he started walking. It wasn't long before he got a cab. Since they hadn't expected him to come to work, he just found some mail to sort and took his time doing it. This job sucked, and it reminded him far too much of Oz. Down in the mail room, no windows, nothing but schmucks and mail. The other mailroom boys were college age, and for them, this was a good job.

"Are you down here, Toby?" The voice came from the main door.

"Over here." Toby kept on working.

"I heard you were in the building.” Karl put his hands on his beefy hips. He didn't look happy. “Why didn't you quit in protest?" 

Toby picked up another stack and moved down to the correct boxes. "I would be protesting the unfortunate reality that is my life."

"You're wasted down here." Karl shuffled his feet. "I've gotten twenty complaints today from both clients and other employees!"

"You act like this was my decision, Karl." Toby shrugged. There wasn't anything he could do about it. "You have to stay on the good side of the cops. It's okay."

"No, it isn't. Did Stabler kick you out?"

"No, and he's not going to, or at least, he says he's not going to." Toby couldn't imagine where this was going. Karl needed to forget it.

"This isn't over." Karl huffed. He lumbered off. Toby dismissed it. He could stay here or find another job. It wasn't like Karl hadn't known that Toby was an ex-con. Benson had just leaned on him too hard. Cops would do that. They weren't always as interested in fair as in what they thought was right.

"Want to deliver?" It was Mike. He was so young.

"Sure." Toby grabbed the cart and got moving. He could spread the word that Stabler was home and fine. There were several women who would want to know.

********

Stabler found the pain pills and took one. He hurt, and he didn't like it. It was at that point that Cragen's cell phone rang. Stabler was glad to take a break.

"Cragen."

Stabler didn't listen. He shut his eyes and leaned his head back. Toby would bring food home, and they could have a nice, quiet evening. Stabler just had to pay for it now.  
"She did what?" Cragen's voice penetrated Stabler's fog. Stabler got up and went to piss. He didn't want to know. He yanked up his sweats and washed his hand. Going back out, he found a nice spot and was glad when the cat got in his lap.

"Elliot, what do you know about Olivia getting Toby Beecher fired?" Cragen frowned and sat down. "That was Victim's Services. They're pissed at us!"

Stabler pointed at the file. "Toby is an ex-con. Benson acted on it."

"They knew he was an ex-con when they hired him!" Cragen picked it up, but didn't open it. "She overstepped her bounds. Beecher hasn't done anything wrong."

Stabler felt caught. He couldn't complain about his partner, but he wanted to defend Toby. "I wouldn't let him live here, if I thought he was a threat. He watches my kids if I'm running late."

Cragen stood and got his coat. "Lately, things are just going to hell in a handbasket. It makes me want to take up drinking again."

"Toby said the same thing today. Must be catching." Stabler didn't get up. "Are we square?"

"Yes. Come in next week, and we'll see how long you can work before you pass out."

"Good enough." Stabler was very glad when the door shut. Benson was in trouble, but she'd done it to herself. Stabler leaned back and closed his eyes. He'd rest for a minute.

********

Toby smiled when he saw Stabler and the cat sleeping. They were handsome together, two big guys with attitudes.

"Food?" Stabler didn't even open his eyes.

"Yes. Let me get you upstairs. You can eat in bed." Toby put everything down on the kitchen table and went back for him. "You look exhausted."

"Cragen wore me out." Stabler leaned into him, and they went upstairs. Toby nearly panted at the end of it. Stabler was not light, and he didn't walked all that straight. Toby helped him get comfortable, propped up on the bed. Stabler smiled a little. "Toby, did you go to work?"

"For a couple of hours. Mail doesn't deliver itself." Toby checked the time. "When did you take a pain pill?"

"About three." Stabler scratched his arm. "Later, I need a good scratch."

Toby smiled and went to get him a plate of food. They ate together on the bed in companionable silence, watching the news on the small TV. Toby didn't know what to say, and Stabler just ate. Poor guy had missed lunch.

"That's good. I owe you?"

"On me, this time." Toby wiped his mouth. "So what happens to you? Do you get penalized for being shot?"

Stabler's eyes twinkled. "Yeah. They can fire me for not ducking fast enough."

"They should, smart ass. Really. That was an ugly one. Do you get blamed?" Toby was curious. The workings of the police department were a mystery to him.

"Given the circumstances, no. They took my badge and gun because of I was involved in a shooting, but I'll get them back once the investigation is over." Stabler picked up the remote and clicked off the TV.

"They should smack you around for not killing that boy. I know you hesitated." Toby saw it drop over Stabler's face - anger - but all it did was confirm the truth.

"Get out."

"Get pissed. I don't care. You should have shot him!" Toby took Stabler's empty plate before it was thrown at him.

"I couldn't. He was a child." Stabler's eyes shot fire at him. "A boy!"

"I know, but boys kill. That's why Oz has plenty of young asses to fuck." Toby tossed Stabler a fortune cookie. "You're mad at yourself."

Stabler looked away and crushed the cookie. "I am. I should have shot him."

Toby leaned and grasped Stabler's hand. "There. Now don't you feel better?"

Stabler yanked him. Toby went and allowed Stabler to hold him down and tight. "I don't like your methods, Beech."

Toby managed to relax. It wasn't easy. He didn't like this at all. His first impulse was to get very violent, but it was Stabler. Stabler was occasionally a bit rough and tumble. It didn't mean anything. Toby took a deep breath to let out the shakes, and Stabler released him suddenly. 

"It's funny how hesitating can be the right decision or the wrong one, and we never know which until the blood hits the wall." Toby didn't get up for a minute. He waited to see if Stabler would let him.

"I'm not laughing." Stabler tapped him on the head. "What should I do next time?"

"You'll know." Toby believed that. He cautiously sat up on the bed, hiding his anger at being treated like a prag. "You won't see the boy. You'll watch the gun."

Stabler grunted. "You're right, but I pray there won't ever be a next time."

Toby got up and started clearing away the mess. "I'll pray too."

********

Stabler put his feet on the floor and waited for his brain to kick in. He was tired of the constant drum of pain, but he told himself it was better. The house was quiet, but he thought he smelled coffee. Again, he looked at his cast, and the events played out behind his closed eyelids. Each shot rang in his head and again he hesitated to kill a child. The child came at him again. He was dead. He knew it. The blast was loud. The look on the boy's face changed from pure hatred to bodily shock. 

"Elliot." Toby's hand rested gently on Stabler's face. "You did all you could."

"It's never enough." Stabler knew he was a failure. His father had known it. He always disappointed the ones he loved. And in his business, mistakes led to dead people. His father should have mentioned it before insisting on law enforcement as a career.

"Yes. It is."

Stabler opened his eyes and took the cup of coffee and the little pill. "Thank you. You, Toby Beecher, are a good case in point. If I had simply told Benson about you, you might still have your job. You could have helped any number of people, but it won't happen now. Thanks to me."

"Elliot, you're taking the world and putting it on your shoulders. Benson would have done that no matter what you did. You aren't responsible for the choices other people make." Toby squatted down in front of him.

Stabler popped the pill in his mouth and chased it with coffee. Toby made good coffee.

"You can't fix the world. Do the good you can and live with the rest." Toby stood up.

Stabler remembered a long time ago when he'd been able to go to bed every night and tell himself that, but somewhere along the line, it had all changed. It had become personal. No, the job had become his life, instead of his wife and kids.

"How about a shower?"

"Sure." Stabler handed him back the coffee and got to his feet. Straightening his back, he bit back a groan. "Did you ever do any good?"

"Hell no, but by bringing you coffee, I get bonus points." Toby smiled at him. "I'm going to ride your tailcoat into heaven."

Stabler had to laugh. "Uh, Toby, there's a few things you should know." Heaven wasn't an option, not since he'd found his hands tangled in Toby's long hair, and he didn't regret it.

"Ah, skip it. Ignorance is bliss." Toby wrapped the cast in plastic. "That should work. You want to fumble through this on your own, or do you want me to wash your back?"

Stabler wasn't sure. He hated feeling like an invalid, but his back was dirty from lying on it for two days straight.

"I'm taking your hesitation as a no." Toby adjusted the shower curtain. "Don't fall."

Stabler took a step and blocked the door. "Take it off, Beecher."

Toby stared at him and then slowly smiled. "Don't pull that bad cop routine with me."

Stabler grabbed a fistful of Toby's shirt and pulled. "How about a quick strip search?"

"This is not making me horny." Toby did take his clothes off though, and Stabler shoved down his underwear. They got in the shower together, and it was a tight fit with the cast. Stabler handed Toby the soap. Toby put it to good use. "Kathy called. She's bringing the kids over this afternoon."

"Good." Stabler let out a small groan. "Get your hands off my ass."

"It was dirty." Toby kissed him on the back. "Someone from your doctor called. They want to see you tomorrow."

"Okay." Stabler wasn't thinking about that. He was trying to make his dick go down. It wasn't working. "You'd think I'd be too weak from blood loss."

Toby reached around. "I can make it go away. If it's bothering you."

Stabler liked Toby's sense of humor. "Is it gonna hurt?"

"Might." Toby tugged him back. "Turn around."

Stabler did and gasped when he found out why. Toby smiled up at him. Stabler groaned and tried not to fall on his ass. "I don't have as much energy as I used to."

Toby sucked him hard and fast, and because of it, the results came quickly. Stabler felt the world drop away and then slam back into him. It felt so good, and he slowly folded to his knees. Toby gave him a quick kiss and stood up. "I'll wash your hair."

Stabler caught Toby's dick with his hand. He wouldn't have minded using his mouth, but Toby pushed his head back and slopped on some shampoo.

"Shut your eyes."

Stabler stroked him slowly as the soap was worked into his hair. It felt good, and he lowered his head. Toby caught him by the chin and pushed his head back into the water. It sluiced over his head, soap ran, and Toby gave a small grunt.

"I'm about ready to get you dirty," Toby whispered. Stabler added a short twist to his hand movement. Toby gasped and groaned. He grabbed hold of him. "Up."

Stabler stood. Toby kissed him and shut off the water. Stabler leaned against him and breathed. "It's a good thing I don't start every day like this."

"Yeah. You'd lose that bad ass Stabler attitude." Toby got them towels. "You'd be whistling and humming at the crime scene."

Stabler dried his face. "You're right. That would be wrong."

Toby flashed him a quick grin, and Stabler laughed. It seemed to take forever before he was dried, dressed, and downstairs enjoying his coffee. Damn arm. Damn Nazis. Breakfast became brunch, and he didn't protest when Toby insisted he take a nap before the kids arrived.

"Are you going to work?"

"Not today." Toby put a blanket over him and picked up the cat. "Sleep with El, okay, cat?"

The cat took up a lot of space, and Stabler caught Toby's hand. "Thanks."

"You owe me." Toby winked and disappeared in the direction of the garage. Stabler knew he owed Toby, but he hoped the collection process would be relatively painless.

********

"Thanks, Toby, for helping with the kids," Kathy said and gave him a quick hug.

"They're no trouble." Toby was always surprised that she liked him. Him. It didn't make much sense, but it felt good, so he didn't complain. "Give him a day or two to recover."

"Will do." She got in the van, threw him a wave, and was gone.

"If you think that little scene is going to convince me that you're some great guy, you're a fool as well as an ex-con."

Toby hadn't seen her come up. He was too busy enjoying Kathy's trust. Well, that little moment was over. "Yeah, well, bite me." And he headed for the garage. She didn't stop him. He flopped down on his bed, laced his hands behind his head, and wished his own kids liked him, just a little. They never would. He had faced that bitter reality years ago, but it still hurt like hell. He'd been out six months, and he hadn't seen them yet. What the fuck was the use of being out if he couldn't be with his children. They weren't kids anymore, but they were still his children. His.

"Hey, Beecher!"

Toby trudged halfway down and sat on the steps. "What?"

Fin twitched his head towards the house. "Pizza will be here soon."

"How many cops?" Toby wasn't sure he could deal with more than Fin.

"Six, maybe seven." Fin tucked his hands under his arms. "You a pussy?"

Toby thought about it. Yeah. He was a pussy. "I'm not serving drinks."

"You ain't nobody's bitch." Fin obviously felt like he'd said enough because he left. Toby wasn't so sure about this, but he was hungry after chasing Stabler's kids all afternoon. If he was going to be even a peripheral part of Stabler's life, he had to be willing to be in the same room with cops. Shit. They'd all give him that look. And he knew it wasn't the alcohol. Hell, half of them were drunks. It was the drugs. Cops hated drugs. Benson would have filled them in on the details of Toby's addiction by now.

Toby got up, dusted off his jeans, and went in the house.

********

Stabler reached for the long neck. He needed this, and if he had to skip a pain pill, well, he would. The cat glared at him. "Oh shut up, furball."

"I didn't know you had a cat, Elliot," Benson said.

"I don't." Stabler twisted the cap off and savored the taste. He'd always liked beer, and he wasn't going to apologize for it. "The cat moved in with Toby."

"Can't seem to get rid of either of them, huh?" She smiled, but it was false.

Toby moved into Stabler's view. "We pay our rent."

Stabler nearly laughed. He choked it off. Toby had a lot of balls coming inside. Stabler's smile went away when Toby pointed at the beer.

"Willing to pay the price?"

"Yes." Stabler took another drink, held it in his mouth for a moment, and swallowed. Heaven in a bottle.

Benson didn't look happy. "I took a rip because of your skel renter."

"That's all on you," Stabler said. "I didn't ask you to act like a psycho cop."

"Thanks a lot." Benson leaned closer. "You could have told me that you needed money."

"Like that was going to happen." Toby picked up his cat. "Come away from the crazy lady, kitty." And he strolled off. Stabler watched her eyes turn mean. Toby was heading for a tune up. She would kick his ass. But that was funny.

"Child support ain't cheap. Right, Steve?"

"Damn straight." Steve nodded. "When's the pizza getting here?"

"About ten minutes," Benson snapped.

Stabler got out of the chair and stretched, but gently. He'd sat too long. "Hey Fin, how's Munch?"

"He'll be here. Think he'd miss a party?"

"Hope he brings a pillow!"

Everyone laughed. Stabler clicked on the TV to the Thursday night game and wandered to the kitchen. Toby was sitting at the table talking to Cragen.

"Captain, I didn't see you come in."

"It was the huge cat in your lap blocking your view." Cragen smiled. "I had to make an appearance, and there's free food."

"I'm not buying," Toby said quickly. Stabler squelched the glare he'd been about to shoot Toby's way. Benson and the guys must have kicked in the money.

"Toby has his job back," Cragen said. "And our apology, which he didn't want."

"I'm a skel, right Stabler?"

Stabler knew he was supposed to agree, but it stuck in his throat. "No beer for you two. How about a soda?"

Cragen nodded, and Stabler pulled them out and slid them down the table. Toby took it and sighed. Cragen looked at him. "I hear you. It never gets any easier."

"Sure doesn't." Toby popped it open.

Stabler had the feeling they were getting ready to talk about AA and commiserate, so he left to make sure everyone had something to drink. It wasn't exactly a lie.

********

It took three guys to get Stabler up the stairs. Benson hovered over him, and Toby didn't go with them. It was long after midnight, and the morning was going to be absolute hell. Stabler had a doctor's appointment.

"What are you thinking?" Fin leaned into the wall near Toby.

"That Stabler's doctor is going to be pissed." Toby smoothed his hair back. He wanted to know a few things about Fin. "You ever do any time?"

"Sure." Fin gave a quick nod. "I've been undercover in every prison in this state, even Oz."

"I thought so. You got the swagger." Toby stuck his hands in his pockets. "Got sick of narcotics, huh?"

"SVU ain't no cakewalk." Fin shrugged. "I gotta take Munch home."

"He's asleep." Toby pointed with his chin at the sleeping man on the sofa. "He can stay there."

"You sure?" Fin didn't sound convinced.

"Yep. I'll get him a cab in the morning." Toby looked around the room. He was not cleaning this mess up. No fucking way, not even a little of it. Okay, maybe the kitchen. He sighed. "I gotta clean up."

Fin barked a short laugh. "I'll help out."

"Ms. Benson sure as hell won't." Toby didn't like her. She'd done nothing but act like a bitch and a prima donna. The other cops hadn't even seemed to notice.

"She's a cop, so back off." Fin caught the trash bag that Toby tossed him.

"I'll shut up, but you know I have a case." Toby got out the glass and aluminum containers for recycling.

Fin shrugged and went to load up his bag. Toby put himself in charge of beer bottles. Damn. Cops put fish to shame.

********

Stabler's eyes shot open. He jerked up. "Damn it!"

"Here." Toby held out a plastic trash can.

Stabler leaned over it and threw up. And again. His eyeballs rolled away, his tongue felt like a slab of liver, and he shook. The shaking pissed off his arm. Pain. God damn. He hurt! Toby gently wiped Stabler's face with a cold washcloth and then put it on his neck.

"I gotta pour Munch into a taxi. Don't get up. You might fall."

Stabler couldn't even nod. He sat on the edge of the bad and waited for everything to subside. Breathing through his mouth helped. Damn. He was an idiot. Reaching back, he grabbed the washcloth and wiped his face again. His wife would be kicking his ass for this.

"Okay. Munch and his pillow are on their way home." Toby took the trash can, went to the bathroom, and came back with it empty. "More?"

"I think I'm good." Stabler meant good in the sense that he felt like shit. "Pain pill?"

"No. You drank too much. Maybe at lunch." Toby helped him lay down and washed his face again. "Just rest until your doctor's appointment."

"Damn," Stabler whispered.

"Yeah. You're busted." Toby sat down on the floor next to him.

"You mad?" Stabler hoped not.

"I'm not your wife," Toby drawled. "I'm a guy. We get drunk and then we pay for it. Right now, you're paying. Enjoy it."

"You miss it." Stabler knew it was true.

"Yes, I do." Toby crossed his legs and leaned back against the wall like a small child would. "Keep breathing through your mouth."

"Got it." Stabler felt his stomach roil. He was so stupid. The cat landed on the bed, and the slight movement was enough to push him over the edge. Toby held him. Stabler's head buzzed and he wanted to die, but that would be too easy. He'd have to suffer instead.

"I don't miss this part." Toby wiped him down again. Stabler wanted to curl up and shiver, but the cast made that hard. Toby pulled the covers over him. "You'll make it."

Stabler looked up at him. "I love you."

"That's the beer talking." Toby kissed him on the forehead. Stabler shut his eyes and shook. It was the truth, and he'd wanted to say it for a couple of weeks. Now he could pretend it was nothing but the beer talking.

*********

Toby checked his watch. They needed to be leaving for the doctor, but Stabler was in no condition to drive. A cab presented its own problems, and he was running out of options. He was going to have to call Fin.

"Stabler?"

Toby went downstairs quickly. He wasn't happy to see Benson, but she was the answer to his problem. "Benson, Elliot has a doctor's appointment. Can you drive him there?"

Benson's eyebrows went up. "Where is he?"

"Dressed, but still in bed." Toby was more worried than he'd admit to her. "He's exhausted, and I'm not sure I can get him down the stairs alone."

"Why didn't you call for help?" Benson snapped.

Toby wondered if she was always such a problem solver. "I'm asking you for help."

Benson went past him and upstairs. Toby got his coat, wallet, key and Stabler's pain pills before going up after her. She looked at him. "I'm calling an ambulance."

"No." Stabler shook his head. He managed to sit up. "Just help me to the doctor."

Toby got under Stabler's arm and grunted at the weight of him, solid muscle. Benson helped by going first and making sure they didn't fall down the stairs. Toby felt strung out by the time they got Stabler in the car. "You gotta go on a diet."

"You'd think I'd weigh less after all the puking." Stabler leaned his head back. "If I say stop the car, please stop."

Benson shut the car door. "Get in the back, Toby."

Toby got in. She was finally acting human. Stabler made it to the hospital without throwing up, but when Toby helped him out, he threw up on the sidewalk. Benson dashed inside, and Toby was relieved to see two guys pushing a gurney come out the door. Stabler was going to be pissed when this was over, but it was too damn bad. They got him on it, and Toby trotted along with them inside the hospital. It was Benson who stopped him from going in the exam room.

"They got him. Let them work."

Toby pulled his arm away from her. "Fine." He rubbed his face and leaned against the wall. Fatigue was creeping over him. He should have slept, but he'd been afraid that Stabler would drown in his own vomit.

"How long has he been throwing up?"

"All morning." Toby shoved his hair back behind his ears.

Benson sighed. "Hopefully, he kept down the pain pills I gave him."

"What?" Toby stood up straight and moved in on her. "You gave him a pain pill?"

"Two. He asked for them. I could see he was hurting." She took a small step back. "Why?"

Toby wanted to punch her in the face. "Pain pills and alcohol?" He left her with her mouth open and went in the exam room. This was information the doctor would need.

Stabler rolled his head Toby's direction. "Don't leave."

"I'm right outside." Toby grabbed the doctor and filled him in.

The doctor frowned. "What was the dosage?"

Toby handed the pills over.

"Okay. Out. You can see him when I get him to a room." The doctor went to work, and Toby reluctantly backed towards the door. Stabler was throwing up again. Nurses were helping him. He'd be okay. Toby rubbed his face and punched the wall.

Benson grabbed him by the arm. "Is he okay?"

"No." Toby jerked away and left her. He was furious. He should have kept closer watch. Stabler had been drunk. Toby sat down in the waiting room and clasped his hands together. He had lost everyone he loved, and telling himself that wasn't going to happen with Stabler wasn't easy. He'd killed them all. Squeezing his head between his hands, he fought to control the panic that choked him.

"Hey, I'm sure he's going to be fine." Benson needed to leave him alone. Toby didn't look at her, but she sat down close. "My mom drank and took pain pills. Nothing bad ever happened."

Toby looked in her eyes. She was lying. She was scared. He took a deep breath, but there were no words.

The doctor stepped into the waiting room. "We're putting him in a room. 212."

"How is he?" Benson asked breathlessly.

"He's dehydrated, exhausted, and groggy, but he'll be fine in a day or two. I gave him something to relax his stomach muscles and put in an IV." The doctor frowned. "Mixing pain meds and alcohol isn't very smart."

Toby rubbed his face. That was the understatement of the year. Benson flushed. "I didn't think."

"Next time, skip one or the other." The doctor left quickly. Toby put his hands in his pockets so Benson didn't see them shaking.

"You need a ride somewhere?"

Toby knew that for her this was an olive branch, but he was too angry to accept it. "No. I'll catch a cab later."

She nodded and sighed. "I have to go to work."

Toby had no idea what she wanted from him. Absolution? Empty platitudes? He wanted to hit her. "Your mother was an alcoholic."

"Yes." Benson raised her head. She looked defiant now. "And like you, she didn't care who she hurt."

Toby understood her animosity towards him now. "I care." And he walked away from her. He went to the nearest restroom to wash his face and get himself under control. Stabler was going to be okay, and that was what mattered, not Benson and her issues.

*********

Stabler stared at the hospital ceiling and hated himself. It was easy when he felt so crappy.

"Hey, partner."

"Hey." Stabler turned his head slightly. "You're taking a long lunch."

She smiled. "I need to get back. Can I trust you to stay in bed?"

"Sure." Stabler reached and clasped her hand. "Thanks."

She looked away, gave him a squeeze, and shrugged. "I'll check in with you tonight."

"Good." Stabler turned her loose, and she was out the door. He had the feeling he was missing something, but he was too tired to care. Shutting his eyes, he tried not to think and not to feel. Time drifted and eased around him, and when he opened his eyes, Toby was there. Slumped in a chair pulled close. Toby. He must be angry.

"Quit staring. It makes me crazy." Toby didn't open his eyes.

"How do you know?" Stabler wanted to pull him on the bed and hold him close. Toby sat up straighter, stretched, and yawned. He rubbed his eyes. Stabler didn't think he was getting an answer. Prison had probably done it though. Always sleeping with one eye open, just in case his cellmate went nuts.

Toby stood and checked his watch. "Damn. I might as well go back to sleep."

Stabler smiled. It was late. He'd slept the day and part of the evening away. "You should go home and feed the cat."

"Probably still gorged on pepperoni." Toby sat down with a thump. "You cops sure do know how to throw a party."

"We take notes when we break them up." Stabler had to touch him. "Come here."

Toby got up, dropped the bed rail, and sat down close. "What?"

"I know a kiss is out of the question until after I brush my teeth." Stabler rested his hand on Toby's chest. Toby smiled and kissed him on the forehead. Stabler gave him a fast hug just for the touch. "Thanks for not leaving me to be miserable."

"Uh, you are miserable, right?"

"Pretty much. Never mind. Thanks for not leaving." Stabler kept his hand on him. "You happy you got your job back?"

"I guess. It seems cheap, but I'll take it." Toby sighed. "You scared the shit out of me."

"Again." Stabler couldn't feel any worse than he already did. "I didn't think I drank all that much."

Toby hesitated. His blue eyes narrowed. "You took two pain pills when I wasn't looking. My fault."

"Damn." Stabler couldn't believe he'd done such a stupid thing. "I'm sorry."

"You'd had too much to drink, and those pills they gave you are strong ones. You're lucky they didn't pump your stomach."

"Nothing left in it." Stabler looked at his guts. They ached, and the thought of food made him want to puke again. "You paid for my stupidity."

Toby slid off the bed. "Don't beat yourself up over it. You're going to suffer enough." He picked up his coat. "Listen. I gotta go, um, well."

"Don't say it." Stabler groaned at the idea of food. "Are you leaving?"

"No." Toby rubbed a hand through his hair.

Stabler knew when to give up. "Good."

Toby smiled and left the room. Stabler relaxed back and shut his eyes. Lord, he was an idiot, and he was lucky to have Toby and Benson looking out for him.

********

Toby hit the salad bar hard. He was hungry. He'd had nothing since yesterday's pizza. His cell phone rang about the time he sat down.

"Hello?"

"Hi Toby. It's Karl."

Toby took a bite. "What's up?" he mumbled around the food. He was hungry!

"Are you coming in tomorrow?"

Toby swallowed. "Stabler's back in the hospital. I'll come in Monday. Okay?"

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah. He got dehydrated." Toby took another bite and chewed fast.

"Good. And Monday's fine. You aren't mad?"

"Nope." Toby gave up trying to eat for a minute. "I'll be in Monday morning."

"Thanks. We need your help." Karl hesitated. "Thanks."

"Later." Toby shut it and started eating again. Food. Wow. His happiness was short-lived when she sat down across from him, face pinched.

"Tell me what lies you put in Stabler's head before I go see him." Benson's eyes shot fire at him.

Toby rolled his eyes. Damn it. He took a sip of his soda and wiped his mouth. "I told him it was my fault, which isn't really a lie. I should've been watching. You were clueless. Now please go away." He started eating again, and he wasn't talking until his plate was empty.

"You covered for me?" Benson didn't believe it. Toby didn't care. He wasn't talking. She stared at him for a few more minutes. "I can see you're finished talking."

He didn't look directly at her, and miracle of miracles, she went away. He remembered a time when he would have loved to mess with her, get in her head, and make her like him. Now it just seemed stupid. The only person he cared about was Stabler. His phone rang again, and he almost ignored, but his plate was nearly empty.

"Hello?"

"It's Angus." A pause. A long one. "Did you find a new place to live?"

"Stabler refused to kick me out, so for now, I'm staying." Toby took another drink. He knew his brother didn't give a damn, so what the hell was this all about.

"That's good, I guess." Angus cleared his throat. "Harry has a basketball game next Friday at school."

Toby felt his heart pick up speed. Hope reared its ugly head. "And I'm invited?"

"No." Angus made that clear. "But it's a public place. I can't stop you from showing up."

Toby didn't understand, and he wanted to. "Why are you doing this?"

"I miss Dad," Angus said.

"So do I." Toby didn't hear a hint of forgiveness, but he didn't want it, not after everything he'd done. "I miss you."

Angus coughed. "Later." And he clicked off. Toby shut the phone slowly and put it in his pocket. He wasn't sure if that was good news or bad, but everyone was dead now. It was just him and Angus. Brothers.

"Damn you, Chris." Toby had screwed up plenty of times, but never bigger than when he'd actually trusted Chris. Stupid. Stupid. It had cost him everything that Oz hadn't already fucked up. and then Chris had taken the easy road out, the cocksucker. And that had made sure that Toby had no chance at another parole. No. He'd had to do his time. Angus should hate him. Angus did hate him. His children hated him, and he didn't even want to think about Angus's wife.

"You look like a man with a problem." Fin plunked down a plate and sat.

"Hey. Join me." Toby picked at the rest of his food. Suddenly, he wasn't hungry. "You come here for the food?"

"Don't be an ass." Fin started eating, and Toby hoped they didn't have to talk. Toby finished his plate and drank his soda. Fin finally spoke up. "You rich?"

Toby hadn't expected that question. He thought about his answer carefully. "Yes."

"Thought so." Fin tilted his head to the side. "Why live in a garage?"

Toby didn't want to answer that. He stared at him.

Fin almost smiled. "You're keeping prison right where you can see it. I respect that."

"Maybe so. You got kids, Fin?"

Fin frowned. "Ain't none of your business."

"That's a yes." Toby looked him over again. "They ashamed of you?"

"No." Fin ate a French fry. "My boy's gay. In our community, it doesn't sit easy."

Toby heard years of hurt in those simple words. "The heterosexual community?"

"The black community. Asshole." Fin wasn't leaving though. He kept on eating.

Toby watched him. "I saw a lot of that in prison. The gay black men were ostracized. It was okay to fuck a man in the ass but not okay to like it."

Fin nodded. "You like it?"

Toby leaned back and smiled. He'd almost let his guard down. He could see now that it would be a mistake around Fin. "I don't remember ever doing the fucking."

"You think you paid enough?"

Toby instantly knew what Fin meant. "No, but I'll roast in hell someday. That should do it."

"We all make mistakes." Fin pushed the tray away slightly. "I gotta go."

"See ya." Toby gave him a small smile. "You got a cell number?"

Fin nodded and pulled out his phone. "Don't be afraid to call it."

Toby put the number in the memory and gave Fin his. Fin picked up his tray and left. He wasn't an average cop, and Toby could speak honestly with him. It was refreshing. Of course, Toby would have to pick his truths, but it was better than silence, condemnation, and eyes that refused to meet his. He put his tray on the conveyor belt, refilled his soda, and headed back upstairs.

Stabler was alone, and he looked asleep, but he opened his eyes as soon as the door shut. "Hey, Beech."

Toby smiled. "Hey, Stab."

"I really hate that." Stabler smiled back at him, and it was beautiful. "Did you get enough of that thing I don't want to discuss?"

"Yes." Toby sat down and fiddled with his coat. "They ever going to feed you?"

Stabler groaned. "I begged them not to."

Toby knew that feeling well. "Shower?"

"I don't trust my legs." Stabler shrugged. "Tomorrow. You should go home."

"Why? You mad at me?" Toby got up, dropped the side rail, and stared down at him. "Roll over and I'll rub your back."

"It'll hurt." Stabler was not a tough guy today, but he managed to roll enough to present Toby with his back. Toby knew from the lack of grunt that Stabler had pain meds in his IV. Gently, Toby rubbed, trying to ease the tension from vomiting. Stabler gave a small sigh and said, "Benson gave me the pain pills."

"Yes." Toby wasn't going to lie. If she'd wanted to come clean, it was her business. "I was stupid to let you out of my sight. She didn't know."

Stabler gave him a look. "Her mother did a number on her."

Toby didn't much care. He didn't have to work with her. "She's your partner."

"Yeah." Stabler was relaxing. "I wish we were home."

Toby did too. He kept his hands moving until Stabler was asleep. Pulling the blankets up again, he slid off and into the chair. His heart gave a twist, and he rubbed his eyes. He loved this man so much. It had to end poorly.

********* 

Stabler hated the hospital. He hated it. And he was going home. Today.

"Okay. I can see by your face that this is a bad place to be." Toby stopped right inside the door. "What's wrong now?"

Stabler glared at him. "The doctor won't release me until tomorrow. Something about the lining of my stomach."

"Did you throw up some blood on his shift?"

"I might of." Stabler didn't want to remember. "I'm better. I want to get the hell out of here!"

Toby pulled the chair away from the bed and sat down. "Damn. I had the welcome home party all arranged. Beer, cake, and-."

"Beecher! Shut up!" Stabler tried not to gag. He swallowed hard. "I feel fine."

"Right. You look like hell, and I don't think they let anyone go who still has an IV in their arm." Toby stretched his arms over his head. "I guess you could yank it out and stagger out to a cab."

"I'm thinking about doing just that." Stabler knew he sounded about eight years old and was talking like a fool, but he wanted to go home. "How's my cat?"

"You mean my cat, and he's fine. Fat and happy. He misses his favorite pillow." Toby frowned. "I'm kind of upset with myself."

Stabler was caught off-guard by the sudden change of topic. "What?"

"I like Fin. I didn't want to. He's a cop, but I like him. It's kind of embarrassing."

"They'll kick you out of the ex-con union for that." Stabler smiled at him.

Toby blushed. "I know. Don't tell the guys, okay?"

Stabler laughed. He knew better than anyone that Toby had no friends inside the joint. Toby always found a way to make him feel better about crappy situations. Stabler had had plenty of time to think today, and he'd made up his mind about one thing, and he wanted to discuss it now before he fell asleep again.

"Toby, I need you to get my divorce papers and bring them here so I can sign them."

"Here?"

"I want to get them to Angus on Monday." Stabler was certain. It was what Kathy wanted, and he couldn't argue about it any longer. "Can you messenger them to him?"

"Of course." Toby nodded. "I'll bring them when I come back. Are you sure? There are days that I think she still loves you."

Stabler nearly flinched. He reached out his hand, Toby took it, and he pulled him close. "Toby, how could I go back to her after you?"

Toby's eyes widened and his head jerked back. "Easy. Wave goodbye as my taxi pulls away."

Stabler shook his head. "No. You are worth more to me than you know." Those words would have to be enough. He didn't have any others to give him. "Please bring them."

"I will." Toby squeezed Stabler's hand. "So does this mean I get to move in the house?"

Stabler laughed. They'd had that argument ten times, and he always came out the loser. Toby laughed with him. Stabler turned him loose so he could adjust the bed more upright, and he turned on the TV. Toby sat down close, and they didn't talk, but they didn't need words. They'd never needed words.

********

Toby paced until Stabler came down and took over the couch. He would not act like a freak in front of Stabler, so he sat down and tried not to fidget.

"What's wrong with you?"

Toby wasn't completely sure. He felt strung tight, out of control, and one step from losing his mind. "Nothing."

Stabler muted the television. "Go to a meeting."

Toby didn't want to. He was sick of them. Blah blah. He was an alcoholic. Blah blah. It wasn't going to help, not tonight. "No. It's not alcohol."

Stabler gave him a hard look. "Better not be drugs."

Toby got up and went to the kitchen. He loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the cabinets. Getting off heroin made getting dry look so easy. All these years, and he could remember the rush, the feel, the perfect moment of no pain. His brain would never forget. He put some food down for the cat and took a very deep breath. Tomorrow was Friday and he had to make up his mind. Stabler was better. He didn't need constant supervision any longer. Toby could go to the game. He wanted to go, but he was so afraid, and he hated that fear. Getting high would make it all go away.

Stabler's strong arm suddenly wrapped around him. "Tell me."

Toby controlled his flinch of surprise, leaned back into him, and told him the truth. "Angus called me. Harry has a basketball game tomorrow night."

"And he invited you? That's great." Stabler held him close.

"No. I'm not invited, but it's a public place." Toby shut his eyes and tried to feel only Stabler, nothing else. No fear. No pain. Nothing but Stabler's concern. Toby said , "They can't stop me."

"It's a good first step." Stabler kissed Toby's neck. "He didn't have to call you."

"I know." Toby had been over it and over it, and he still didn't know what to do. Angus must have expectations, but what were they? And his children, what would they say? So many questions. He could go or stay, and both choices could hurt. "If Harry lashes out at me, I may do something very stupid."

"You'd never hurt him." Stabler held him a little tighter.

"Not him." Toby quivered. He needed so much right now.

Stabler sighed in Toby's ear. "I'll go with you."

"No. Angus will say things that you will not want to hear." Toby turned around and opened his eyes. He didn't think that was a good idea at all. It would be hard enough. "He already thinks I'm obsessed with you because of Chris."

"He doesn't know you well enough any more. Looking like Chris Keller was not a point in my favor." Stabler rubbed Toby's back. "How about I take you and pick you up."

Toby thought about it. It would keep him from hitting a bar or scoring some smack if Stabler was driving. "Okay. Thanks."

Stabler kissed across Toby's jaw. "Could we?"

Toby suddenly felt the bulge. He nearly laughed. "I'm sort of in the middle of a personal crisis here."

"You don't need to be alone right now." Stabler wasn't giving up, and Toby realized that he didn't mind the idea at all. They hadn't, not since the blowjob in the shower, and it might be very nice. Hell, it would be great.

"You sure you feel up to it?" Toby didn't doubt it, but he wanted to ask.

Stabler raised his eyebrow at him. That was answer enough. Toby leaned his head against the strong chest in front of him. Stabler held him. "When are you moving in the house?"

"Never." Toby might joke about it, but he'd never do it. This was Kathy and Elliot's house. He didn't belong inside it. And anyway, the garage felt right. "Sorry."

"Okay. I'll deal with it my way." Stabler pulled out a pair of cuffs from his back pocket. "Slip these on, will ya?"

Toby flinched in surprise. For him, cuffs weren't fun or toys, and Stabler knew it. Toby slowly shook his head and backed up. "We'll talk later." He took two fast steps, but Stabler was faster. Damn it! Toby struggled as Stabler grabbed him and started for the stairs. "Elliot, take these off!"

Stabler smiled. "Settle down. You wouldn't want to hurt my arm. It's already throbbing. I might pass out from pain. Of course, I'd cuff you somewhere safe first, before I called Benson to give me a hand."

"You fucker." Toby stopped resisting. This was completely not fair. It was even a dirty trick. Stabler pushed him inside the master bedroom and shut the door. Toby didn't like the gleam in Stabler's eyes. "This is dirty pool, Stabler. I'm not going to forget it."

"Good." Stabler shoved him towards the bed. "Tonight, for once, you're sleeping with me. Yes, you're actually sleeping, instead of catching a few quick hours out in the garage and then getting up early to take care of my every need."

"You could have just asked!" Toby tried not to panic. He hated being grabbed and shoved. Hated it.

"It didn't work last night or the night before or the night before or-. Well, you get the idea." Stabler smiled. "Tonight, you're sleeping with me."

"I can't believe a member of the panty police would coerce and abuse someone to get sex!" Toby loved that smile. Being wanted was almost as good as tits, but first he wanted the cuffs gone.

"Abuse? Never. Coerce? Certainly. It's the only way to get you what you need!" Stabler pointed. "Lie down."

Toby sighed. "It's not even eight. Can't we wait until after the news?"

Stabler chuckled . It was a bad sign. He was feeling much better, and he had an agenda tonight. First time that had happened. Maybe it was signing those divorce papers. Toby didn't know, but he was a little bit frightened, and he might come in his jeans.

"Okay. You're right. Turn around." Stabler rotated his finger. Toby could hardly believe it, but he turned, and one of the cuffs came off. He was completely surprised when Stabler clicked it to the spindle on the headboard.

Toby didn't tug it. That would hurt. He sighed. He was screwed. Yeah. He grinned. "What if Benson shows up?"

Stabler smirked and left the room. He left! Toby sat down on the bed and pushed off his shoes. This was one way to keep him from getting high, and he didn't much like it. He should've have kept his vulnerabilities to himself. Slowly, he lay back against the pillows and got comfortable with one arm over his head. It was a nice bed, but it held too many memories of Kathy that he didn't like to compete against. Stabler had to know that.

Toby began to relax his brain as well as his body. He didn't need a hit. He'd go, and at least he'd see his son. See him. Maybe Holly would be there. Just a look would help him get through the next six months. Of course, Angus wouldn't talk to him, so he could do it. He'd go, and it would be fine, and if he repeated it enough, it might come true.

"Okay. The house is locked up, the lights are off, and I told Benson that I was going to bed early because I was tired. I even turned off the phone." Stabler came to him and smiled down at him. "I can see you've relaxed a little."

"I'm chilling." Toby faked a yawn. "I have been getting up early and working all day."

"Oh yeah. I told Karl that you were sick and needed tomorrow off."

"What?" Toby couldn't believe it. "You are not my wife!"

"You were too sick to come to the phone. Shame." Stabler must be high on something. That was the only explanation. "While you're here and listening. I have two other topics I want to discuss. First, I'm doubling your rent, and secondly, I bought this bed new because Kathy took ours."

Toby's brain reeled. He sat up fast and shoved his back against the headboard. "New?"

"Yes. We had a sleigh bed. I hated it. She took it. I like spindles with no footboard. I'm tall. Have you noticed?" Stabler had this shit-eating grin on his face that Toby wanted to smack off. "Double. Okay?"

Toby sniffed. "I thought we were discussing it."

"I need the money. You have it." Stabler was serious. He was. Toby would give it to him, of course. He'd give him any amount.

"How much do you need?" Toby grabbed Stabler's forearm and held it tight. "How much?"

Stabler just smiled. "Double. It's still reasonable for the neighborhood."

"You could triple it, and I wouldn't complain." Toby had thought it was too low to begin with - pity rent - and he'd hated the idea. The one thing he had was money.

"Okay. Triple." Stabler moved away and gingerly pulled off his wife-beater. Toby watched him closely. Stabler still hurt, but he was doing much better. He'd probably go back to work on Monday. Toby caught a fast breath when the sweats and underwear hit the floor. He remembered why he was cuffed to the bed. Stabler eased down next to him. "Each of us has a bad arm."

Toby rattled the cuff. Sleeping all night with Stabler wasn't an option, but this situation was going to require finesse. He sure as hell wasn’t going to tell the truth. "I won't leave."

Stabler narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe you. You lie. You don't mean to, but your Harvard brain gets to thinking and all the sudden you're worried that you ain't good enough to shine my shoes, and you're gone and my back is cold."

"That's the most words I've ever heard you put in a sentence." Toby was stunned. It was all true, but how did Stabler know? "I don't mean to lie."

"I know. I'm sure it's some sort of mental defect." Stabler was being an asshole now. "So the cuffs stay. One night won't kill you."

"Fuck." Toby felt his cock go limp. Being desired was one thing, but being railroaded was another. All night? It could be disastrous. There was a good reason he never spent the night, but Stabler didn't need to know. Toby tried to look pitiful. "I never got used to wearing cuffs. I don't think Chris even noticed them."

Stabler kissed him under the arm. "Keller was a career criminal. You aren't. I've been cuffed and stuffed a few times. Ain't fun."

"You? I'm shocked." Toby was. This conversation wasn't going where he wanted, and now he was curious. "It must have been a mistake."

"The FBI didn't think so." Stabler adjusted his body and kissed Toby again. "I was held in contempt of court once, too."

"Now that doesn't surprise me." Toby enjoyed the kissing. He began to hope they'd get with it, and the cuffs would come off. "Any other times?"

"I was undercover once and this dirty cop cuffed me, threw me in the back of his car, dragged me out, and beat me."

"Wow." Toby was glad he'd decided against being a cop. Being a crappy lawyer had been much safer. "I bet you were pissed."

"I wasn't real happy, and killing him cost me my badge for a few days." Stabler slid his hand Toby's shirt. "He pointed his gun at me."

Toby had no idea what to say. He knew Stabler well enough to know that the whole experience had been terrible. "Elliot, take the cuffs off, please."

Stabler reached up and released him. Toby grabbed them before they hit the floor behind the bed and tossed them towards the door. Stabler sighed. "I know I'm not much, but could you stay, just once?"

Toby pulled his shirt off and threw it. He was going to stay. He might regret it, but that was later. "You're everything, and no one is getting me out of this bed tonight."

Stabler laughed . "I knew the cuffs would work."

********

"Fuck!"

Stabler bolted awake and hit him again.

"Motherfuck!" Toby grabbed a pillow and hid behind it. "No more please. I'll talk!"

Stabler tried not to laugh. He carefully moved away, making sure not to hit him again. "You okay?"

"My face is broken, but I'm fine." Toby peeked from behind the pillow. "I’m not sleeping with you again!"

"You might have a point." Stabler smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

Toby rolled off the bed and padded to the bathroom. Stabler didn't see any blood so he wasn't worried. Toby groaned. "I knew this was a bad idea."

Stabler leaned back against the headboard. He felt pretty good today. "It was fine, right up until you banged your face on me."

Toby came back to the bed and pointed at him. "Me?"

Stabler grabbed for him, but Toby was gone out the door. Damn. Toby would get dressed and make coffee. Stabler rubbed his morning problem and sighed. He should've cuffed him. The cat jumped up on the bed, and Stabler stroked him. "Is it so wrong to want to get laid in the morning?"

The cat had no answer for that. He flopped down and rolled to his back. Stabler was in no rush to get up. Another day of lying around, wishing he could do something besides ache. He curled around the cat and shut his eyes for a few more minutes.

"That's just wrong," Toby said.

Stabler opened his eyes and stretched. "If you're done being mad, come here and rub my back."

"I liked you a lot better before you were an invalid." Toby sat down on the bed next to him though. Stabler tried to roll to his stomach, but Toby stopped him. "Let me rub your front."

Stabler stretched out and waited. Toby lightly skipped his fingers over Stabler's ribs and began to rub. It felt strange, not tickling, but close. Stabler tried not to squirm. "Coffee?"

"Later." Toby moved his hands lower.

Stabler shut his eyes and tried to relax. Everything was fine, and he felt pretty good. Toby's tongue joined his hands, and Stabler reached down so he could run his fingers through Toby's hair. Toby kissed him on the hip, and Stabler twirled a curl around his finger.

And the doorbell rang. Stabler groaned. "Shit."

Toby pulled away, but slowly. "Never enough time." He strolled out the door. Stabler got his feet on the floor and set about finding some clothes. He knew who was here, and he'd have to talk to him.

********

"Stabler here?"

Toby knew a general contractor when he saw one, but he also thought he recognized this guy from the pizza party. "He'll be down. Want some coffee?"

"I never turn it down. Steve Ortalini." Steve stuck out his hand.

"Toby Beecher." Toby shook the offered hand and shut the door. He poured him a cup of coffee. "Aren't you a cop?"

"Yep. Homicide." Steve nodded. "You work over at Victim's Services, right?"

Toby nodded. Stabler grumbled his way through the door, and Toby knew it was time to make an exit. "Later." And he beat it out to his room. Normally, he'd be at work by now, but Stabler had called him in sick. "Shit." Stabler needed to mind his own business. Toby rubbed his crotch and considered jacking off. He wouldn'thave a chance for the rest of day and tonight. Toby swallowed hard. He was going, and he was going to play it cool. He'd pretend that it was no big deal, and he didn't care that Angus hated him. He leaned his head into his hands and wished it were true.

"Hey Beecher! Is it okay if I come up?"

"Sure." Toby went over to the stairs. "You mind if I ask why, Steve?"

"I don't mind." Steve walked around, made some notes, and took measurements. "Looks good. Thanks." And he went back downstairs. Toby had that itchy feeling that meant he was in trouble. He waited until he heard the van leave before hunting up Stabler. "Elliot, what the hell is going on?"

"What?" Stabler sipped his coffee, adjusted his arm in his sling, and smiled at him.

"Just spill it." Toby poured himself a cup and sat down across from Stabler.

"Steve's a good guy. He was my old partner's partner before I was his partner."

Toby didn't even try to figure that out. "There are easier ways to kick a man out!"

Stabler grinned at him. "When's the game?"

"Seven." Toby wanted to pace and maybe throw things. "I should be at work!"

"I get the feeling you don't want to spend the day with me. I think my feelings are hurt."

Toby glared and drank some coffee. Choking the shit out of Stabler was a bad idea, but it had some appeal. "It's ten o'clock in the morning. What the hell do you suggest we do all day?"

Stabler gave him a long, slow smile. Toby knew what that meant. He hadn't seen it very often over these last months, but he recognized it instantly. "Again?"

"Once I go back to work, I'll go without for weeks at a time."

"Whose fault is that?" Toby slicked his hair back. "Fine. Let's fuck like convicts with a conjugal all day."

Stabler laughed. "When are you getting a haircut?"

"Do I need one?" Toby smirked. "Just because mine is longer than a half inch doesn't mean it's too long." 

"Your kids might not recognize you." Stabler was serious now.

Toby hadn't thought of that. He'd always cleaned up before seeing Holly at Oz. He slid his fingers through his hair again. He liked it long. It was silly, but true. "I'm not going to pretend, and I doubt I'll get to talk to them."

"Just thought I'd ask, since we have the day off." Stabler drained his coffee mug. He probably thought Toby looked like a hippie or a junkie.

Toby slid out of the chair, rinsed his coffee cup, and headed for the garage. For some reason, he needed to be in a smaller area. He knew it wasn't normal. Scooping up the cat, he made himself comfortable on his bed and tried to talk himself into a calm state again. If he were being honest, he'd admit that he needed some sort of chemical high, but he couldn't do that. Admitting it was one step closer to getting it, and he didn't need it. No. Would he spend the rest of his life wanting tits? Sister Pete would say yes, and she'd be right.

"Hey, I'm sorry if I'm pushing you too hard today." Stabler was at the top of the stairs.

"It's okay. The stress is bringing out a host of behaviors that I'd rather gloss over." Toby didn't get up. His cat was comfortable. "Remember that bone clenching moment when Kathy walked out and you realized that you couldn't see your kids any time you liked any more?"

Stabler came all the way inside the small space and sat down on Toby's old trunk. "Yeah, I thought I might puke."

"But you knew you'd see them." Toby licked his lips. "I always knew I'd gotten what I deserved, but the hell of it was that my kids hadn't earned any of that, and they got it too."

"They were victims of your crime also, and no amount of punishment can fix that." Stabler leaned forward slightly. "You have to try to give them some peace."

"How is that possible?" Toby didn't understand how he could. "Am I better off dead? If they buried me, would they have closure on all this?"

Stabler didn't answer for a moment. "You have to find out what they need and do that. Holly remembers you as her father. Beyond her anger she may feel responsible. You have to address that."

"And Harry? How do I fix that?" Toby didn't think any of this was possible. "I honestly don't think Angus will ever let me in their life."

"I don't have the answers, but neither do you. You have to talk to them and listen. I think Angus will come around eventually. You're all the family he has left."

"Poor guy." Toby brushed his hand down his cat's long body. "Okay. I'll bite. Why was Steve here?"

Stabler chuckled. "You never quit. I'm having the house renovated. That's why your rent is going up. I was informed that this arrangement isn't code, and I could be fined, so I'm fixing it."

Toby looked around. "But I like it."

"It sucks, and you know it. I thought you'd basically live in the house. How was I supposed to know you'd hide out here for days at a time?" Stabler got up and stretched. He crawled on the bed and made room for himself and his cast. Since it was a small bed, Toby was thoroughly squished.

"Meow!"

"No shit, cat." Toby wiggled until he was comfortable. Everything skipped around inside him, and he brought up an old subject that he hoped some day to lay to rest. "Elliot, was Chris your long, lost brother?"

"Maybe. My dad wasn't exactly faithful." Stabler kissed the back of Toby's neck. "I know it bugs you."

"It does, but you're not him. Not at all." Toby wasn't sleepy, but he was pinned down, and Stabler seemed to be nodding off. "Put a six by nine in the corner, will ya?"

"Why? You carry one in your heart."

Toby blew a raspberry at that ridiculous statement. It was not true, not much and not every day. Stabler gently bit him on the neck, and tingles raced down Toby's body. "You're going to hit me with your cast again, aren't you?"

"I might." Stabler licked the spot he'd bit. "Your stress levels are making me horny."

Toby sighed. "You are definitely ready to go back to work."

"That's what I'm thinking." Stabler lifted Toby's shirt and ran his hand over and up. Toby stopped protesting and started participating, carefully. That cast was a pain in the ass.

********

Stabler turned off the car and waited for Toby to get out. Toby didn't. Stabler wondered if he'd be sitting here all night. He didn't pretend to understand all the feelings that had to be running around inside Toby's brain right now. Finally, Stabler pocketed the keys. He loved basketball, and he hadn't been to a game in forever. Pushing open the door, he was careful not to bang his cast.

"Where did you think you're going?" Toby got out and slammed the door.

"Since you're not going inside, I figured I would. I love basketball, and I can get popcorn." Stabler hit the lock button. Now at least, Toby couldn't get back inside the car. He just needed a shove in the right direction. Stabler started moving for the entrance. It was cold. A coat was a problem with his cast, and he'd left it in the car. He was going to have to buy a few new sweatshirts to make up for the ones he'd cut up.

Toby caught up with him. "I don't want you here!"

"Too bad. I can smell the popcorn now." Stabler didn't slow down. He bought a ticket and headed straight for the concession stand. Toby looked pissed, but he stayed with him. Stabler went in the side door and didn't look for Angus. That would be a mistake. No, he found a good spot about halfway up and sat down. Toby looked somewhere between full-blown panic and passing out. Poor guy.

"We're discussing this later."

"Whatever." Stabler cradled the popcorn with his cast and started eating. When the players came out, he'd have known that was Toby's boy anywhere. Harry had that same ‘I'm-lost-and-I-know-it’ quality about him, and the same face, but the hair was very dark, probably Toby's wife. Stabler didn't scan the crowd. He honestly didn't want to speak to Angus.

"Shit," Toby whispered.

"Yep. He's a starter. Good for him." Stabler gave Toby a good look. "If you're gonna puke, go to the restroom."

Toby swallowed and gave him a look that could kill. "I really don't like you."

Stabler smiled. He wasn't worried, not after a day spent basically in bed.

"Angus has a look on his face like he just ate poison." Toby looked at his shoes.

"Watch your son, you idiot." Stabler didn't take his eyes off the game. "He's a forward, and he's got good hands."

Toby took a handful of popcorn. "I'm clueless. Don't they just run up and down and try to throw it through the hoop?"

Stabler sighed. Harvard could damage a man. He looked around. No one was too close, and he started explaining while watching. He knew Toby was listening, and he also knew that Toby would remember everything.

"So, that's a zone defense?" Toby pointed.

Stabler smiled. He had him. "Yes, in this age group, it's easier, but they may play man-to-man, which I'm sure you understand."

The coach called a timeout, and Stabler looked at Toby again. Toby wasn't going to puke now. He did look worried, but for him, it was normal. Stabler looked down at the players and saw Harry looking right at them. How did he know? Harry seemed to shake himself and get back in the huddle.

Toby groaned. "I shouldn't have come."

"Give it a rest." Stabler stared down at his empty bag of popcorn and was thirsty. "I'll be right back."

"You better." Toby brushed his hand through his hair, which he did when he was about ready to come unglued.

Stabler headed down the steps. First, he wanted to piss, and then he'd get something to drink. It was a good thing he'd come, Toby wasn't coping very well.

"Detective Stabler?"

Stabler had to turn around, and he spotted Angus immediately. "I'm going to the john."

Angus obviously didn't care. He moved quickly to intercept him. "Are you aware that Toby is a homosexual?"

Stabler frowned. "Lower your voice." He pushed open the bathroom door and prayed Angus would stay out. No such luck. "What's your problem, Angus?"

"Aren't you worried about your reputation if you're seen with him?" Angus looked angry. It didn't make a lot of sense.

Stabler took care of his business at the urinal and washed his hand before even looking at him again. "I've never asked him which was he swings." That was the truth.

"He’s gay!"

"Are you gay-bashing your brother for some reason? Do you want him beat up?" Stabler didn't understand this at all. "Anyway, I saw him with a woman three weeks ago." Another truth. Toby had gone out with a woman from work, and they hadn't discussed it, at all.

Angus put his hands on his hips. "You're a cop. I'm just concerned that you'll be labeled."

"Bullshit." Stabler yanked open the door and went out with Angus right behind him. "If he is, which I'm staying out of, are you worried it'll rub off?"

"I'm concerned for the children's welfare," Angus said with all the surety of someone who is convincing himself and no one else.

"Kids are more tolerant today than we were. My girls don't think anything of it." Stabler had noticed it. "I think you're pissed, for some reason, which I don't want to know." He put up his hand. "I'm going back to the game."

"Why the hell did you come?" Angus snarled.

Stabler knew where this was going in about ten seconds. "I like basketball. A lot of my heterosexual and homosexual friends do. Later." And he walked away to get his soda and get back inside. Angus hadn't seemed like a prick when he was handling Stabler's divorce. This thing with Toby was pushing him to a bad place. Toby and Angus should probably yell at each other, but it wasn't any of Stabler's business. No sir. He was staying out of it. Going back up the steps, he nearly groaned at the sight of Toby's pensive face. Staying out of it. Right. Damn.

********

Toby was relieved when Stabler made his way up the steps. He felt safer with him close by. Damn. He was a pussy. Stabler handed him the soda and sat down. "I don't want to alarm you, but your brother is on the warpath."

"I saw him leave after you." Toby took a drink. His mouth felt like it was full of cotton, and if they rang that horn one more time, he was going to pass out. He had finally spotted Holly. She was with a group of girls at the end of the bleachers. She was beautiful. God. It was hard to believe that she was his. Well, she wasn't, but she was half of him, whether she remembered or not. "Holly is the blonde at the bottom of the bleachers in a pink sweatshirt."

"She's cute. Is she smart?"

"Of course." Toby drank some more and handed it back. "You're messing with me, right?"

"Right. It's always a relief when our daughters look like their mothers, not us."

Toby smiled. He had to. "She has my hair, but her mother's good looks."

"Like I said." Stabler pushed the drink back at him and adjusted his sling. "Damn thing," he muttered.

"Hurts?"

"Not as bad." Stabler seemed to give up trying. "Okay, back to the game."

Toby listened to him. The game could be as simple or as complex as the coach made it. Harry's team played a man-to-man defense, but the other team ran a zone. Toby had no idea why. The offensive plays were a mystery to everyone but the coach and the players. The boy bouncing the ball would hold up a finger or two or three, and the other boys would shuffle around. He wasn't always sure the boys knew what they were doing. Harry did though. He was focused, and he handled the ball well, and when he scored a basket, Toby cheered. It was almost embarrassing.

"I knew you'd like the game," Stabler gloated.

Toby sat back down. "Does Dickie play?"

"Not yet, but I can take you to a soccer game." Stabler didn't take his eyes off the ball. "Will I have to explain it too?"

"Yes." Toby checked the scoreboard. It was almost the end of the second quarter. "How long does this go on?"

"How could you grow up in New York and be so ignorant?" Stabler gave him a sad look.

"This is Connecticut, which is where I grew up. Did you notice when we crossed the state line?" Toby couldn't believe that shit. It had taken them an hour to get here.

"That's right. I forgot." Stabler was such a smartass. "Four quarters, unless there's overtime."

Toby was glad. He wanted to watch his son for as long as possible.

"Why did you move to New York?"

"I had nowhere to go, and the halfway house was available." Toby could have used his considerable pile of money, but he hadn't cared one damn bit, not after the letter from Angus that he'd received right before his release. "Connecticut isn't known for its prisoner outreach programs."

"I've heard that. Oz is in New York anyway." Stabler shot him a look. "Sooner or later, you're going to have to get a driver's license."

Toby watched the game instead of answering that. He'd think of something else because after having the same nightmare for a dozen years, the thought of driving made him queasy. "What are they doing now?"

"That's a full court press, designed to force turnovers." Stabler pointed and yelled, "Go, Harry!"

Toby didn't understand it, but apparently Harry had stolen the ball and was going for the basket, scoring on an easy lay up. Wow. His son was good. "You can do that?"

"Of course!" Stabler smiled. "I hope Dickie is that good some day."

Toby stared in wonder at his boy. Good at basketball. Amazing. Was he in the Math Club too?

"Dad?"

Toby forgot how to breathe. Stabler gave him a nudge. Toby swallowed hard and managed, "Hi, Holly."

Stabler got up. "I'll be back." And he was gone. Holly stared at him for a long moment and then sat down next to him. Toby had no idea what to say. She was so beautiful, and he had missed her so much.

Her eyes were big. "It's really you?"

"Yeah." Toby edged closer so he could smell her, but he was too scared to hug her. "I'm sorry." It was all he could force from his throat.

"How long have you been out?"

Toby instantly wanted to strangle Angus. Kill him. "Six months."

She ducked her head away from him. "Why didn't you come see me?"

Toby saw so much hurt in her, and he'd put it all there. "I wanted to."

He saw her look over at Angus. "Angus told you to stay away. I know he did. He wouldn't take me to see you. I would ask. I'm sorry, Dad."

"This is not your fault. It's mine." Toby wanted to cry, and he was afraid that he would. "I am so sorry."

Holly sniffed and looked away. "Harry's pretty good, huh?"

"He does seem good." Toby saw Angus start to move. This was not the place for a confrontation that might end up with him on the floor with a bloody nose. "Holly, I will always love you. I'm sorry I screwed up so many times."

"We all fuck up occasionally." Holly flashed him a grin. "Gotta go." And she dashed off to be with her friends. Toby stared after her. She had no business cursing, and that grin was unrepentant.

"I said come to th game, not cause a family crisis!" Angus was loud and standing in the aisle.

Toby stood and headed down. He didn't much care if Angus followed him. Angus did though, and Toby stopped in the doorway where he could still see the game, but there weren't so many people around. "What was I supposed to do? Wear a disguise?"

"Slink in and slink out! Like usual!" Angus looked psychotic. "I never should have called!"

Stabler was suddenly there. "Angus, settle down or I'm calling security."

Toby shook his head. "I don't care if he hits me. You told me that they knew, and they didn't want to see me."

"They don't care about you. I'm their father. Me!"

Toby lowered his head. He felt like his heart had been ripped out and thrown through the hoop. "I wonder what Dad would say about this."

"If it weren't for you, we'd know." Angus stood up very straight. "Don't drag your shit back into their lives. They're clean."

Toby leaned against the wall, focused on the game, and refused to answer his brother. A horn blared, and Toby flinched but managed to stay conscious. For him, it meant lockdown or lights out, but it was only the last quarter. Harry looked right at him. No smile, but not a frown either.

"Come away, Angus. We have to live here." It was Angus's wife. She was right, and Angus left, furious.

Stabler took a step closer. "It was good to talk to Holly, huh?"

"You have no idea. I finally feel free." Toby smiled. The words still tingled inside him, and he'd keep them close. Holly didn't hate him. She might be angry, but there was no hate there. "Thanks for coming with me."

"I love basketball." Stabler smiled. "Of course, Connecticut basketball isn't as good as New York, but-."

"Oh, shut up," Toby growled. He winced again when they rang the horn for what he prayed was the last time. "Should I leave?"

"Hell no. Five point spread." Stabler started back for their seats. Toby followed along. This was probably a bad idea, but he had everything to gain, and nothing really to lose. Even if Harry cursed at him, it would be words.

Halfway through the last quarter, Holly bounced over and sat down fast. "Who's your friend?"

"This is Detective Elliot Stabler. He works for NYPD." Toby smiled. "Elliot, Holly Beecher."

"Nice to meet you," Stabler said. "You shoot hoops?"

"No. Soccer." She smiled at him. "My friends think you're cute. Did you get shot?"

"Yes, he did," Toby said, "and he's old, Holly. Really old."

"But cute." Holly giggled. "Did some Mob guy shoot you?"

Stabler gave her a crooked grin. "No."

Toby was glad that Stabler spared her the truth. "Holly, aren't you angry at me?" It seemed important to ask since it might be weeks before he saw her again.

"I was." Holly frowned. "And I guess I still am, but I love you and isn't that more important than yelling?"

"Wow, she's smart." Stabler laughed. "You, not so much."

"Thanks, asshole." Toby blushed when he realized that he'd cursed. "Sorry, Holly."

Holly laughed. "You two are cute together. I gotta run. Give me your cell."

Toby pulled it out, and they exchanged numbers. "Holly, call me any time."

"I will." She planted a quick kiss on Toby's cheek. "Bye, Dad. Love ya."

"I love you, baby." Toby watched her leave. She’d called him dad, and it made him nearly giddy. He tried to watch the game. "Cute together?"

"I'm over here puking." Stabler scooted farther away. "The good news is that Harry's team has got it in the bag."

Toby glanced at the scoreboard. "Ten points is enough?"

"Should be." Stabler leaned close and whispered, "Does Angus have full custody?"

"Yes, and I have no visitation rights," Toby said as quietly as possible and still be heard in this madhouse. "I can't get around him."

Stabler moved away again. The game ended, they cheered with the crowd, and everyone started to leave. Toby hesitated. He didn't want it to end. Stabler gave him a tug, and they went down to the court. Harry and his team were long gone to the locker room.

"Good game," Stabler said.

"I liked the part when Harry put it through the hoop." Toby stopped and put one foot on the court. "Did you play?"

"Of course. Look at me." Stabler pulled him away. "No street shoes on the wooden floor. Come on."

Toby went with him, but regretfully. The lobby was full of people, and he saw the pep club was selling shirts. He got Stabler's attention and walked that way. Pulling out his wallet, he bought one. Stabler just smiled at him.

"Hey, it's a shirt."

"And you're not proud." Stabler winked.

"Proud? I'm astonished." Toby tucked the shirt in his coat pocket. His son was good at basketball. It was a miracle, and Harry was his son, not Angus's, damn it.

"Toby!"

Toby turned around. His heart came to a complete stop, and he could hear the blood pooling in his brain. "Harry, you're really good."

"You're out. I can't believe it!" Harry didn't look angry. He looked stunned. "Are you on parole?"

"No. I did my time." Toby wished his children didn't know about things like parole and visitation days. "I'm sorry, Harry."

"Hey, I have the coolest dad in school. No one else's father was in prison." Harry stared at his tennis shoes and shuffled his feet. "Angus is pissed at you."

"I know he's angry, and being in prison isn't cool." Toby wanted to touch him, and he stepped closer. "I know you've been angry, and I'm sorry."

Harry just looked at him, and then came close enough to speak quietly. "Toby, I never knew you. You were just a picture. I've missed having a mom and dad, but I'm lucky to have had everything else a kid could want."

"You haven't been unhappy?" Toby prayed it was true.

"Not more than any other kid." Harry smiled. "Did you see my lay up?"

"It was great." Toby smiled and brushed his hair back. He still couldn't quite believe that he was actually speaking with his son. "Are you in the Math Club?"

"No. Physics Club." Harry laughed. "I gotta go change. Will you come to the next game?"

Toby nodded. Nothing would keep him from it. "I'll be there."

Harry trotted off with a wave. Toby tried hard to contain the joy, but he was afraid it was all over his face.

Angus took him by the arm and pulled him around. "They're not yours."

Toby pressed his lips together. He didn't want to ruin this moment with harsh words thrown at his brother, who had done him the greatest favor ever by raising his kids.

Stabler edged between them, pushing Angus's hand away. "Angus, you can't hurt Toby any more than you have."

Angus flinched back. "He hurt us."

"There was plenty to go around. Six years without a visit? While you got to love his kids?" Stabler gave him that flash of a smile that Toby knew was false. "Tonight does nothing to hurt you, but he's going home alone."

Toby couldn't talk. Words failed him. He had to walk away, and he didn't stop until he was at the car. Breathing hard, he leaned over and told himself not to puke. It had gone well, and he felt like this? Damn. The next game had to be easier. Angus would be less angry, maybe. It was possible. Stabler had stood up for him and even defended him. Yes, tonight was something to remember.

"You okay?"

Toby leaned up and shoved his hair back. "Yeah. Did he hit you?"

"Not a chance." Stabler unlocked the door and got in. He turned on the heat and shivered a little. "It ain't cold, but it ain't warm."

Toby put on his seat belt and tried to relax. He'd made it. It was over. He could think about what it all meant, but he didn't have to talk about it. Stabler fussed with his seat belt until Toby leaned over and made sure it was okay.

"Hey Toby, you mind me asking why Angus blames you for your father's death?"

"I mind, but I'll tell you." Toby pulled the T-shirt out of his coat pocket and stared at it. He didn't want to wear it. He wanted to frame it. "Dad was killed at Oz. Schillinger had this prag, Winthrop, and he wanted to quit. So, Schillinger told him okay, but you have to kill Beecher's dad. Winthrop shanked my dad in a deserted hallway. The CO that usually stood guard there wasn't around."

Stabler got the car pointed back towards New York. "I'm not sure I understand, but Schillinger ordered it done?"

"Yes. It was the price Winthrop had to pay to stop being a prag." Toby rubbed his face. Even talking about this couldn't brush away his joy at talking to his children. Holly looked so good, and physics? Wow.

Stabler was quiet for a moment. "What happened to Winthrop?"

"My dad got Chris off death row, with a little help from me." Toby shrugged. "First day back in Gen Pop, Chris broke Winthrop's neck."

"And all the CO's at Oz sit around stoned? Why doesn't anyone ever do anything?"

Toby nearly smiled. "That's what I thought at first, and then I learned the truth. No one gives a damn. We're convicts, numbers, and if we die, well, it frees up a bunk for some other poor fucker."

Stabler made a huffy noise. It probably did offend the justice thing he had going, but Toby had seen his kids, and nothing could diminish that. Holly had wanted to see him. She still loved him, and Harry didn't hate him. It didn't make any sense, but it had seemed to be true. Angus had been lying, or if not lying, not telling all the truth. Toby knew he should be furious about it, and some part of him was, but tonight, he couldn't feel it.

"You defended me." It was one of many amazing things this evening.

"I did. Angus is being a pompous asshole." Stabler glanced over at him. "Your biggest mistake was trusting someone you loved."

"No that was just my latest biggest mistake." Toby leaned back and sighed. He'd worry tomorrow. Right now, he just wanted to feel good about his kids.

********

Stabler sighed. Damn.

"Elliot, have you gone for your walk today?" Toby raised his eyes from his book and frowned at him. "Because if you sigh one more time, I'm finding your gun and putting another bullet in you."

Stabler got to his feet. "I'm getting my cuffs."

"I hid them." Toby grinned. It was obnoxious. Stabler found his jacket, put it on the best he could, and made sure to slam the door behind him. He'd go to work, but Cragen would yell at him. Tomorrow would have to be soon enough, and he was sure it would be a half day at his desk. Until he got his gun and badge back, he was stuck being bored.

Toby walked up beside him. "Hey, I have an idea. I'm going to work for a few hours. Want to come along?"

Stabler shot him a quick look. "Why?"

"Since I got fired, I'm completely disorganized." Toby shrugged. "And there's always mail to sort."

"Better than watching Steve tear out walls." Stabler controlled another sigh. "Will Lauren be there?"

Toby didn't answer until he'd called for a cab. Stabler could have driven, but a cab was fine. Toby gave him a funny look. "Lauren, the lady from work that I took out?"

"That's her." Stabler was curious. He wanted to know. "You like her?"

"You sure did wait awhile to ask!" Toby laughed at him. "She needed a safe date for a wedding. I think she's gay."

"Are you serious?" Stabler wasn't sure what he'd expected, but that wasn't it.

"Yes." Toby nodded. "There's our cab." He stepped off the curb and opened the door. "Sweet to know you were jealous."

Stabler pushed him inside, sat down carefully, and shut the door. He waited until Toby had given directions before saying, "Right. It was the conversation with your brother that got me to thinking about it."

"He said that I made you look bad, right?" Toby rolled his eyes.

Stabler wasn't sure he wanted to answer that straight on. "He does seem to have issues."

"Think of it from his point of view. He finds out his brother has taken a lover in prison. Oh, and the guy's a murderer. Let's say my credibility was pretty much shot after that."

Stabler saw the cabbie check the mirror. "What did he think about Schillinger?"

Toby slumped in the seat. "Let's discuss this later when the cabbie isn't taking notes for his novel."

Stabler agreed, but he still wondered. Toby paid the cabbie, and they went inside Victim's Services. Stabler stopped to chat with everyone he knew. He was in no rush to sort mail or watch Toby fuss with files.

*********

Toby sat down and surveyed his mess. He'd spent more time taking care of Stabler than working, and he was behind. Once Stabler got back at it, Toby would too. Toby could dimly hear Stabler making nice with everyone on this floor. He'd have to fight his way through the women to get here, and it was Sunday. On a Monday, he wouldn't have made it all. Toby pushed his hair back, took a deep breath, and focused on just organizing everything.

"This isn't your cubicle!" Stabler leaned against the doorway. "I'd have been here sooner, but I went the wrong way."

"They'd already given it away, so I moved in here." Toby leaned and stretched his back.

"What was this?"

"Storage closet." Toby shrugged. "Like I give a damn. The lack of windows is refreshing."

"I worry about you." Stabler shook his head. "Need help?"

"I was given twenty new cases." Toby pointed at a stack. "Can you put them in order by the date of when they contacted us?"

"Sure." Stabler moved inside the small room. He picked them up and sat down in the small chair next to Toby's desk. "Is this six by nine?"

"Yes." Toby sat down and began to go through another stack. "Home sweet home."

"When you see your therapist next, mention this, will ya?"

"If you insist." Toby laughed . He agreed that it wasn't normal, but he did feel comfortable in here. "I am so behind."

"This does seem like a lot." Stabler was working.

"I usually have forty to fifty cases at any one time." Toby put that stack aside and reached for the last one. If he could review these he'd be one step from being in the game. "Getting all my clients back was fucked up."

"Translation?"

"Let's say that I knew who my clients were, but no one knew who had them." Toby shot him a quick grin. "One of these days I'll stop saying fuck."

"I doubt it." Stabler wasn't quitting.

Toby opened the first file and started reading. He didn't look up until he was five files deep, and Stabler set a soda down next to him. "Thanks."

"How many more?"

"Ten and I'll head home. You going?" Toby rubbed his eyes and sat up straighter. He wasn't quitting until he was done.

Stabler took the chair again. "Toby, doesn't Angus feel badly about the abuse you suffered in prison?"

"I honestly don't know. We all ignored it." Toby didn't understand why this was important. "I moved past it into anger and hatred."

Stabler chewed his lower lip. He looked down at the floor and back up. "Petition for visitation rights."

Toby drew his head back in astonishment. "Have you noticed that my brother is an actual lawyer? He'll cut me to shreds. The courts would probably order me to leave the country."

"It's been years since you were drunk or high. You have a good job, money, and live with a police detective." Stabler smiled slightly. "You have a chance."

Toby wasn't sure he wanted that shred of hope. "I'll think about it. It's not you that will get hurt."

Stabler nodded. "Okay. Finish. I'll go find something to do."

Toby stood and clasped Stabler's forearm. "I appreciate your support, but I haven't been sober all that long."

"How long?" Stabler's brow furrowed.

"Six years, more or less." Toby rubbed his face. "Not that long."

"Keller." Stabler just sounded sad. "Okay, finish. I want to get out of here before dark."

"Yes, sir." Toby put his mind back in the files. He wasn't going to think about his problems until later, much later, but he would always remember that Stabler didn't condemn him for loving Chris Keller, and that was something of incredible worth. It was also confusing as hell. Everyone else blamed him. Why not Stabler? Toby shut the file and gave up. He was done for the day. Standing, he stretched and grabbed his coat. Tomorrow, he'd move a few things around and make this office less of a storage closet.

Stabler was out near the exit, chatting with a security guard. "Already?"

"You made it impossible to think about work." Toby shrugged. "Let's go. I can tell you're hungry."

"I am." Stabler tugged his coat on, and Toby made sure it was around enough of him. They caught a cab and headed home. Stabler gave him a nudge. "You okay?"

"Yes." Toby rubbed his forehead. "You still bored?"

Stabler laughed . "No. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good."

"That's a relief." Toby stretched his neck back. He had to know that one thing. If he knew, he wouldn't worry so much. He leaned very close to Stabler and whispered in his ear, "Everyone hates me for Chris, why don't you?"

Stabler gave a small grunt. "I'll tell you when we get home."

Toby tried to pay the cabbie but Stabler beat him to it, and they shared a glare. Stabler suddenly switched to a big grin, and Toby had to laugh. There was a note on the door, and they read it together.

_Elliot, I had to move your tenant out. I put it all in Maureen's room. Be back tomorrow. Steve_

Stabler took it down and unlocked the door. "You think he found your stash of dirty magazines?"

"If he did, they're gone." Toby headed for the kitchen to throw some food on the table. Luckily, Kathy had brought over a casserole, so all he had to do was re-heat it. While that was heating, he went upstairs to make sure he knew where his clothes were. He wasn't worried about where he'd be sleeping.

********

Stabler went upstairs to see how construction was coming along. He surveyed the destruction and sighed . This was a real commitment, and he could only hope that Toby wouldn't up and disappear as soon as the addition was finished. It was probably a mistake to turn a four bedroom house into three bedrooms and a small apartment, but he had no intention of selling. This way Toby could be comfortable and still have his own space, which he needed.

"You sure about this?"

"Will you decorate it when it's finished?" Stabler made a broad gesture. If he had to do it, Toby was in trouble.

"If you're sure." Toby swiped his hair back.

"Quit playing with your hair. I'm sure, and you're paying for it. Once Steve is paid off, your rent will drop back to what it was."

Toby shook his head. "No. I know what you pay in child support. Don't argue about it or I'll move out."

"Don't make threats that will hurt if you have to keep them." Stabler wanted to do what was fair, not what would make his life easier.

"Hurt?" Toby asked .

"Yes, it will hurt when I bloody your nose for trying to move out!" Stabler got right in Toby's face until he took a step back. "Triple until Steve is paid and then double."

Toby sniffed, seemed to balk, and abruptly shrugged. "Deal, but I will buy the furnishings."

"If you move out, you'll take them." Stabler hoped that never happened.

"Even if I'm eighty." Toby shot him a sly grin, edged past, and went downstairs.  
Stabler didn't rush after him, but he went that direction after a quick stop in the bathroom. Dinner was starting to smell good, and he considered getting a beer, but Toby would deny him his only painkiller of the day. Instead, he grabbed a Coke and sat down at the table. Toby had his back to him at the sink when his cell phone rang. Stabler saw Toby's face light up, and he knew it was Holly. The conversation was short on Toby's end, but he listened. Stabler nearly laughed. Holly was a teenager. She could talk on the phone for hours and say nothing at all.

Stabler was glad to see it. Holly might be able to mend the fence between brothers. He flashed back to the basketball game, and suddenly he understood. Angus was afraid that Toby would petition the courts for custody. Toby might get it. He was their father, and there were a lot of judges that would award it on that basis alone.

Toby finally said goodbye and shut the phone with a smile on his face that Stabler had rarely seen directed at him.

"She's so cool."

Stabler laughed. He got up and set the table for dinner. Toby did the rest, and he ate with a smile on his face. Stabler didn't talk to him. When the food was gone, and the dishwasher loaded, they went out to the TV.

Toby sat down by the cat. "Where am I sleeping tonight?"

Stabler hesitated in turning on the TV. Tomorrow, he'd go back to work part-time, and Toby would work all the time. They'd see each other, but nothing like these past two weeks. Despite the pain and the problems, it had been good to see so much of him. They knew each other better now. Toby gave him a quizzical look.

Stabler put the remote down. "Where'd you put my cuffs?"

"I'll never tell." Toby smirked. He stroked the cat and whispered, "And the cat won't either."

Stabler stood up and stretched. "I'll get my spare set." He started for the stairs. Toby moved fast to block him, and Stabler was glad. Stabler didn't stop until their bodies were hard up against each other. Toby gave a soft groan, and Stabler kissed him. This time, he really kissed him, shoving his tongue hard. He could feel Toby's astonishment, and he wrapped his good hand in Toby's hair to make kissing him easier.

Toby yanked away. "That's not fair!"

Stabler moved past him up the stairs, but kept his hand tight in Toby's hair. "I don't need cuffs."

Toby yelped and stayed with him. "You're pissing me off!"

Stabler loosened his grip, smoothed the hair, and kissed him again. Toby's back hit the wall in the hallway. Stabler grabbed Toby's ass and pulled him close. "Toby, you can leave."

Toby made a soft sound when Stabler thrust his tongue deep again. That was definitely consent. Stabler turned him loose and went to his bedroom. "You coming?"

Toby wiped his mouth and straightened his back. "Tell me why."

Stabler knew what Toby meant. He knew that he had to tell him or Toby would never trust him, not completely. Toby stepped inside the bedroom, and Stabler sat down on the edge of the bed to take his shirt off.

"Come here."

Toby walked to him, but cautiously. When he stood directly in front of him, Stabler tugged him down. Toby knelt, but he looked as if he might run from the room at any moment. "Why aren't you angry about Keller?"

"Keller's dead." Stabler stroked his hand through Toby's hair. He liked it long, but that was his dirty, little secret. "Whatever he did that was wrong, he did one thing right."

"What was that?" Toby cocked his head to the side and licked his lips.

Stabler wanted to kiss him hard again. "He loved you."

"That doesn't make a lot of sense." Toby sighed and leaned his head against Stabler's thigh.

"It does to me. Blaming you for loving him isn't smart. What else did you have? The choices a man makes in prison aren't necessarily the ones he would make on the street. You did your best. Forgive yourself and tell the world to go to hell." Stabler was about finished talking. That was enough words to last a week or two. He smiled. "Got it?"

"Yeah. I think so." Toby scooted forward and kissed Stabler's chest. "Thanks."

"Now get up here so I can kiss you again," Stabler growled and pulled.

Toby didn't resist. "I thought we weren't into that."

"One night won't kill me." Stabler sank into it. He wanted to enjoy every part of Toby's body tonight, maybe twice, definitely twice.

********

Toby wasn't entirely sure how to deal with this aggressive Stabler. Stabler was acting an awful lot like Chris at his very best, and it had never been awful, but it had always been intimidating. His arm must have felt much better because he hadn't even asked for a pain pill. Toby's brain melted down when Stabler thrust his tongue deep and gripped Toby's ass. Oh God.

"You scared?"

"Yeah. A little." Toby laughed nervously. "Is it all over my face?"

"Yep." Stabler started shoving the rest of his clothes off. "You can run."

"What fun would that be?" Toby put his clothes right on top of Stabler's. "I know you won't hurt me."

Stabler smiled and got comfortable on the bed. "Come do all the work."

"What?" Toby didn't hesitate to crawl up Stabler's gorgeous body, licking and kissing all along the way. If this was all that was going to happen, he could handle it. "What happened to the guy in the hallway?"

Stabler took a good hold of Toby's hair and pulled him up for a kiss. Toby liked that. He liked it a lot, but he had a feeling that saying he liked it was a bad idea. Stabler took away Toby's ability to worry about anything, and that made him anxious.

"Hey, Toby." Stabler slipped his hand through Toby's hair. "Can I tell you something?"

Toby drew his head back. He didn't understand this sudden break in the action. His cock wanted to come, and all he needed was a touch or two. "Of course."

"I, uh, bought some condoms." Stabler almost looked embarrassed. "We haven't talked about it."

Toby felt his eyes widen in shock. That was the one thing they hadn't done, and he hadn't thought that Stabler wanted to. It was no big deal. Toby didn't care if they did or not. "I was tested for HIV when I got out. I'm clean."

Stabler let out a whoosh of air. "Thank God. If anything like that happened to you, I'd-." He broke off.

Toby saw the love clearly. Stabler had been worried about him. It felt… so good. "What about you?"

"I don't think I'm at risk." Stabler frowned. Toby didn't think so either. Stabler wasn't the type to fool around with just anyone. "I'll get tested, if you want."

"It's up to you." Toby wasn't going to push that. "I'm sure you understand the mechanics, but do you get the fact that it can hurt?"

Stabler nodded slowly. "If you don't want to, we don't have to, ever."

"Christ, you're easy to love." Toby pushed up and sat back cross-legged on the bed. "I can tell you mean that. How the hell am I supposed to walk away from you some day?"

"That's not a question that I can answer." Stabler put his hand on Toby's thigh. "But you're easy too."

Toby snorted. He was easy to hate. Him and all his screw ups. He had no idea why Stabler liked him and made love to him. It hadn't made any sense from the first time they'd seen each other, and that had been accident, not design.

_"You want to go to lunch with us?" Karl had said. "Some sunlight wouldn't kill you."_

_"It might." Toby tried a small smile. "No thanks. Maybe next time."_

_He would never go with them. He wasn't their kind, not anymore, if he ever had been. Karl seemed like he might argue, but abruptly he walked away. Good. Toby's part of the floor quieted down, and his cubicle felt much more private than it had thirty minutes ago. He took a breath and leaned back. Exhaustion had become his best friend. He'd worked here about a month, but it seemed like years. It had been a shock that they'd hire him, knowing the truth, but apparently his years as a lawyer had turned the tide. He could advise people on pending civil suits as well as try to provide a measure of comfort. The real surprise had been that he was good at it, and he wasn't bragging. He liked this job. It sure as hell was better than sitting around in the hell hole that he called home._

_"Are you Tobias Beecher?"_

_Toby stood before raising his eyes. The synapses in his brain all fired at once, and he dimly felt his body hit the floor. Then nothing. Until._

_"Wake up, buddy." The guy shook him gently._

_Toby shoved at him and scrambled away, not stopping until his back tucked into the corner of his cubicle. "No! It's not possible. You're dead! Oh, fuck." He hid his face in his hands. Tired was one thing, but hallucinating was another._

_"I can see this isn't a good time for you. I can come back later. Do I need to get someone? An ambulance?" The voice - the voice - it was the same!_

_Toby flinched at every word. His vision swam in and out, and his stomach was nothing but a knot. "Please. God. Not him. Send any of them back, but not him."_

_"Okay. That's it. I'm calling an ambulance."_

_Toby raised his head and stared. The truth, he'd learned early while in Oz, was something neither black nor white. He'd learned never to trust, never to love, and keep his hatred close to his heart, and it all had been exploded by Keller. Keller. Toby opened his mouth and forced words out. Nothing. He tried again._

_"Who are you?"_

_"Elliot Stabler, Special Victims Unit Manhattan. I work out of the six-one. I'm sure we haven't met before." He squatted down. "Let me help you up, and I'll get you something to drink."_

_Toby winced away. "Don't touch me for any reason. There's a Coke machine down at the end of the hallway." The guy nodded and went, and Toby stumbled up and sat down hard in his chair. Motherfuck. What the hell had just happened? Was it real? Would he come back? Toby rubbed his face hard and tried to think, but nothing happened. His brain was fried._

_"Here." Keller put it on the desk and backed away. "You okay? I can get a bus."_

_Toby put the cold can against his forehead. "A bus?"_

_"An ambulance." He pulled the lone chair to its farthest point and sat down. "I'm serious now. Fainting away like that ain't normal."_

_Toby shut his eyes and opened them again. Nope. Keller was still there. "Wait. What did you say your name was?"_

_"Elliot Stabler." He pulled a card out of his pocket and tossed it up on the desk. "How about an afternoon CAT scan?"_

_"I'm okay," Toby lied, and he nearly giggled. He had to clamp down. "Am I drunk?"  
"I can't answer that, but I think maybe so." Stabler pointed. "I came by to discuss Andrea Morton's case with you. I saw your name in the file."_

_Toby tried to switch gears, but his transmission had fallen out. He popped the soda can and drank some, hoping it would jump start him. And where the hell were all these car metaphors coming from? He realized belatedly that he was supposed to say something. "Elliot Stabler, huh?"_

_"I can see I'm not going to get far today." Stabler sighed and stood up. "Have you eaten? Maybe your blood sugar has tanked."_

_"Uh, no." Toby pushed his chair back and away. His cubicle seemed tiny. "You a cop?"_

_"Okay. Where's your boss?" Stabler stepped out into the hallway._

_"Karl's at lunch." Toby took one tentative step after him. "I could use a breath of fresh air." Wow, could he. He picked up his coat and sidled out the door, careful not to touch him. He might disappear, not that Toby would care, but it was good to keep his hallucinations right in front where he could see them._

_"How about a hot dog on the corner?" Stabler took two steps and seemed to wait for him._

_"Okay." Toby couldn't think of what else to say. "I know I'm acting insane." He furrowed his brow. He was occasionally insane, but this was more than usual._

_"At least you know it." Stabler walked next to him. Toby kept looking at him. Staring. Really. What the fuck was going on?_

_"You have any brothers?" Toby watched Stabler order two of everything. He took what he was given, and Stabler went to sit down on the steps. Toby followed. Sitting was good, but if he fainted again he'd crack his head open on the marble._

_"Don't bust your head open." Stabler had thought the same thing. Damn odd. "Yes. Three brothers and two sisters."_

_"Catholic." Toby drank his soda. He wasn't sure he could eat. His stomach was in his mouth. Chris had a brother? Not twins. There were differences. Small, but there._

_"Tell me what's going on." Stabler fixed him with a look that let Toby know he was facing a cop that was used to getting answers._

_"I-I-I've been in prison. I got out not long ago." Toby handed him the hot dog. He couldn't put it in his mouth. "My cellmate looked just like you." It was close enough to the truth. "He died, and when I saw you, my brain stopped working. I guess."_

_Stabler's blue eyes turned cold. "Which prison?"  
"Oswald." Toby took another drink. He knew he might have fucked up. Cops loved to screw people over for no good reason. "My boss knows. No lies. Okay?"_

_"If you say so." Stabler ate Toby's hot dog. "You helping people or hurting them?"_

_"I'm trying to help." Toby wanted to reach out and touch him. Just once. A sob worked its way up his throat, and he turned away. Shit. He was a pitiful man. Information suddenly clicked, and his brain began to work. "I don't think Andrea can win her case. The evidence is far too circumstantial, even for civil court."_

_"But she's pushing ahead?"_

_"She's angry. If she'd have skipped the shower, maybe her boss would be behind bars, but it's a he said/she said case, and I don't think she can win." Toby gathered his courage and turned back to look at him, and he was still there._

_Stabler wadded up the paper from the hot dog. "I'll testify. I was there right after."_

_Toby hadn't known that. "Your boss gives you time for civil cases?"_

_"Lately, I've been taking it. Justice is blind and all that crap." Stabler picked up his drink and finished it. "Let's go look it over."_

_"You realize that I'm not her attorney. I can only advise her." Toby wanted to make that clear. He had no real power._

_"Disbarred?"_

_"Yes." Toby drank some more soda. He felt stronger. Stabler was a cop. Nothing but a cop. Chris was still dead. The world wasn't upside down, maybe on its side, but that was okay._

_"But you meet with her attorney?"_

_"I sit second chair." Toby did. Usually. "I like to think of myself as the buffer between our client and the attorney. Frequently, they need one. An advocate, of sorts."_

_"Good enough. You can talk to him when we're through. I hate attorneys." Stabler gave him a grin that was heartbreakingly familiar. "Okay, Mr. Beecher?"_

_Toby got up. His legs held. What a relief. "Okay, Detective Stabler."_

He dropped into the present. Stabler was merely waiting for Toby to tell him what to do. They were both rock hard, and Toby knew what he wanted. He hadn't ever thought to want it again, but he did.

"Are they in the cabinet?"

"Sock drawer." Stabler pointed.

Toby pulled them out and spotted the water-base lubricant. "Wow. You thought this through."

"I've had time." Stabler hovered on the edge of a blush, and Toby kissed him to make up for it. The kiss became another, and Toby stopped worrying.

********

Stabler hesitated before touching him, just like that day when he'd gone back to Victim's Services after they'd met. He'd stood in the doorway and stared for a long moment, wanting to say something, and not knowing why.

_"So what was Oz like?" he asked naively._

_Toby just stared for a minute, and then he shrugged. "Not a nice place. I don't recommend it to anyone, not even the most hardened criminal."_

_"That bad?" Stabler needed to get back to the precinct. He had just stopped in to make sure someone was doing a follow up on their latest case, and his feet had brought him over to Toby's cubicle. It didn't mean anything._

_Toby leaned back in his chair. "Yes. Good place to die, but not much else. You here for a reason?"_

_"No." Stabler felt the brush off but decided to let it slide. "I guess I wanted to see if you'd keel over again."_

_"No such luck. My heart is racing, and my palms are sweating, but I'm able to remain conscious." Toby looked down at the papers on his desk. "Thanks for asking."_

_"Sarcasm. I like it." Stabler grinned. "How'd my doppelganger die?"_

_Toby actually winced and his face went pale. "Fell from a balcony. Broke his neck."_

_"Damn." Stabler was sorry he'd asked. "Your cellmate, huh?"_

_"Over the years, yes." Toby wasn't lying, but it was easy to tell that he was skirting the truth. "He was my lover, and I miss him. Now, beat it, will you?"_

_Stabler had no words at first. He managed to say, "I'm sorry for your loss." It was stupid, but he felt like he'd been kicked in the guts. He left the building quickly before Toby spilled any more devastating information. "Damn." Stabler stopped at the nearest bar and got a long neck. He sipped it slowly and fought against the image of Toby on his knees in front of someone that looked like him. When that picture was gone, another took its place. Them kissing. He drank a little faster. He'd known Toby was depressed, and now he knew why, and he was making it worse. Him and his stupid face. He'd stay away. He would. Toby had enough problems._

_It had only been one week later that he'd heard. "Stabler, head over to Victim's Services and get with someone about this case. We need all the help we can get."_

_"I'd rather not." Stabler didn't even look over his shoulder._

_"Too bad!" Cragen stormed off._

_"You crazy?" Benson asked ._

_"Yes. Yes, I am." Stabler got his coat. He was going. He'd just stay away from Toby. Easy. It was a big building._

_Karl, the manager, looked the file over. "Get with Toby Beecher. He's the best on these cases."_

_"Don't you have someone else?"_

_"You want it now or in six months?" Karl shrugged. He obviously didn't care. "Toby doesn't have a life. The rest of the people here do. Your choice."_

_Stabler went, but he wasn't smiling. "Toby?"_

_Toby whipped around from his file cabinet. "Don't call me that! Or Beech, or anything but Beecher. Okay? And what the hell are you doing back here? Christ! I gotta find work elsewhere."_

_Stabler pulled his head back. He didn't need this shit. "Fine. I won't ask for your help with this case."_

_"Good. Damn it." Toby looked like he wished he had a door to slam. "Fuck," he whispered. "Hand it over. I hate you."_

_Stabler couldn't help but grin. Sarcasm, meanness, and a crappy attitude were all things he understood. "I hear that a lot. I think we'll be good friends."_

_"Not fucking likely." Toby didn't look directly at him. "Sit the fuck down."_

_"Does Karl know you cuss like a sailor?" Stabler couldn't square the cursing with the khakis and polo shirts._

_Toby nodded absentmindedly. "I don't with the clients. You're a cop. The gloves are off."_

_"You never slip up?" Stabler was just picking at him now._

_"Are you going to sit down?" Toby frowned up at him. "This cubicle isn't big enough for you to loom over me like the angel of death."_

_"Ugh." Stabler sat down. He didn't like that visual image at all. "You hate me?"_

_"Pretty much. It's your face. Live with it." Toby smiled meanly at him. "I'll get with him this afternoon and get back to you over at the precinct."_

_"So, you really don't need to talk about it." Stabler furrowed his brow. He was being blown off in a major way._

_"No." Toby picked up the phone._

_"My boss ain't gonna like this." Stabler sighed. He was going to get yelled at by Cragen. "Let's go see him together."_

_"Absolutely not. I'll work with him. Goodbye." Toby dialed. "Out."_

_Stabler threw up his hands and went out of Toby's cubicle. It would have to be good enough. The damndest thing of all was that he liked Toby. Toby was someone different. Someone who had suffered. Someone who could maybe understand. Stabler hunkered down at his desk and waited._

_"Well?" Benson whispered._

_Stabler shrugged and worked on other cases. He would have to take Toby at his word. Three o'clock came, and Stabler had given up._

_"My office!" Cragen pointed at Stabler._

_Stabler groaned, got up, and his cell phone rang. "Hello?"_

_"It's Beecher. Tell me where to meet you, but not in the precinct. He's too nervous."_

_Stabler paused to think about it. "Let me ask the boss. I'll call you back."_

_"Good enough."_

_It had turned out to be simple enough. They'd met at a coffee shop, and he'd gotten a preliminary statement. Toby had worked miracles, and Stabler's ass was out of the line of fire. After the guy had left, Stabler continued to sit, and Toby didn't get up either._

_"Good job."_

_"My job." Toby shrugged. "Anything else?"_

_Stabler wasn't sure. "I look like him?"_

_"No scar on your forehead and you seem a little taller. Do you have a tattoo on your upper arm?" Toby fiddled with the dregs of his coffee._

_"Yes." Stabler regretted telling the truth when Toby's eyes bulged. "Christ on the cross."_

_"I'll be damned. Well, that's a given, but still, motherfuck." Toby moved his chair back. "I am officially freaked out. Call me if you need anything else, but we can hope that won't happen."_

_Stabler watched him stride away, burrowing into his coat as if he were cold. It wasn't cold. It was worry, anxiety, and maybe a touch of fear. Toby not only worked at Victim's Services, he probably needed to be a client. Stabler paid the tab and got moving. He was going to run Toby's sheet and see where they stood._

"Which position would be easiest on your cast?"

Stabler blinked and came back into the now. Toby had pulled slightly away and was waiting for an answer. Stabler looked at him, really looked. "You decide."

Toby nodded. He tore open a condom and put it on Stabler's dick. Stabler had to take a deep breath. He wasn't going to ask any stupid questions, but he wasn't sure he could do this, and it had been his idea.

"No big deal, El."

Stabler pulled him closer and stopped worrying.

********

Toby tried not to gasp when it happened. He failed.

"Stop?"

Toby reached back and put his hand on Stabler's chest. "No." He relaxed and pushed back. Stabler groaned. It was a harsh sound. Toby knew he was thinking too much, but he couldn't seem to stop.

_"You want to go get a beer, Beecher?" Stabler had stuck his head inside Toby's cubicle. "I think we both had a long day on this one."_

_It had been a tough case, but the victim had gotten her day in civil court and won a settlement, with Stabler's help. Toby considered lying to get out of this invitation, but unexpectedly the truth came out of his mouth. "I'm an alcoholic."_

_Stabler shrugged it off. "You could watch me drink."_

_Toby laughed. That wouldn't be any fun at all, but he liked Stabler. He hadn't wanted to, but he did. "Okay. I'll have a Coke and rum, no rum."_

_Stabler smiled and waited until Toby had put things away and picked up his coat. "Cavanaugh's okay?"_

_"Whatever. You driving?" Toby didn't have a license, but he didn't want the world to know it._

_"Yes." Stabler walked beside him, not in front of him. "I make you nervous?"_

_Toby was shocked at both the honesty and the fact that Stabler sensed it. "Yes. You do. He killed without remorse."_

_"Not me. I can't even set a mouse trap." Stabler opened the door, and they were outside. Toby took a deep breath of fresh air. He was still getting used to the idea that he was free. Free. He could do what he wanted. Mostly. Stabler smiled at him. "Nice day."_

_Toby smiled back. "Every day I'm out is a nice day, even if it rains."_

_"I understand that." Stabler unlocked the car doors, and Toby sat down in the passenger seat. Toby wanted to squirm. They were close. The doors were shut. Something bad could happen. He eased in and out another deep breath, but quietly. Stabler gave him a pat on the knee. "Don't worry. I took classes in how to drive."_

_Toby chuckled weakly. Stabler had touched him. The heavy hand had left in a print on Toby's soul. "Shit."_

_"Change your mind? I can take you home. Wherever that is." Stabler eased the car out into traffic._

_"No. I'm just tired. Like you said, long day. We won though." Toby tried to smile. He couldn't. There were no real winners in these cases. She might have more money, but she still had to deal with her rape for the rest of her life. Toby knew the pain all too well._

_"It will help her heal. Knowing she faced him down and won will help her go on with her life." Stabler glanced at him. "You did a good job."_

_Toby wondered how Stabler had known what he was thinking. And good? Him? It was hard to believe, but it felt like it might have a little bit of truth in it. "Couldn't have done it without you. There's something about you that makes people trust you. A woman that's been raped by a big guy should run in fear from the sight of you. It's interesting."_

_Stabler pulled to a stop and put the car in park. "And you want to run too?"_

_"Yeah, me too." Toby couldn't deny it. When he caught sight of Stabler out of the corner of his eye, he wanted to run. His mind screamed the word Keller at him. Stabler got out, and Toby followed after him. They got a booth, and he got a Coke. Keller surprised him by ordering cheeseburgers and fries for them both. Toby wasn't sure he could swallow, but he hadn't eaten all day. "Thanks."_

_"Gotta eat. A brisk New York wind could blow you away."_

_"Right back to Oz," Toby whispered. He looked up, caught Stabler's face, and felt guilty instantly. "Sorry. I'm usually much cheerier."_

_"Why do I have a hard time believing that?" Stabler shrugged his coat off and thanked the waitress for the beer. He took a long drink, and Toby couldn't help but watch. Toby sipped his Coke and told himself that he didn't want it. He didn't. It would only lead him down the road to hell again._

_"Why aren't you home?" Toby knew the detective was married with kids._

_"She left me," Stabler said quickly, as if it would hurt less that way. "She wants a divorce."_

_"Sorry." Toby hesitated to butt in. "Do you have a good lawyer?"_

_"I need one. You available?" Stabler took another drink. He must love beer._

_Toby dug out his wallet and one of his brother's business cards. "No, but my brother will do a good job for you, and he's reasonable."_

_"Yeah, but is he expensive?"_

_They laughed together. Toby nearly flinched when Stabler's fingers touched his and took the business card away._

_"Thanks. Um, is it all right if I call you Toby?"_

_Toby nodded. Everyone called him that. It was no big deal. It meant nothing. Chris was dead! Stabler was sitting in front of him. Elliot Stabler. A detective. A nice guy. Toby drank some more Coke. He could eat now. The evening passed quickly, but Stabler only had one beer. Toby found himself actually talking to another human being, and he couldn't seem to shut up._

_Finally, Stabler grabbed his coat. "Okay. I'll take you home."_

_Toby got up and put on his coat. "No. I'll catch a cab."_

_"Don't argue." Stabler reached for him. "Isn't that too much money?"_

_"The waitress worked hard, and she needs it." Toby had it to burn, and he moved so Stabler couldn't touch him. "Cab. We aren't arguing."_

_Stabler walked out with him. "How do you know she needs it?"_

_Toby shrugged. He watched people. Old habit from prison when one day slid into another and all there was to do was stare at the unlucky fuckers all around him. "She'd just had a baby. I'm sure she can use the cash."_

_Stabler took him by the arm and gave a gentle tug. "How do you know?"_

_Toby wrenched his arm away. "Don't ever!"_

_Stabler backed up and raised his hands. "Sorry. I don't want you to take a cab."_

_Toby managed to push away the bulk of his instant anger. He didn't like being touched. "Too fucking bad. And did you look at her? It was obvious."_

_Stabler sighed and put his hands on his hips. "Toby, I'm sorry. Let me give you a ride home. We can talk a little longer."_

_Toby wasn't sure. He wasn't proud of where he lived, but maybe the truth would force Stabler to show his true colors. When Stabler ran for cover, Toby could write him off._

_"Okay. But don't touch me like that." Toby added a sharp glare to his words. "Don't."_

_"I'm sorry." Stabler meant it. It was obvious. "Let's go."_

_Toby went to the car and gave him the address. Stabler went towards it without hesitating. He knew where it was, and that meant he knew what it was. Did he care? Toby unbuckled the instant the car stopped. "Thanks. I had a good time. Later."_

_Stabler got out with him though. "Toby, invite me up."_

_Toby shook his head in wonderment. "You must be completely lonely. It's kinda sad."_

_Stabler nodded. "It is. You too, I know. I want to talk about the Gonzalez case before I go. Okay?"_

_Toby took him up three flights and down four doors. He unlocked it and pushed it open. "I need to review it. She was one of yours, right?"_

_"Yes. The judge threw out the confession." Stabler looked around at the one room, a tiny fridge, a chair in front of a small desk, and a bed. "This ain't much better than prison."_

_"You're wrong." Toby shut the door, took off his coat, and tossed it on the bed. "Take the chair. I'd get out the cake and coffee, but you can see that my resources are limited."_

_"Why?" Stabler furrowed his brow. "What about your brother?"_

_Toby sat down on the bed. He wasn't sure how much truth to tell. "Remember when I fainted at your feet?"_

_"How could I forget?" Stabler eased down into the chair and pushed his coat off. "I thought I'd killed you by asking your name."_

_"It was shock because you look like Chris." Toby had told him that a few weeks ago to drive him away. It hadn't worked._

_"I know."_

_"So does my brother. He doesn't share your enlightened views on homosexuals and prison lovers. I'm not welcome in his home or the state of Connecticut. So, I came here." Toby took a deep breath. He was sharing too much with this man. It could all be used to hurt him._

_Stabler sighed. "That's too bad. Being an ex-con ain't easy."_

_"No, but it pays the bills," Toby joked. He had to make light of it, or he'd sit around and cry all the time._

_Stabler laughed . He slowly began to roll up his sleeves, showing a Marine tattoo on one arm. Toby wasn't going to show his, no sir. Stabler smiled and said, "How long were you in prison?"_

_"Twelve of fifteen." The numbers didn't bother Toby, but he was very curious as to what Stabler was doing here. "No reaction. You pulled my sheet."_

_Stabler tossed him a fake grin. "I did. I wanted to know who was working my cases."_

_"Prudent. So is this the part where you deck me and we part ways?" Toby would take it like a man, but he'd cry when Stabler was gone._

_"What you did was awful. Unforgivable." Stabler's eyes were hard now, like blue agates. "But you know that."_

_"Yes." Toby frowned. "I can't bring her back. I think maybe I suffered enough, and now I'm trying to do enough good to balance the scale."_

_"Can you?"_

_"I can only fucking try." Toby sighed. "It's that or kill myself, and I want to see my kids before I do that."_

_Stabler sat up straighter. "How many?"_

_"Two." Toby refused to give any more information. He waited for Stabler to hate him. People usually did when they found out the truth. Even some of his cellmates had tried to claim the moral higher ground. "Just hate me and get it over with. The suspense is killing me."_

_"You suffered?" Stabler was an expert at interviewing people, and that's what he'd come here to do. Toby could see it clearly, and he respected it. Now he had to decide what to say. He hated pity, but again, if Stabler was nothing but a shithead, this conversation would pull it out of him. It was better to know exactly what a man was than believe any lie that came out of his mouth._

_"I was raped and brutalized repeatedly by a Nazi named Vern Schillinger. Run his sheet if you want to have nightmares. I was beaten, fucked, tortured, and that was only the beginning."_

_"And then?" Stabler had to be guessing that there was more._

_"And then I became addicted to heroin." Toby felt like peeling off his skin and handed it to Stabler. It would be less painful than this. "It made it all better until I snorted some bad angel dust, went insane, and ended up getting clean in the hole."_

_"How long were you in the hole?"_

_"A month, maybe longer, I don't really know." Toby didn't remember parts of it. "My brother knows me, and he refuses to have me in his home. My children won't see me. This." Toby pointed around the tiny room. "Is who I am and what I have. Deal with it and get out."_

_Stabler got to his feet. Toby did the same. He braced himself for the violence that would follow. It would be ugly, but it would be over. He'd go back to having nothing, and it would feel so much safer. Stabler took a small step and hugged him. Hugged him. Toby was so tense that he didn't understand what was going on for a good two minutes. When he finally did get it, he fought back a sob. For fuck's sake, he would not cry, and he didn't, not more than one tear escaped._

_"I don't hate you." Stabler gave him another squeeze. "You're doing your best after years of hell."_

_Toby felt like someone had lit a stick of dynamite in his pants. The fear had quickly turned to blind lust, and Stabler looked so much like Chris. "Please. Go away. I'll only hurt you or make you miserable."_

_"You think a lot of yourself." Stabler laughed and turned him loose. "Don't worry about me. For some reason, I like you."_

_Toby stared up into Stabler's smiling face. "Oh fuck."_

_Stabler really looked at him. All of him. Toby felt a spark of fire ignite the air between them, and he knew he was in real trouble. His knees gave out, his hands fumbled, and Stabler did nothing but lodge his fingers in Toby's hair and keep them there. Toby used his considerable expertise to make Stabler groan, and it was over quickly._

_Stabler fixed his clothes and pulled Toby up. "That never happened."_

_Toby squeezed his hard cock through his pants and came instantly. He slumped down on the bed and put his whirling head in his hands. "It sure as hell didn't. I don't want a friend that looks like that bastard Chris Keller. Get out."_

_Stabler grabbed his coat and was gone. Toby didn't bother to lock the door. He had nothing. He was nothing, but for some reason that wasn't the end of it._

"Can I move?"

Toby blinked. They'd come so far, what was this? Nothing at all. "Yeah." He knew it would be good, but he made sure to control the pace, and the gentle rocking was better than that. Stabler took his time, and each moment was sweeter than the last. Toby didn't want it to ever end. He wanted that hand on his shoulder for eternity. "Oh dear sweet God."

Stabler caught Toby's hair, pulled him back hard against him, and gasped. Toby didn't protest when they went down and Stabler rested his cast against Toby's side. Their breathing matched up. Toby still quivered. He was a mess, and he shut his eyes to revel in it.

*********

Stabler had to rest his cast. When he had the strength, he was getting a pain pill, but for a moment, he wanted to hold Toby. Random memories flitted through him, he'd never thought they'd get here.

_He'd paced and considered it from all angles, but he had to go to Victim's Services. This was one of his cases, and he had to see it through. It wasn't as if he wanted to see him. He was mortified at what he'd allowed over at the halfway house. Damn. He was ashamed that he'd enjoyed it._

_"Tobias Beecher in today?"_

_The receptionist nodded. Stabler had known it. He'd just stopped to give himself time to change his mind. It didn't work, so he went towards Toby's cubicle. The file in his hand was heavy. He knocked on the metal part of the partition, as there was no door. Toby looked up, flinched, and scooted his chair away from him._

_"Here's the file you'll need for Alyssa Morels." Stabler held it out. Some perverse part of him refused to throw it down. Toby stared at it, slowly stood, and took it. Stabler watched him closely. Toby was scared._

_"Heard of messenger services?" Toby snapped at him. The fear had turned to anger and pain._

_Stabler hated to see it. He'd wanted to be Toby's friend, not someone else that betrayed him. Their paths were going to cross occasionally, and it would nice not to argue. Of course, this was all his fault. "Cost money. The department frowns on it. I'm off work."_

_Toby's eyes looked hunted and haunted. "Fine." And he sat down to open the file. Stabler realized after a few minutes that he could stand there until the sun came up and Toby wouldn't say a thing. Well. Damn. He walked away. He'd go home, for a change. There had to be a few things around the house that needed doing._

_One week later, and Cragen comes out of his office. "I need someone to go by Victim's Services and drop this off. Any takers?"_

_"I will." Stabler swiveled in his chair, answering before he can think about it rationally. "It's on the way home."_

_"Good." Cragen put it in Stabler's hand. "You coping okay?"_

_Stabler didn't want to talk about his divorce. "Yes." And he finished up his fives for the day before going to deliver his package. It was late enough that most people had gone home. Security glanced at his badge and shrugged. He spotted one light on, and he went towards it. He was no fool._

_"What the fuck do you want?" Toby wouldn't look at him, but he'd winced as if he were in pain._

_"Is that how you talk when the boss has gone home?" Stabler handed him the box. "From my boss to yours. With love."_

_Toby's shockingly blue eyes met his and instantly darted away. "I'll deliver it. You're a prick."_

_"My wife's opinion also." Stabler gave him a nice smile and headed for the door. But, there was one more thing, and he stopped. "Your brother is doing a good job. Thanks for the recommendation."_

_"He's a prick too." Toby turned his back on him. Stabler could see the exhaustion, and he knew the bad attitude was all show. Toby was angry, but he was mostly just beat down. Living in a halfway house was hard. He had nothing and no one. Stabler jingled his keys and went towards the car. He'd been given the kiss off, but that didn't mean he was going._

_Stabler hauled the last of the crap out of the room over the garage and threw it in the trash. He wiped his hands on his jeans and went back to look at his handiwork. It was small, but a few furnishings would help. He'd go by the Salvation Army and see what they had. It was coming along._

_Three times he found excuses to see Toby over at Victim's Services. Just a look, no words. He knew he was right on the verge of stalking him, and it made no sense. Why Toby? Toby obviously didn't like him. That Keller thing. Stabler didn't understand what he was doing lately, but this wasn't over._

_"I'm out of here," Stabler said to Cragen. "Okay?"_

_"Losing an hour?" Cragen checked his watch._

_"I need to see my lawyer." Stabler was still worried about child support. The mortgage and bills ate up most of his paycheck. That night security job was getting closer and closer to a reality._

_Angus Beecher smiled. "I think we'll conclude this matter soon."_

_"How much is she asking for child support?" Stabler feared the worst. Every cop in the precinct had a horror story._

_"Eight hundred a month. Two hundred per child. Of course, you aren't required to pay for Maureen by law. I can contest it. Get it down to six hundred." Angus looked like his brother, without the hard edges._

_Stabler would call her. If she needed it, he'd find a way to get it to her. "Have you spoken to your brother lately?" The question popped out of his mouth, and it worried him. He should be focused on his divorce, not worrying about Toby._

_"No." Angus's eyes pinched. "He's not family."_

_Stabler nearly flinched. That was harsh. His family had their share of trouble, but they stuck together. "Don't contest it. Give her what she wants." He called her as soon as he hit the street. "Kathy, I was just at my lawyer's."_

_"I suppose you're angry."_

_"Do you need that much?" Stabler asked . "I'll work three jobs, if I know you need it."_

_"I can't make enough to cover all our expenses. I'm sorry. I could maybe get by on six hundred?" She was apologetic, and it made Stabler feel terrible._

_"No. You'll get it. I'll start this month. Don't worry." Stabler closed his phone. They were his kids, and they wouldn't go without. He drove home, parked the car in the garage, and spotted the old furniture he'd picked up. There was the answer to his problem, and maybe Toby's too._

"You awake?"

"Barely," Stabler whispered. All of that had led here, and he was grateful. "I have to get up."

Toby laughed . "You need a pain pill."

"Right." Stabler pulled away, but gently, and immediately went to clean up. Toby beat him there, and they managed to avoid each other's eyes. Stabler had to hug him, just to reassure himself that Toby wasn't angry.

Toby leaned against him. "Wow."

"Yeah." Stabler kissed him one more time. "I gotta get a pill."

"Let me get it for you. Go lie down." Toby slid away from him. Stabler let him go and went to find a comfortable spot on the bed. He did stop and put his briefs back on. Damn. He'd never imagined it like that. He wasn't sure they'd ever do it again, but it had been so right. A sudden thought prickled at the back of his mind. What if Toby demanded his turn? Stabler nearly winced. He rubbed his eyes and resolved to think about it later.

"Here." Toby had water and a pill. "You set your alarm?"

Stabler took both items. "You're not my mother."

"Good thing." Toby leaned over and grabbed his shirt. "I have some stuff to do. You go to sleep."

Stabler wanted to argue about it. He wanted to hold him, but he was being ridiculous. "Okay. I'm tired."

Toby smiled and turned the light out. Stabler finished the water and relaxed down. He was tired, but he knew Toby wouldn't be back tonight. Shit, he had to find his cuffs.

********

Toby opened his briefcase and made a mess on the coffee table. The cat loved it and managed to stretch out on more than a few papers. Toby rubbed him on the head and started checking a few things. It grew later, and he startled when the doorbell rang. Quickly, he answered it and wished he hadn't.

"I thought you, and that animal, lived in the garage." Benson looked cool and calm.

Toby opened the door wider and went back to his paperwork. Insulting him was nothing, but picking on his cat was the sign of a real bitch. "Stabler went to bed."

Benson came inside, shut the door, and stood too close to him. "The captain told me that I have to apologize to you."

Toby nearly laughed at her. "Really? You know, I like Captain Cragen. He's an old drunk, like me, and he's got a sense of humor."

Benson didn't look happy. "Does Stabler know what an asshole you are?"

"Yeah. He says he works with assholes, so not to worry about it." Toby spotted the gun on her hip. Hopefully, she wouldn't shoot him. "Are you taking Stabler to work tomorrow?"

"I thought I might." Benson surveyed the coffee table. "Why do you care?"

"I guess you've never shared a cab with someone." Toby didn't think they'd ever exchange civil words, and he wasn't sure he cared.

"Get a car." Benson smiled. "But you won't, because you know you're going to drink again. It's just a matter of time, isn't it? And from there the drugs will come so easy. Who will pay the price this time?"

Toby put several files in his briefcase and opened another. This poor woman needed more help than he could give her. He was going to have to pass the case to someone more qualified than him.

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you running off at the mouth again? Cat, did you hear something?" Toby asked dismissively.

Benson took a small step. Toby would have to crane his neck to look up at her, but he would never do that. She snarled, "Stabler doesn't need you in his life. He has enough trouble."

"You're probably right, but he likes the rent money." Toby sniffed. He was tired of this game, and he stood up, putting them face to face. She leaned away from him. He didn't smile at her. "Go home. I accept your apology."

"I didn't give you one." Benson glared. She was so sure of herself that it was almost sad.

Toby smiled a little. "I noticed. I can't be bullied, Detective, not after Oz, and thanks so much for giving my file to Stabler. Just what an exhausted man needs. Tell me, when you get an idea in your head, is it possible to remove it?"

"He needed to know!"

"I had told him," Toby fired right back at her. "You stay out of my life, and I won't demand an apology in front of your co-workers. Deal?"

Benson shifted on her feet and looked away. "I'll be watching."

Toby pointed at the door. "Do it where I can't see." He sat back down and opened another file. This one was a man that had been raped. Poor fucker. Toby had to go see him tomorrow. It was going to be hell, but it was part of the job. Benson shut the door fairly hard, and Toby got up to lock it. He didn't like her, and he felt somewhat guilty about it. She watched Stabler's back, and she must do a good job because he was demanding, but she wasn't reasonable. She jumped to conclusions and then refused to budge. Of course, he was an addict and an alcoholic, but half the guys carrying a badge had problems. She needed to turn it loose.

Toby leaned back against the cushions and pulled his cat into his lap. Tonight had been great, however, what did it mean in terms of their relationship? Would Stabler expect that from now on? Toby stroked his hand down soft kitty fur and thought about it.

_They'd circled each other cautiously. Eyes sliding and too few words between them. It seemed to Toby that Stabler was at Victim's Services more than he should be. One day, out of the blue, Stabler was inside Toby's cubicle again._

_"Want a new place to live?"_

_Toby narrowed his eyes. He didn't want to hear this. "Why?"_

_"I could use some cash. I have a room over the garage." Stabler shoved his hands in his pockets. "Your decision."_

_"You don't need money!" Toby snarled. He couldn't believe this shit. Was Stabler really that horny?_

_"I do. My child support is killing me," Stabler lied. It was a lie. The divorce couldn't be final yet._

_Toby turned away. "You're lying."_

_"Did you think I'd wait until the paperwork was finished? Kathy needs the money now." Stabler edged closer. "It's over the garage and not directly attached to the house. I'll leave you alone."_

_Toby refused to consider it. Stabler was just yanking him. Toby shrugged and told a lie of his own. "Fine. Come get me some time."_

_"How about tonight?"_

_Toby waved him and his bullshit away. "I have to work."_

_"Tonight." Stabler left._

_Toby didn't pack, but it happened, and he moved into the garage with a sigh of relief. It was small, but he was alone. No one right across the hall to stare and lick their stupid lips. He was truly safe here. Stabler worked all the time, and when Toby wasn't at work, he read a book in real privacy. That had been the beginning. It had been two weeks before they'd shared a meal together, and Toby had tried to leave._

_"I'll go to my room." Toby filled his plate and grabbed silverware. He could eat with his cat, which Stabler didn't know about._

_"Why don't we talk instead?" Stabler was at the kitchen table. "I haven't seen you for a week."_

_Toby sat down, but only because he didn't want to have to bring his plate back. "I like living here. No one fucks with me."_

_Stabler stopped chewing, seemed to choke a little, and took a big swig of his beer. It was always in the fridge. Long necks. Toby ignored them. Stabler wiped his mouth. "Good. I like having a roommate, not that I ever see you."_

_"Is that a complaint?" Toby glared. "I rented a room, not the house."_

_"I guess I expected you to sleep there, but live over here." Stabler picked up his fork again. "Was someone messing with you over at the halfway house?"_

_Toby wasn't going to answer that, but Stabler's free hand slid across the table and landed on top of his hand. It was as if someone had taken a cattle prod to him. He jolted and he knew his eyes were wide. "Please."_

_"Please what?" Stabler gave him a squeeze and turned him loose. "If someone was harassing you, I'll look into having their parole revoked."_

_"No." Toby stared at his plate. He had to eat, but it was hard. "Damn you for being nice to me. Don't you know that I don't deserve it?"_

_Stabler kept on eating. Finally, Toby managed to calm down enough to eat, and when he looked up again, Stabler had a small smile on his face. "Feel better?"_

_Toby shrugged and got up to clean the table. When Stabler joined him, they bumped into each other and it was hell. Absolute hell. Toby was on fire. He gasped and knew his hands were shaking. Stabler pulled him close and held him._

_"You're wrong to do this," Toby whispered._

_"It feels right." Stabler was so warm, so alive, and Toby crumpled. The heat between them went up about ten degrees. Stabler held him close. "I've been so angry, but it goes away when I'm with you."_

_Toby didn't understand that, but he'd get to the bottom of it later. He ended up back on his knees, but this time Stabler gave him some relief when it was over. They washed their hands together, and Toby laughed . "I just don't get it."_

_"Me neither." Stabler grabbed the hand towel, used it, and threw it at him. "Football tonight."_

_Toby knew he'd be watching that in the living room instead of reading on his bed. He shrugged and capitulated. "Okay."_

_"Good."_

_It had been the beginning of something that neither of them could explain, and Stabler didn't seem to want to discuss it. Toby didn't care. It was all he had._

Toby eased up off the couch and went upstairs. He briefly considered Maureen's room, but he needed more, and he stripped before sliding into bed. Stabler's back was warm, and Toby moved close to enjoy the heat. Whatever they had, it was enough right now.

*********

Stabler woke up in the middle of the night with a slight start. He could feel a warm bulge that was bigger than a cat against his back. "What the hell?"

"Just me. Sorry. I couldn't face all the pink in your daughter's bedrooms." Toby kissed him on the shoulder. "Go back to sleep."

"Damn odd." Stabler liked it. He couldn't reach back, but he wanted to. "I thought I heard voices."

"Benson was here, breaking my balls." Toby hesitated. "You're going to throw me out just to get some peace in your life."

"That ain't happening." Stabler laughed . "I'll tell her I'm gay. That'll shut her up."

Toby didn't answer. He didn't move away though.

Stabler heard a soft sigh and realized that maybe he'd said something wrong. "Sorry."

"Don't worry. We aren't gay, just very stupid. Well, you're not gay, but I probably am. Wait, I still like women. Shit. Let's start over."

"Shut up," Stabler drawled so Toby would know it wasn't serious. The situation was weird, but he refused to lay awake and label it. He had to work in the morning. "Don't leave."

"I'm warm."

Stabler was glad to hear it. He wished Toby would always sleep with him, but it never happened. Toby did what he wanted, and he always had.

_Stabler parked his car at the halfway house and went up the stairs quickly before he changed his mind. It was late - long after midnight, but he'd just gotten off work. Toby pulled open the door and said, "Yeah. What?"_

_"So you don't work all night." Stabler smiled for him._

_Toby didn't seem to care. "Go away."_

_Stabler wrapped his hand around the door and edged his way inside the horrible, little room. Even his garage was better than this. "I thought you'd pack."_

_"Why the fuck would I? You're here for another blowjob." Toby sat on his bed, leaned back on one arm, and ran the other hand through his long hair. "Get over here and whip it out. I want some fucking sleep tonight."_

_Stabler was completely appalled. He put his back to the door and tried one more time to reason with him. "It's six hundred a month."_

_Toby sighed and didn't look right at him. "I'm sure Angus has told you what a fucker I am. Why are you doing this?"_

_"I need the money, and this place sucks." Stabler wasn't going to touch him, not tonight. Toby was too close to prison, too close to hell. He looked around and seemed to give up the last inch that he'd held back._

_"Okay. I'll pack. I'll head to that homeless shelter on ninth when you change your mind."_

_Stabler stayed by the door and didn't offer to help. "You have money."_

_"So what?" Toby threw a bag on his bed and started filling it with clothes. All he seemed to have was clothes. "It don't mean shit."_

_Stabler didn't understand how a man could be so down on himself that he wouldn't even find a half-decent place to live. But he'd never been to prison. He watched, but he picked up his fair share when the job was done and went out the door._

_"Hey, sweet cheeks," a guy stuck his head out a door and said. "Don't leave me."_

_"Go fuck yourself." Toby seemed to shrink further. Stabler put him and his stuff in the car and got him the hell away from that place. He knew how tough it was. He'd lived there himself once when he was undercover._

_Stabler helped him take his things up the stairs, and Toby took a look around. Toby opened his wallet, pulled out six hundreds, and put them on Stabler's palm. "Go away and don't come up here unless you're invited."_

_"The downstairs bathroom is yours, please feel free to use the kitchen, and I won't come up here without your permission. You have my word." Stabler put the money in his pocket and left him. He'd give the money to Kathy tomorrow morning. It would help, and he wouldn't have to get that security job now. Overtime would see him through, and he'd work every hour he could squeeze out of Cragen. It was a week before he saw Toby again, that was at the precinct in a hallway, and they barely exchanged a glance. Benson didn't even notice and he hadn't told her about his tenant. Her mouth would drop open and he couldn't admit that he needed the money._

_Six days later he found himself sharing a table with Toby, and he thought Toby looked better, more relaxed. He wasn't going to touch him, and then he did. Damn. They chatted, and he found himself again with his fingers sunk in Toby's long hair. This time, he made sure that he gave some back. Later, during the football game, he'd pulled Toby close to him and said, "Rest."_

_Toby nodded slowly. "I can trust you."_

_It wasn't a question, but Stabler heard the fear behind those words. "You can. Rest. You need it."_

_Toby was asleep by the third quarter, and Stabler found himself fiddling with a long, blond curl and holding him tenderly. Whether this was right or wrong wasn't the question any longer. The question was how much would Toby allow. Toby was so hurt. He needed time, and Stabler had it to give._

Stabler smiled, shut his eyes, and fell back asleep. The alarm yanked him out of a dream where he was standing naked in the squad room, and he tried very hard not to move.

"Okay. I'm ready. Do your worst." Toby slapped the alarm off.

Stabler rolled over and managed to miss Toby's face with the cast. "This thing is a pain."

"How about a shower?" Toby surprised him by quickly straddling him and smiling down at him. "And coffee?"

"Are you happy?" Stabler couldn't believe the true smile on Toby's face. "If you are, I'm calling your therapist."

"I think it was the kissing. Whoo! It was good!" Toby leaned over and kissed the center of Stabler's chest. "You get the water started. I'll make coffee."

Stabler could only smile. He slapped out at Toby's ass as it got off him. Toby laughed and headed downstairs. Stabler started the water and got out the plastic wrap. He didn't even have time to fumble with it. Toby took it from him and did it. They showered without any horseplay, but Stabler noticed that Toby made sure to get him extra clean.

"Don't work all day." Toby snapped off the water and got them towels.

"What about you?" Stabler didn't think the captain would let him. "See ya at midnight?"

"I'm coming home for more kisses." Toby threw him another smile and went out the door. Stabler wondered if it was that simple. A couple of kisses to get Toby to work less. Not likely. Toby came back and helped him dress. Stabler had to have coffee, but he caught Toby in a hug and squeezed him.

"Where are my cuffs?"

Toby smirked. Stabler kissed him hard enough to make him groan. Toby complained, "That's cheating!"

"Tell me." Stabler threaded his hand into Toby's wet hair. "Or no more kisses."

Toby groaned . "One more and I'll tell."

Stabler shook his head and kissed Toby's chin gently. "Nope."

"Shit." Toby slumped. "In the freezer. Kiss me."

"Later." Stabler smiled and headed for the coffee. His cuffs were ice cold, and he put them on a towel to warm up.

Toby laughed. "Want some breakfast?"

"Nope. I gained five pounds." Stabler shot him a glare. Bad enough that he had to wear a cast; he wasn't also getting fat. "I blame you."

"It's the cast, dumbass."

The doorbell rang, and they looked at each other. Toby slumped onto his arms. "I'm moving out."

Stabler used his lungs. "Come in!" He wasn't quite ready to drop the subject of his weight gain, but Benson would think he was crazy.

"Ready for work?" she asked brightly.

"Let me finish my coffee," Stabler said and smiled. "Hey, Tobe, are we meeting for lunch?"

"I gotta meet with a client, so, no. And you know I hate that nickname." Toby was trying hard not to smile.

Stabler pointed at the coffee. "Get some, Olivia."

"I had orange juice." She leaned against the wall. "I would be happy to call Tobias a cab."

Toby ignored that and sipped his coffee, but Stabler had a feeling that Toby was preparing a shot across her bow.

"Vern used to call me To-bi-as. It still makes me want to shank someone," Toby growled.

"He's dead. Get over it." Stabler let his eyes laugh for him. "Lunch around one?"

"Get over that." Toby slugged his coffee back. "Steve better get to work. I hate pink."

"Yeah, but it suits you." Stabler laughed at Toby's crackling, blue eyes. Toby made a huffy sound and left the kitchen. Stabler figured he'd be paying for that later.

Benson gave him an odd look and picked up his ice cold cuffs. "What the hell?" She juggled them, and they clanked down on the table.

Stabler finished his coffee. The less said about the cuffs the better. "I was drunk. Let it go."

Benson rolled her eyes. "How does work sound?"

Stabler nodded. He might be able to do some good today.

********

Toby laughed to himself as he caught a cab to work. Definitely no blowjobs for Stabler tonight. Pink? And in front of Benson? That was over the line. Toby went to see his client first and was somewhat pleased to find the guy was traumatized but not suicidal. They talked for two hours, and then Toby had to get back to the office.

"Hey Toby!"

"Hi Karl." Toby opened his door and put his briefcase down. "Come to fire me again?"

"No." Karl laughed weakly. "I got you a real office. The janitor was complaining."

Toby liked his cell and wasn't sure he wanted to give it up. "Show me first."

Karl took him up another floor and down to one side. "Is this better?"

Toby sighed. It had a window, four real walls, a door, and it was cheery. Shit. "How bad is the janitor complaining?"

"He said things that I won't repeat." Karl pointed. "You have a window and everything."

"How many more cases do I have to take to earn this office?" Toby was suspicious. Everything had a price tag.

Karl coughed. "Well, that's the thing. We'd like you to do more supervising of some of the younger people who work here. You're so good with the clients, and if you could pass on that expertise, well, it would all be to the good."

Toby sighed. It had been bound to happen. "I can't work Friday nights."

"Same hours, a few less clients, but more supervising." Karl smiled. Toby gave up and went to get his stuff. The janitor had to be placated at all cost or he'd never get his trash can emptied again. By the time he had everything where he liked it, it was one o'clock. It seemed that he wasn't going to get much done today.

"Look at this office!"

"Elliot, I don't have time for lunch." Toby opened a file and sat down. "I have to earn this office."

"Which is ironic since I know you didn't want it." Stabler took one of the chairs in front of the desk. "How the hell are you going to stay depressed in this working environment?"

"I'll think of something." Toby looked up at him and smiled. "Pink? You are paying for that!"

"Brings out the blue in your eyes."

"Well, that dog shit brown you wear does nothing for you!" Toby grinned as he said it.

"Makes the perps feel all superior." Stabler plucked at his brown shirt. "More blue, huh?"

"Definitely." Toby suddenly smelled food. "Burgers?"

"And fries." Stabler picked a bag up off the floor and opened it. "But you don't want any."

Toby felt his stomach complain. "You're the one on a diet. Fork it over." He went to shut the door and sat down in the chair next to Stabler. "Benson still after my nut sack?"

"Yep. I politely told her to shut up." Stabler passed over a burger and some fries. "You want the milk shake?"

"Do I look stupid?" Toby took it and slurped some down. "Did you know the food in Oz really, really sucks?"

"I'm not surprised." Stabler started eating, but Toby was too busy enjoying his own food to notice.

"When I got out, I went to a restaurant and basically ordered one of everything in a last ditch effort to save my taste buds." Toby had done that, and it had cost a small fortune, but he hadn't cared. It hadn't worked, but he'd had a nice meal. He'd taken the leftovers to a homeless shelter before reporting to the halfway house.

"Toby, why didn't you get an apartment?" Stabler cocked his eyebrow at him.

"How'd we get from food to there?" Toby loved the fries, good and salty.

"Just curious. Took me a while to ask."

"The thought of dealing with a real estate agent made me ill, and what did it matter? It wasn't like I was going to have friends and family over." Toby shrugged and took a bite of his burger. It was excellent. He immediately followed with some shake. Wow. This was living.

"Watching you eat makes me realize that you haven't been out of prison long." Stabler smiled. "I think you were depressed and didn't give a damn if you live or died."

Toby swallowed. "Didn't I say that?" He was glad that Stabler was through talking, and they ate in silence. When he was done, he got up and wandered back around to his desk chair. "Thanks, El."

"Not a problem." Stabler started shooting for the waste basket with the crumpled sacks. "Game on Friday?"

"I'm going. You?" Toby sucked the last of his shake.

"You bet. Let's go early so I can see them warm up." Stabler wasn't leaving. He seemed entrenched for the day.

Toby pushed some papers around. "Did you get your badge back?"

"No. I caught calls and did some paperwork." Stabler shrugged. "Mostly, I sat around and talked."

Toby had figured that. All his buddies would want to make sure that Stabler was still kicking. "Go home and have a nap. I'll be along."

Stabler bit the inside of his lip. Toby had noticed it before when Stabler was worried about something.

"What?" Toby brushed his hair back.

"I don't like lying to Benson or pretending. She's always had my back," Stabler said quietly.

Toby didn't know how to answer that directly, but he did know a few things. "If the brass finds out, your career will be damaged beyond repair."

Stabler nodded.

"Do we have to say anything? Let her draw her own conclusions based on what she sees, not what you tell her." Toby didn't want Stabler hurt, not for any reason. "Or, I can leave."

Stabler rubbed his face. "I could tell her."

"Only you can make that call." Toby refused to shout no at the top of his lungs. "But, I have to tell you, it will drive me away."

"Why?" Stabler leaned forward.

"She will hate me, and she's in your life more than me." Toby sighed. He had never wanted to discuss this. "You're not gay, Elliot, and even if you wanted to be, I'm not sure the gay union would take you. Do you notice that cute guy down the hallway? The one with jet black hair and pouty lips?"

"Hell no!" Stabler got to his feet. "You did?"

"Me? Of course not. I love you." Toby smiled up at him. "Think about this long and hard before you go telling her something that just isn't true."

Stabler put his hands on his hips. "We'll discuss him later, but I will think about it."

"Good." Toby came around the desk. "Thanks for lunch."

"I owed you." Stabler opened the door. "I better go home and check on Steve."

"Doesn't he work?" Toby made a small joke.

Stabler shrugged and strolled down the hallway. Toby left the door open and went to his desk. He never would have guessed that Stabler would want to tell someone they shared a bed. It was that honesty thing. Stabler hated to lie, even by omission. Toby didn't mind lying, and he'd lie, cheat, steal, and kill to protect Stabler. Unfortunately, none of those things would help this time. Well, he could kill her, but it wasn't a very good solution. Maybe the best thing to do was to make sure she never saw him. Out of sight - out of mind. And Stabler might let it ride.

********

Stabler puttered around with Steve until his arm started to ache, and then he went to rest on the sofa. Telling Benson would be the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he should do it. He should. He didn't know if he would though. If he did, he might lose Toby. It was a real risk. Toby could only take so much, and Benson had already pushed him too hard. Perhaps, this time, saying nothing wasn't a lie. It was just smart. The afternoon slept away into the evening, and he woke up when Steve banged the door on his way out.

Stabler looked down at his lap and stroked his cat's fur. "Hey, buddy. I didn't see you arrive."

"Meow." The cat always said the same thing. What it meant was a mystery. Stabler wasn't hungry or particularly thirsty, so he turned on the TV to watch something noisy. Maybe his kids could come over for dinner one night this week. He missed them.

"Get your hands off my cat and no one gets hurt." Toby shut the door quietly. "You cat pervert."

Stabler tried not to laugh, but failed. "My, my, a new office and you've found your balls. You came in the front door!"

"I left the remote somewhere." Toby put his briefcase down by the coffee table. He stretched and yawned. "You make dinner?"

"Hell no." Stabler figured that Toby expected that answer. "I'm on a diet."

"Well, I'm supposed to eat more. I'll get a yogurt." Toby hung his coat up in the closet. "I want my room back."

"Another week and you can move in, shut the door, and pretend that I'm not over here." Stabler knew it would happen.

"A relief. You're so nosy." Toby went to the kitchen. "Want a beer?"

"You bet." Stabler took it and gave it a kiss. "I love beer."

"Weirdo." Toby was eating a yogurt, and he seemed to enjoy it, but it wasn't real food. "That new office is depressing. I may have to find another job."

"When exactly do you see your shrink again?" Stabler knew it happened monthly, but he didn't know when.

"Wednesday afternoon. I'll mention it to him. I promise." Toby sat down, pushed off his shoes, and put his feet on the coffee table. "Good to be home."

Stabler's mouth nearly fell open. He knew his eyes had widened. He drank some beer to cover his reaction. There was more going on than he knew. "Did Holly call you?"

"Nope. Harry did." Toby smiled in a wistful way. "To make sure I knew when the game was."

"Angus is going to be pissed." Stabler wanted to make sure one thing was clear. "He's afraid you'll sue for custody."

Toby looked at him long and hard. "You really think so?"

"It fits." Stabler knew it in his gut.

"I wonder what I could say that would alleviate that fear." Toby scooped out the last of the yogurt and let the cat lick the container. "If I begged for monthly visits, do you think he'd back off?"

Stabler thought about it. "No. Let me talk to him." He could do it, and for Toby, he would.

"I hate to put you in the middle." Toby shook his head. "Let me think about it."

Stabler would do that, but if cornered again, he'd make the situation better. "Okay, but whatever you do, don't bring it up on the phone."

"You're afraid he'll try a restraining order. I don't want that." Toby nodded and padded off to the kitchen. He came back with a soda. "I could use your help on one of my cases, a guy by the name of Nick Stanley."

"A guy?" Stabler waited to hear it before committing himself. Toby had changed the subject awfully fast. He must not want to deal with Angus, not yet.

"Yes. He was raped. The case didn't fall in your precinct." Toby took a long drink and reached to mute the television. "He knows who did it. He went to the hospital, and he says they did a rape kit. His attacker was never arrested."

"Why?" Stabler narrowed his eyes. Cases where men were raped were always touchy.

"Cops didn't believe him. According to him, they laughed and called him gay. And, uh, Elliot, he's not. Not at all. No way." Toby opened his briefcase and pulled out the file. "Take a look?"

Stabler hesitated. He might have to step on some toes, but he wasn't doing anything else right now. "How'd he end up in your lap?" he asked and reached for it.

"He found us on the internet. I got him because, well, I get all the men." Toby turned the sound back on. He didn't say anything else. Stabler opened the file. Tomorrow, he'd get to work on it. It couldn't hurt to make a few phone calls. When the doorbell rang, he barely looked up in time to see Toby, his briefcase, and his shoes, disappearing up the stairs. The chicken.

"Come in!" Stabler shut the file, but he'd read it again later.

Benson came in with a smile and a pizza. "Got time for me?"

"And pizza? Of course." Stabler reached for his cat, but the fickle animal was also heading upstairs. Damn. He was alone and defenseless. Might as well eat pizza.

"Where's Tobias?" Benson put the box on the coffee table and went to the kitchen for plates. She got him a slice and waited for an answer.

Stabler considered the truth from all angles again.

_"He's a damn faggot, and he's got no business being a cop!" his father shouted. He'd overheard Stabler discussing it with his brother. His brother had wisely fled the scene._

_"He's a good cop, Dad." Stabler didn't give a damn who the man fell into bed with. "I don't care about the rest of it."_

_"You a faggot too?" His dad shoved his thick finger in Stabler's chest. "Rat him out! Do it or I will."_

_Stabler stared down at the offending finger. "You were fired. Forced out. No one will believe you."_

_"You piece of shit!"_

_Stabler didn't duck the blow, and he felt his lip crack open. Kathy was going to be furious with him. Go along to get along was the family rule. He wiped the blood away. "I gotta get home."_

_His father shouted after him until the car door closed on the noise. Was it only three days later that he heard the news? Officer Lewis quit abruptly after being beaten half to death in the locker room. Stabler had lowered his head and went back to work. He hadn't done it._

"Stabler?"

Stabler took a bite of pizza. One piece wouldn't kill him and it would offset the beer. "He's somewhere. I don't keep track." He didn't. It wasn't a lie.

"You ever worry about him getting high around your kids?"

"No." Stabler didn't. "Olivia, you and I have been partners for years. I don't want this to come between us."

"You should've told me that you needed money!" Benson wasn't eating. "I could have found you someone safe."

Stabler shrugged. "I'm not the kind of guy that whines around. Forget him. Please."

"He's your friend?" She was pushing hard for the truth.

"He's a good guy, but I don't want to spend the next year or two arguing about him." Stabler knew that Toby could be listening. "If you see him, he'd probably appreciate you ignoring him."

"He doesn't like me." Benson delicately began to eat her pizza. "Fin likes him."

Stabler thought he might have to clap Fin on the shoulder tomorrow. A reasonable man was a relief to find. "Toby helps a lot of people at Victim's Services. If you got to know him, you'd like him."

"I don't think so." Benson shrugged her coat off. She was staying. It was going to be a long evening if they had to talk about Toby all night. "Does he have a girlfriend?"

"Not that I know of."

"He's gay," Benson said with conviction. "You know that, right?"

"Toby's sex life is his own business." Stabler finished his piece. He felt slightly nauseous. Toby's sex life was busy with him.

"Does Kathy know you have a gay, addict, alcoholic renter?"

Stabler seemed to watch his temper go through the roof. "Enough. I've had enough. If you don't trust my judgment since I let a little boy blow my arm off, just come out and say so!"

"This has nothing to do with that!"

"I'm not so sure. Go home, Olivia. Work with Fin for awhile. When I'm back to catching cases, we'll discuss this further." Stabler handed her the pizza. "Leave. Now."

Benson turned very pale. "Fine. I'll talk with you later."

Stabler stepped to the door and opened it. "Later."

Benson left quickly, and she took the pizza. Stabler put his hand on his stomach. He needed to puke after that scene. She was a good partner, but she was projecting her anger at her mother onto Toby, and it wasn't fair. Toby was clean, and he was doing his best to stay that way, and she was making it more difficult, not less!

Stabler slowly walked upstairs and headed for the bathroom. He sat on the toilet lid, breathed through his mouth, and refused to punch the wall. Steve would complain about patching a hole or two.

Toby knelt down in front of him and put his arms around him. "I'm so sorry."

"Not your fault." Stabler meant that. It was his fault. It was always his fault.

"Part of it is. I should've stayed away from her. I got cocky." Toby tucked his head close to Stabler's. "You're the one person that I can't bear to hurt."

Stabler let out a long breath. "Forget it."

"No." Toby stood up. "Let's back away from this."

Stabler got to his feet quickly, but Toby was already heading for the door. "Damn you. Don't do this to me!"

Toby's blue eyes were sad. "I've already done more than I should have." He was gone into the hallway, and Stabler would be damned if he'd chase after him. Whatever the hell they had it was not going to be dramatic, romantic, and love torn. Damn it!

Stabler went as far as his bedroom door and leaned against it. He waited until Toby and his duffle bag were close to the bottom of the stairs. "I ain't feeding your cat!"

Toby didn't answer. He shut the door behind him. Stabler slammed his fist into the wall. It hurt. It hurt, but not near as much as Toby being gone.

"Damn it!" Stabler sank down to the floor. He was alone, and he had earned it.

********

Toby wasn't entirely sure where to go. He hated taking a bed at a homeless shelter when he wasn't. In the end, he found a hotel not too far from his job and got a room for a couple of nights. He wasn't moving out. He just needed to think, and he couldn't with Stabler in the room. Of course, Stabler might throw him out for this, but he didn't think so. Anger was one thing, irrational was another.

Toby turned on the TV, slumped down on the bed, pushed off his shoes, and tried to reason it out. 

_Toby heard someone on the stairs, and he looked that way. "What?"_

_"Can I come up?" Stabler, of course, it was his garage._

_Toby had to think about it. This was his place, and Stabler was a big man, but saying no was a mistake. "Yeah. If you gotta."_

_"That kind of enthusiasm always gets results." Stabler came to the top of the stairs, but no further. "I like what you've done with the place."_

_Toby didn't smile at the sarcasm. He'd done nothing and wouldn't. He pushed his hair back and sat down on the old chest that was at the end of his bed. It had made him laugh when he saw it - home, sweet, home. "Do you need something?"_

_"First of all, I think there's a no pet's clause in our contract." Stabler pointed at the cat stretched out on Toby's bed. Toby reached and stroked his hand down the long body. The cat purred for him. Toby shrugged and said nothing. He had hoped that Stabler wouldn't care. Stabler frowned. "I mean it."_

_Toby loved his cat, but that was no one's business but his own. Cat had just showed up in the garage, made himself at home on the bed, and finally Toby wasn't so damn alone. "I guess you can run over him."_

_Stabler actually groaned. "You could take him to the pound."_

_"So could you." Toby knew that wouldn't happen. Stabler was too busy. Toby waited for the other shoe to drop. "What else?"_

_"I guess I wanted to know if you were pissed." Stabler crossed his arms. "At me."_

_"No." Toby smirked. He knew he was pushing Stabler away, but he had to do it. Anything else would hurt too much. "I've never met a man who turned down a blowjob."_

_Stabler rubbed his hand down his face. "I didn't intend to hurt you."_

_"You didn't. It didn't mean anything." Toby got to his feet. He'd take this standing. "You want me out?"_

_"No!" Stabler came to him, but didn't touch him. Toby knew Stabler wouldn't make that mistake again. "Toby, I like you."_

_"Touching, really." Toby laughed. "I'll stick around. Who knows you may get lucky."_

_Stabler lowered his head. "Being an asshole isn't quite your style. It's almost if you're working at it too hard. Maybe you should try for calm, detached bastard."_

_Toby swallowed hard. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut. "Hey, why don't we skip to the part where the straight guy realizes a faggot is living over his garage and beats the crap out of him?"_

_"Try again. This time work that prison attitude."_

_"Listen, you cocksucker," Toby lowered his head and hissed, "I'm not your bitch, and you don't really give a damn. Let's leave it there. You get your money. I get some peace and quiet."_

_"There it is. That's what you're really thinking. I can respect that. The rest was all crap." Stabler pushed the sleeves of his sweatshirt up. "I just got rid of the old ball and chain, and the last thing I need is a bitch. I do give a damn. I'm not always sure why since it's obvious that you don't give a rat's ass whether your landlord lives or dies. The money is nice, but at one point, I thought we'd be friends!"_

_Toby shook his head and refused to believe it. "You thought I'd be easy, and I am."_

_"Bullshit!" Stabler got right in Toby's face. "You were the one dropping to your knees. I never asked for it!"_

_"My fault. I'm a slut. Ask anybody." Toby grinned. He was about ready to burst. "Wait, they're all dead. Forget it."_

_Stabler kissed him. A kiss. It wasn't harsh. It was gentle, almost timid, and he pulled away without shoving his tongue deep. "I'm sorry. I never meant to make it worse. I'll leave you alone."_

_Toby raised his hand, but there was no one to touch. Stabler was gone, and he wouldn't be back. Toby sat down hard. He'd done it. Wasn't it what he wanted? He could be alone now until he got up the guts to put a bullet in his head. Much later, he went over to the house to get some food and a soda. Stabler was in front of the TV, drinking a beer, and he didn't even look over._

_Toby walked past him, but stopped to stare at the back of his head. Stabler had kissed him. Kissed him. Toby stepped in front of him, blocking the television. "You kissed me."_

_"Sorry." Stabler didn't raise his eyes from his beer. "I'll put a fridge in your room."_

_Toby had a sudden flash that he was screwing up, big time. Usually, he got that feeling days or hours too late, but this time he might make it on time. He took another step and held out his hand. "I'm sorry too."_

_Stabler gave him a hard look with blue eyes that were too familiar. He reached up and took Toby's hand. "Let's get pizza."_

_Toby had to laugh. He sat down next to him. "Sounds fine. I'll add an extra hundred to the rent for the cat."_

_Stabler sighed . "He can't come in the house."_

_Toby blinked innocently. "Of course not." He ducked his head. "I won't forget that kiss."_

_"Good, because it's probably your last one. I ain't the kissing type." Stabler put his arm around him and squeezed. Toby sank into it, took a deep breath, and let it happen. They were going to be friends._

Toby smiled from the memory. Stabler had given him a chance, a small one. That had been the beginning. Toby had tried hard not to like him or give two shits, but he'd fallen in love as surely as he'd fallen for Chris Keller. Stabler wasn't Chris, and it hadn't made any difference. They were only similar in form, except for the occasional outbreak of temper that made Toby sweat. When Stabler was angry, he was just like Chris. Deadly.

"Crap." Toby dug out his cell phone and stared at it. He pressed the buttons.

"Yeah."

"Elliot, I'm over at the Belmont." Toby wasn't sure what to say next, so he lamely said, "Can I have a couple of days to think?"

"And if I say no?" Stabler rumbled at him.

"I'll come home, throw myself at my cat's paws, and beg for forgiveness." Toby smiled.

Stabler choked off something like laughter. "Yeah. Things have been tough around here. Take all the time you need, but I'm keeping the cat for collateral."

"Thanks." Toby hesitated because he hated saying these next words. "I love you." He shut the phone before he heard the answer. It was easier that way.

********

Stabler opened his mouth to answer, but Toby had hung up. He wasn't sure what he'd been going to say, but Toby wasn't taking any chances. Stabler put the phone down and made up his mind to say it once when Toby wouldn't blame beer. It was true. He did love Toby. Not like he'd loved Kathy, but they were different people. Hell, different sexes. It couldn't be the same, and he was glad it wasn't.

Slowly, he got ready for bed. He was more tired than he liked. His back was going to be cold tonight, but he had to give Toby his space. When Steve was finished, Toby would be happier here. Stabler fell asleep, but his mind didn't turn the problem loose, and he watched them play it out again.

_He'd come home very late from work. He almost hated to raise the garage door, but he did, and he sat in the car long after it had gone down. So much anger coursed through him that he couldn't even feel his fatigue. Furious. He was beyond furious. Seeing the shrink had helped, but it was as if his anger had nowhere to go, nothing to turn into._

_The car door opened, and Toby looked in at him. "Come on up."_

_Stabler wanted to hit him. He wanted to hit something. He ached to hurt someone besides himself. "I shouldn't."_

_"The one time I invite you and you're turning me down?" Toby raised his eyebrows. "Okay." And he shut the car door._

_Stabler's tenuous hold on his temper snapped like a tree branch. He got out and slammed it. Toby was halfway up the stairs, and Stabler was right behind him. Stabler wanted to shove him down, but Toby must have known it because when they were up the stairs, he whirled, and they were toe to toe._

_"Do it!"_

_"No!"_

_"Hit me!" Toby pushed him back. "You hate what I've made you! Do it!"_

_Stabler unclipped his gun. He wanted to eat a bullet about twice a day, but no more than right now. Toby suddenly looked afraid. Stabler stared down at the gun. "I'm so damn angry."_

_"I know." Toby put his hand on the gun. "This won't fix that."_

_"No, but the voices in my head will be quiet." Stabler looked straight at him. "You know. You understand."_

_"Yes. I do. You're right. They would shut up." Toby put his arms around him, and the gun was snug between them. "If you do, do me too because I'll miss you."_

_Stabler leaned his head against Toby's. That was a load of romantic bullshit. It was nice to know that he'd be missed though. Stabler pulled away and put the gun on the old dresser. His badge, he put next to it. "No one ever said it would be an easy job."_

_Toby stayed close. "You do good things. Whoever is saying otherwise in your head is stupid."_

_"My father wasn't stupid."_

_"Yeah. I bet he was." Toby gently removed Stabler's tie. "He told you that you were a loser, never good enough, and you'd screw up everything you touched."_

_Stabler couldn't deny any of that. He watched Toby toss the tie on the trunk and start on the buttons of his brown shirt. "He was my dad."_

_"Doesn't make him right. He never understood you, so he criticized constantly." Toby tugged the shirt off, and it landed on the tie. "For some reason, you're not a drunk. I can't figure it out."_

_"I hated it too much in him." Stabler reached with fingers that still trembled from his rage and took off Toby's sweatshirt. "You need to eat more."_

_Toby led him to the bed, and they were lying together. Stabler wouldn't kiss him, but they held each other, and he realized that some of the anger was gone. Toby didn't even try to take off Stabler's pants. They simply lay, flesh and bone pressed. Stabler let out a big sigh. He was home._

_"Better?"_

_"Some." Stabler took a deep breath. "Get the cat off the bed."_

_Toby shrugged. "He was here first." He rubbed him gently._

_"How'd you know about my dad?" Stabler stared deep into Toby's blue eyes._

_"I had one too." Toby stroked his hand over Stabler's short hair. "Will we survive them?"_

_"I don't know. I can only pray I didn't screw my kids up so badly." Stabler held him a little tighter._

_Toby sighed and shut his eyes. "Too late for me and mine. I'll pray for you and yours."_

_Stabler nearly gasped as exhaustion swept over him. He pressed himself into the warmth of Toby and let the dark take him._

The alarm went off, and Stabler reached across the bed to slap it. It would take him longer than usual to get ready, but he wasn't in a rush. Today, he wouldn't stop by to see Toby. Toby needed time to think it through, and the least Stabler could do was give it to him.

********

Toby went to work early. He still wasn't sure about this supervising bullshit, and he wanted a few extra minutes to prepare. Karl would give him a hand if things didn't go right, but he didn't want that to happen.

"Hey Toby, congrats on the new office!" It was one of the boys from the mail room.

"Yeah, thanks." Toby didn't smile. "I liked my cubicle just fine."

"I'll trade with you."

"Don't tempt me or you'll be supervising and I'll be hanging out in the lounge." Toby pushed the button on the elevator and went up. His office was just as happy as he'd left it. Damn. Maybe he could get some blinds. He knew he was being stupid, but he'd been incarcerated for years. He couldn't forget it over night!

Putting his briefcase down, he quickly made sure he knew where everything was. He'd made a promise to himself that today he'd work and not think about the problem with Stabler. Just one day. That was all he was asking.

"Beecher?"

Toby would know that tough voice anywhere. He sat down. "Have a seat, Fin."

Fin looked around. "Not bad for an ex-con."

"When they realize it, I'll go back to my supply closet." Toby wished.

Fin nearly smiled, and he sat down. "How's Elliot?"

Toby pursed his lips and considered a lie, but Fin was damn smart. "Steve is re-doing the garage, and I got a hotel for a couple of days. I couldn't face pink."

"I'll have to make sure and catch him at work." Fin flipped the file he was holding. "Got time?"

"Why do I get all of SVU's shit cases?" Toby raised his eyebrows. He was complimented that Fin would ask, not that he'd admit it.

"You're good at them." Fin smirked. That was definitely a smirk, not a smile.

Toby leaned forward. "One question first. Do you dislike me?"

Fin shrugged. "And what if I do?"

"Give me the case." Toby laughed . He had two friends now. It was more than a miracle. There were two people on the planet who had given him a chance. Maybe there was hope. Maybe his kids would forgive him someday.

Fin handed it over. "We gotta move on it."

Toby read quickly. "Are you driving?"

"I better since you don't have a license." Fin got the door.

Toby smiled. The last place he wanted to go was the precinct, but that's where he was headed.

********

Stabler made some calls and didn't like what he was hearing. Toby was right about this guy. No one had given a damn, and his rapist was walking around smiling.

"What are you fiddling with, Elliot?"

Stabler smiled up at Cragen. "Captain, I need your help."

"Why am I suddenly worried?" Cragen pointed at his office.

"It's why you get the big bucks." Stabler took the file with him. When he came out an hour later, he was smiling. The ball was rolling downhill now. He stopped in surprise when he saw Toby in a chair next to Fin, but he pulled it together and sat at his desk.

"Hey Elliot, how's the arm?" Fin asked.

"Better. Thanks." Stabler avoided looking across the room, and it felt ridiculous. He put a few things away and quit trying. "Toby, when you're done, we can talk about that case you gave me last night."

Toby nodded. "Okay. Give me a minute."

"I'm good at it." Stabler gave him a quick jab. He didn't like giving him any time. Cuffing Toby to the bed was looking more and more attractive. Stabler had a bizarre thought. Had Keller wanted to possess Toby? Had he been obsessed? It was easy to let happen. It was one of the things that made him a good cop. When he wanted something, he stuck with it. But Keller? Stabler had read Keller's file and even done a little unauthorized research, but he refused to have him dug up for a DNA sample. Chances were that they were half-brothers. That was all that mattered, and if Keller had been anything like him, well, obsessed would be the word for it.

"I need some coffee," Toby said. He pointed. "Up?"

Stabler nodded and followed him up the stairs to the mezzanine and the coffee pot. "Bad one?"

"Bad enough." Toby rotated his neck and rubbed it. "Fin's got it covered. For a tough guy, he's good."

"He is." Stabler poured two coffees and made Toby's the way he liked it. Toby took it with a small smile. Stabler sat down and said, "I didn't think I'd see you today."

"Me neither." Toby sipped it. "I have to get back. Karl's going to kill me."

"I doubt it." Stabler drank some coffee. "Cragen got the Nick Stanley case re-opened, and this time SVU South is going to investigate it fully. For some damn reason, they were never called."

Toby checked his watch. "I have to get with Nick then. Thanks, El. You're the best." He was out the door very quickly. Stabler sat and enjoyed the feeling of having done something right. He hadn't felt that way lately. Going to the rail, he looked out and drank his coffee. Benson had the day off. Munch was in court, and Cragen looked tired. Stabler went down to his desk. He needed his badge back.

*********

Toby was so tired he nearly stumbled over the threshold of his hotel room. Dropping everything, he flipped on the light and groaned. He was exhausted, and he didn't want to be here. He wanted his garage back! Damn it! And damn Stabler for following the damn codes anyway.

"And I want my cat," Toby grumbled to himself. He sat down hard, and he realized that the reason he was here was a stupid one. He'd needed time to think? He was an idiot. That's what he was thinking. Stabler was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and whatever crumbs were tossed his way, he'd take them and be grateful. He rubbed his face and fell back flat. Stabler would deal with Benson. Toby would stay out of it, and if Stabler got hurt along the way, well, he was a big boy. Treating him like a China doll was completely fucking ridiculous. The guy was one hard-ass detective that spent most of his day kicking down doors and breaking balls.

The knock on his door made him jump. He got up and pulled it open. "Are you stalking me?"

"Yeah. I think I am."

"Good." Toby pulled him inside, locked the door, and made sure the curtains were shut. "Let's go to bed."

"Yeah. I'm tired from sleeping in the car." Stabler moved in very close. "Have you been at work this whole time?"

"Well, I wasn't out getting drunk and laid!" Toby gently put his head into the crook of Stabler's shoulder. "Thanks."

"What for?" Stabler wrapped an arm around him, and it felt so good.

"Not quitting."

"I never quit." Stabler pulled off Toby's coat. "I fed the cat."

"He bit you, didn't he?" Toby knew it was true.

"Right on the leg!" Stabler laughed . "Little bastard."

"He knows exactly how to get what he wants." Toby started working on Stabler's buttons. "I admire that about him."

"I guess it is a good trait to have." Stabler caught Toby by the hair. "You're coming home or I'm biting you on the leg."

"Okay." Toby worked a little faster on their clothes. It was cold. "Bite me on the ass. I'd like it."

"Perv." Stabler pushed his shoes off. "And get a haircut."

"No." Toby shoved the last of the clothes down, and they were in bed together. The cast was in the way, as usual, but they managed to work around it until they were both comfortable. "I hope you didn't expect dick, because I'm too tired."

Stabler slid his foot down Toby's leg. "Me too. I'll catch you in the morning."

Toby turned on the alarm and hunkered down into the warmth. "And I know you secretly love my long hair."

"Bullshit." Stabler's voice was drowsy. Toby curled into him and relaxed. Sleep came quickly, and his last thought was a small prayer that he slept all night long.

********

Stabler miscalculated where the alarm was, nearly broke his other hand, tried again, and yanked it out of the wall. "I am not getting up."

"Damn. Your dick’s up." Toby put his hand in just the right spot. "I gotta go to work."

"You're certifiable." Stabler had known Toby was dedicated, but he'd been so busy himself that he hadn't realized how ridiculous it was.

"You work just as much as I do. At least I sleep in my bed. Half the time, you grab two hours in the crib and call it good." Toby rubbed him gently. "I can't leave with you in a bad way though."

Stabler pulled him closer. "We could cut back to eighty hours a week."

"Is that for each of us or a grand total?" Toby laughed and kissed down him. "Do me a favor and shut up while I do this."

"What a grouch." Stabler's next thought was only about Toby's tongue and where he was going to put it next. Toby had rhythm. He knew how to make it all feel good. Stabler had been very upset after his third blowjob to realize that Toby was an expert, and it was where he'd gotten that expertise that pissed him off.

"Don't smack me with your cast." Toby looked up and laughed. Stabler shoved the covers off the bed, and the cool air was a relief. He tried never to be pushy, but this morning, this morning was different. Maybe it was the aftereffect of Toby walking out, or maybe it was just him being a jerk, but he wanted more. Something different. Something where Toby didn't do all the work and then wash him in the shower.

"Toby, slither up here." Stabler tugged Toby's hair.

"I don't slither," Toby huffed and crawled up him. Stabler gave a small gasp when their cocks crushed together. He'd have never thought of that as being something he'd enjoy, but Toby had taught him better. "What?"

"When we do this, uh-." Stabler had to stop and take a deep breath. He was afraid he was turning red. "You always give. Don't you want to take?"

Toby ground his hips down tightly. "Doesn't take much to make me happy."

Stabler reached up and swept Toby's hair back so he could see him better. "I love you, Toby. I want to give, but you never let me."

Toby stopped, completely. He gave him a wild look and slowly moved away until he was sitting next to him. His dick was still hard. "You shouldn't, and I don't want you to lie, and I don't need anything."

Stabler sat up. He had assumed all that, but hearing it hurt him. Hurt him for Toby. "You know I don't lie. I hate lies. And I do feel that way, so as you would say, get over it. You don't need anything or you don't love me enough to ask?"

Toby tucked his hands under his arms and practically hunched over. "That's cruel."  
Stabler wasn't sure what to say next. He moved a little closer and tried to pull Toby into his lap. Mistake. Toby loved to be touched, except when he felt threatened. Stabler had learned that early on.

"Don't touch me." Toby jerked away and left the bed. He grabbed his clothes and shut the bathroom door behind him. Stabler wasn't sure whether to push the issue or let Toby march out of here in a ball of self-loathing. That's what this was all about. Toby thought, hell, Toby knew people wouldn't like him. Toby was an idiot that way. He had a lot of friends, but he didn't know it. Even Fin liked him, and Fin was a hard man to impress.

Stabler got off the bed and tried the bathroom door. Locked. "Open it or I'm kicking it in, and I do that for a living."

For one minute there was nothing and then the lock clicked over. Stabler slipped inside and locked it behind him. The bathroom was small, even slightly claustrophobic, and if Toby wanted to get away, he was going to have to get in the tub, which he promptly did.

"Please. I have to go to work. We'll talk later." Toby was lying. He did it well, but it was obvious.

Stabler shook his head. "No. For once, we're doing this my way."

"You want to fuck my ass? Fine. Do it." Toby was half-dressed. There was no way he was turning on the water. Stabler reached out his hand and waited. Toby crossed his arms. "I'm going to be seriously late for work."

Stabler smiled. Toby was pulling out the big guns. That's how afraid of intimacy he was. Toby loved sex, but intimacy wasn't something he could handle. Stabler understood completely. Even this line of thinking made him slightly nervous. "Come on, Toby. All I want to do is lick you a little."

Toby stepped out and sat down on the side of the tub. He reached. Stabler pushed the hand away from his crotch. Toby grimaced at him. "Why is this important?"

"Because you are, you idiot." Stabler went to one knee in front of him and wrapped his hand around Toby's neck. "You are important. I, occasionally, not often, and we don't need to talk about it, would like to make sure you go to work smiling."

Toby covered his eyes. "It's easier-"

"If I let you run the show," Stabler interrupted. "How are your control issues lately?"

"Oh, shut the fuck up." Toby finally looked at him. "This bathroom is filthy."

"Even the bed has seen cleaner days." Stabler stood up carefully so he wouldn't bang his cast into the sink. "Are you coming home tonight?"

"Yes," Toby said . "The cat is probably hungry."

"I'll let you go in first." Stabler unlocked the door. He wasn't pushing Toby any farther on the subject. It wasn't smart. He opened it and smiled. "Later?"

"Yeah." Toby looked away. Stabler found his clothes and started struggling to get them on. He had another doctor's appointment today, and he was looking forward to the promised forearm cast. Toby came out and started helping. Stabler shoved him away, but gently. Toby sniffed.

"Go to work. I hate being babied about as much as you hate being loved." Stabler saw the slight twitch that meant Toby had taken that hard.

"I'll get us some coffee." Toby was out the door before Stabler could protest. Stabler finished about the time Toby came back with two cups. "Drive me to work?"

"Sure." Stabler took the coffee. "Thanks for the coffee. Get your shit. This place sucks. If you ever leave again, I sure as hell better find you at the Hilton, not this crap hole."

Toby's eyes were suddenly big. "You'd come after me?"

Stabler quit trying. He couldn't convince him. "Next time I'm sending Fin to bring you home. Wait, maybe Benson."

"Wow, you're an asshole this morning." Toby packed his small bag, and Stabler yanked open the door and went out to his car. It was true. He was pissed off. This crappy hotel said a lot about Toby's self-esteem that Stabler didn't want to hear. Stabler started the car, sipped his coffee, and waited. Toby tossed his bag in the back and got in the front. "Mind if I ride in the front?"

"Don't push it." Stabler put the coffee in the cup holder and got them moving. He was angry, and he didn't much like it. "Damn, Toby, you should think enough of yourself to find a clean bed!"

"Hey, Elliot. Kiss my ass. Did you ever think that even that place seems pretty nice after a six by nine with a black man the size of a barge?" Toby pushed his hair back, and really, that was a bad sign. "You're right. I'm not terribly fond of myself, but I've only been out six months! Six months! I still look for the lunchroom when I hear a car horn. Half the time, I wait to use my phone until the approved hours, and I'm still afraid to change the channel on the TV!"

Stabler tried to watch the road, but he was thoroughly captivated by the passion on Toby's face. Gone was the sadness, gone was the robot, this man was feeling something. Stabler pulled over and stopped the car. "And?"

"You think it's easy to be touched? I can barely stand it! When you grab or squeeze or pull, I want to hurt you!" Toby's forehead looked like a road map. "If I touch you, I'm in control, and you can't hurt me!"

"Toby, you've already given me the power to destroy you." Stabler watched him closely. The last thing he wanted was for Toby to hit him. "You love me, or is that something you say but don't really do?"

Toby clenched his fists. He was breathing like he'd run a mile. Stabler let him think about it. There was no rush this morning. He sipped his coffee, but he was wary. Toby had been in prison for years, and forgetting it was a mistake.

"I love you."

"But not enough to let me love you back? You want to be my bitch?" Stabler flashed him a fake grin. All of this might be a mistake, but it was honest. "To-bi-as."

Toby growled , but the words were loud. "Yes. Yes, I do! That way, when you throw me out, it won't hurt!"

Stabler shook his head. "Really? If I said, 'Tobias, hit the street,' you’d feel nothing? You'd trudge off to some crappy hotel and sigh with relief?"

"Stop calling me that!" Toby clasped his head in his hands. "You don't understand about the things I've done."

"I probably do." Stabler drank a little more coffee. "But I don't want to talk about the crimes you committed that aren't in your file. Toby, let me care for you or move out, for your sake."

"So it comes to this? I'm supposed to let you get me a beer?" Toby shifted in his seat and threw his arm over the back. He leaned close. "Or are you going to let me fuck your ass?"

Stabler narrowed his eyes. He wasn't afraid of that. "I doubt you want to. You're too busy being my bitch. How's it down on the floor, Tobias? Good?"

Toby got out fast and slammed the door hard. Stabler sat and watched him get a cab. He might as well go to work. No way was he going home to face that cat.

********

Toby didn't go directly to work. He had the cab drop him off about three blocks away, and he walked the rest of the way. Control. He had to find a measure of control. Stabler was an asshole. A fucker. God damn him for telling the truth!

"Toby?" Karl came at him in the lobby.

"What?" Toby snarled. He didn't slow down. "I'm here."

"You look angry. Is there something I can do to help?" Karl spread his hands.

Toby nearly hit him. He almost stomped him. "Do you really give a damn?"

"Well, yes. I consider you a friend." Karl smiled a little. "If I can help, I will."

Toby stopped walking and stared at him. "Did you know I'm gay, Karl?"

Karl shrugged. "I don't care. It's not like you're asking me out, but if you did, it'd be a compliment, even though I wouldn't go because I'm not, but if you want to get a beer, we could do that."

Toby wanted to crumple to the floor and laugh hysterically. "Uh, no. I don't drink, but we can get lunch some time."

"Good." Karl gave him a tentative pat on the shoulder. "Go home early today. That's an order. You look exhausted."

Toby managed not to flinch away from the touch. He wasn't going to make any promises about going home. Stabler was there. Toby nodded though and went to his office. He sat down heavily and wished he had something to kick. Quickly, he snapped open his cell phone.

"What?"

"Don't you ever call me that again, you prick!" Toby had to get those words out or he'd never get any work done.

"We'll see." Stabler hung up on him. Toby stared at his phone and put it away before he threw it. Stabler was pushing him too hard! Damn it! Of course he was afraid of being intimate with another person. Who wouldn't be? Stabler cuffing him to the bed and taking it was one thing, but Stabler dropping to his knees and sucking him off was something else entirely. Toby rubbed his eyes. He never should've started sleeping with the man. It had led them here. Stabler now thought they should have more than the occasional blowjob, and it wasn't possible.

"Mail!"

Toby didn't even look up as it was tossed on his desk. Had he made a mistake? Which time? He wasn't sure, but he had a feeling that Stabler wasn't going to let this drop. Someone was going to have to give, and Toby didn't think he could let it be Stabler. It was too risky. Way too risky. Chris had cared for him, in his fucked up way, and look where he was. Dead. Dead. Dead. His father? Dead. His mother? Dead. His son? Dead. Shit. Toby rubbed his forehead. It was safer to hate him. It had to be. It was the one thing he'd come to believe over the years alone in his cell, waiting for nothing. He'd gotten out and been satisfied with this job, and then Stabler had thrust his way into Toby's life. Was it time to put an end to this shit? Fuck the crumbs. Fuck it all.

It had to be sign from God that Stabler had been shot by a Nazi. After all, what were the odds? Toby straightened his back. Fine. Fucking fine. He'd go back to being miserable. The day lasted about as long as being in the hole did, and when the building emptied, he found himself staring mindlessly into space.

"Ready to go home?"

Toby snapped into focus. "No. Not doing it. Go away. Go far away."

"You sound about six years old." Stabler put his ass in a chair. "You had all day to think it over. I'd be willing to bet my salary that you're moving out."

Toby bit off the first words that wanted out. He swallowed the next sentence, but the third one burst from him, "Fuck you!"

"Yes. I think that was the point." Stabler smirked. "Did you decide that I'd be better off without you?"

"You would be!" Toby wanted to throw something at him, but he had the sinking feeling that he was acting like a child. "Safer, at least. Everyone I care for dies."

"You're only responsible if you killed them and I don't want the body count." Stabler held up his hand. "Kathy used to read these really bad romance novels, and occasionally I'd skim a chapter when I was sitting on the toilet. You and me, we ain't playing out this scene. If you want to move out, move out. I ain't gonna cry about it."

Toby stared at him, slowly put his chin in his hand, and stared some more. "You actually read them?"

"Something to do." Stabler shrugged. "I concede the point that you haven't been out long, but it still doesn't excuse you acting like a fool."

"I've never met anyone like you. While most guys would cheer that the sex is one-sided, you're not going to be happy until I let you touch me." Toby felt confused. Didn't Stabler know he had a good deal?

Stabler smiled. "Why should you get to have all the fun? And I told ya once - I don't want a bitch."

Toby winced away, turning his chair completely around. He needed one minute without Stabler filling up his vision. "You piss me off."

"Truth can do that. I guess hanging out with you all the time made me realize how messed up we are. You have my apology."

Toby shut his eyes and laughed. He laughed. He couldn't help it. "Do you realize that I have never, and I do mean never, been in a relationship where it was fair?"

"What do you mean?"

Toby turned back around and began to shut files. He put them away and tried to decide how much of the truth to tell. How much could Stabler handle?

"Just spit it out." Stabler frowned at him.

Toby decided to do just that. "With my wife, I initiated every sex act we had. If I had left it up to her, we'd have never had sex or children."

"What about Keller?"

Toby was slightly shocked that Stabler was perceptive enough to ask. "Chris could top from the bottom, and the less said about the others the better. There was one guy that might have, but Chris killed him."

"No women?"

Toby hesitated a long time. He had lied to Chris about Holly's teacher. He had lied, and it had led to so much pain and suffering. At the time, it had seemed like such a small thing. A way to let Chris know that Toby was like him. "No."

"Kathy liked it. A lot. I did too." Stabler wasn't laughing, thank God. "How about this? You think about it. No rush. I got time."

Toby stuffed a few things in his briefcase. He would take the time because he had no idea what he wanted to risk. "Let's go to the house and brave the cat."

"You're going in first." Stabler got up and stretched. "An interesting cold case came my way today."

"You got your badge back?"

"I don't need it, not yet. I'm fit for ass duty, but nothing else." Stabler waited for Toby to go first. Toby wasn't surprised to see that it was dark outside. His stomach rumbled, and he was tired.

"Karl called me. He's worried about you," Stabler said.

Toby groaned. "I am such a pussy."

"Get a good night's sleep, and he'll forget it. You just look tired. My fault." Stabler unlocked the car doors. Toby got in and nearly started another argument, but it seemed like work. Stabler blaming himself wasn't anything new. It was just annoying as hell.

"What I do with my life is not your fault." Toby leaned back and shut his eyes. "I'm insulted that you treat me like one of your kids."

"Well, you're always pissy about something." Stabler wasn't driving slowly tonight. "I can't win for losing."

Toby nearly cursed at him, but that would be stupid. Stabler needed to go back to work, and their life could get back to normal. They’d rarely see each other, an occasional blowjob, and dinner together once a month: it worked. Toby turned his head and stared out at the lights of the city. He absolutely hated it when Stabler was right, and he was. It was time for more or nothing at all.

********

Stabler parked the car, hit the garage door button, and got out. Toby was half-asleep, but he was still going in first. He bumbled out of the car; Stabler opened the back door, and nudged him through.

"Meow!" The furball ran straight at them and launched himself. Stabler moved even further out of the way. He was injured enough without teeth marks in his leg.

"Motherfuck!" Toby headed straight for the kitchen, with the cat right behind him. "This is your fault, you asshole!"

Stabler figured Toby meant him. So he hadn't fed the cat today. It wasn't his cat! He went to get the mail, dumped it on the kitchen table, and found a beer. He needed one. Toby grabbed a soda and glared death at him. Stabler just smiled. He wanted to think about what exactly topping from the bottom meant, and he knew his back was going to get cold tonight.

"How's Steve getting along?" Toby yanked out a frozen pizza and started the oven.

"Go look. I think you'll like what he's done."

Toby nodded. "I will. This rent thing is stupid. Steve shouldn't have to wait for his money. I'll write him a check."

"He didn't mind monthly payments." Stabler wasn't protesting, not exactly. He did feel guilty that he hadn't had the money to make the changes himself, but he had four kids to support, and they came first.

"I do. He pays child support too." Toby sat down and rubbed his leg. "Fucker has sharp teeth."

"You bleeding?" Stabler sat down across from him and tried to wipe the smile off his face. He was partially successful, but Toby's glare made it hard. Changing the subject was probably a good idea right now. "Do you pay child support?"

"No. I wish I did." Toby shook his head. "I wish I gave them something."

Stabler didn't know what to say to that. "Do you have it to pay Steve? I might be able to swing half." He could, maybe.

Toby seemed to hesitate. "I have it. Thank you for not checking my financials."

"That's invading a man's privacy, and it's not like you've broken any laws lately." Stabler had almost done it twice, but he was glad he had resisted. "If you're moving out, I'm not letting you pay a dime."

Toby stared at his Coke can. "I really want some whiskey. Or a beer. Or a hit of coke. Really."

Stabler shut his mouth. He'd obviously pushed Toby too damn far today. And all because he'd wanted to see Toby smile. Stupid. Stabler got up and put the pizza in the oven. He wasn't going to suggest a meeting. Toby knew his limits. He'd go if it were necessary.

"If I leave, you can reimburse me. Monthly." Toby took a long drink.

Stabler got the message. His new renter could pay it off. Well, that would work, but he didn't want Toby to leave. Not telling him that was the best idea right now. Toby needed some space. He'd reminded Stabler forcefully today that he hadn't been out of Oz very long, and Oz stuck with a man. The cat jumped on the table and glared at them both. 

Toby picked him up and put him on the floor. "No."

The cat strutted out. Stabler smiled after him. Stupid cat had style. He didn't take shit off anyone.

"That cat reminds me of Chris. Demanding, bitchy, and able to kill with a quick twist."

Stabler didn't mind discussing Keller, but talking about him casually rankled. Would Toby ever turn him loose? "Furry and loved to crawl in your lap?"

"All that too." Toby sighed. "Sorry. I'm exhausted."

"Eat and go to bed. You can dream of Chris." Stabler checked the pizza. Another five minutes and they were quiet ones. Toby hadn't yelled or cursed at him, but Stabler felt as if he'd kicked a puppy. Shit.

Toby got out the plates, and they ate. When it was gone, they glanced at each other and went upstairs. They didn't talk, and Toby headed for Maureen's room. Stabler got his clothes off and lay down on the bed. He was an asshole.

"That wasn't nice," Toby said, as he cut through to the bathroom. When he came out, he had more to say, "There was a time when I would have hit you for talking to me that way."

"I think I'd feel better if you did." Stabler rubbed his eyes. "I'm jealous of him. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry a lot today. When do you see your therapist again?" Toby jabbed at him.

"Friday morning." Stabler went ahead and told the truth that he shouldn't. "You loved him! He made you happy. I'm nothing but a loser that you give pity blowjobs to."

"He also hurt me and made me hate him," Toby said quietly. "You've never done those things. Not yet. You're not a loser, but you are whiny tonight."

"Shut up and go to bed." Stabler pointed out the door.

Toby went around the other side of the bed, crawled under the covers, and got comfortable. "Set your alarm."

Those were the last words he said. Stabler watched him fall asleep. "You better dream of me," Stabler muttered and kissed him on the forehead. He turned off the light and lay back. Sleep. Right.

********

Toby had that dream again. He knew it was a dream, and he didn't want to have it. He stood outside the dream and watched it, but it made no difference. There was no way to wake up. No way to stop it. No way to ignore the pain of what was coming at him. God, it would hurt. His younger self arched and screamed. The laughter was loud again. Agony thrust through both of them. Again and again, until he watched himself try to pass out.

"Toby!" Keller yelled.

Toby took his eyes off his writhing, smashed body and turned to face him. "Are you proud? I'm broken!"

Strong hands reached and he couldn't allow even a single touch. "I'm destroyed! And you did it!" And he ran. He tried to gasp, but nothing happened. His throat seized up.

"Toby!" Stabler slid off the bed and knelt next to him. "You okay?"

Toby moved away from the hand that reached. Had it been Stabler in his dream or Keller? He got up shakily and bolted for the bathroom. Breathe. He had to breathe. Having a panic attack was embarrassing, and he didn't want to have to explain it to Stabler. Toby's lungs didn't cooperate. The panic of no air climbed into his throat, making it even more difficult. He knew he was turning a funny color, and he tried to pant. Shit!

"Breathe, Toby." Stabler was suddenly there, touching him. "Toby! Take a breath!"

Toby wheezed it in. His vision swam around him, but he managed to stay on his feet. The arm was heavy, but he didn't push it off. Another breath. Breathing was easy. Damn it. Stabler held him and finally helped him to the bed. Toby rubbed his chest. His lungs hurt. He focused all his attention on breathing.

"How long have you had these attacks?" Stabler reached for his cell phone. "Bus?"

Toby shook his head vigorously. He put his hand over Stabler's mouth. Stabler should get the hint. Toby had to breathe, not talk. Minutes later, he got up and went back to the bathroom. The slight trembling from the lack of air would go away soon. He washed his face, leaned against the sink, and stared at himself. Now he'd done it. He should have stayed in his own bed where he belonged.

"Better?" Stabler was still right with him.

Toby lowered his head. "Yeah. Go back to bed."

Stabler didn't move. He rubbed Toby's back in lazy circles. "Scared the shit out of me. I thought you were dying."

"Not tonight." Toby straightened up. "I gotta get something. Please, go to bed."

Stabler still didn't move. "Can't I help?"

"No. You don't understand." Toby forced his legs to take him to Maureen's room. He didn't even pay attention to whether or not Stabler was following him. Toby dug in his overnight bag, opened the bottle, and took the tiny pill. He capped it and sank down to sit on the floor with his head on his bent knees. Give it twenty minutes and he'd be fine.

"What the hell are you taking?" Stabler took the container from Toby's slack hand. "Xanax?"

Toby didn't lift his head. He had to breathe and relax, which was going to be hard with Stabler yelling at him. Shit. He never, ever should have slept with him. He'd stupidly hoped that he might not have another episode.

"Your psychiatrist gives them to you?"

Toby didn't look. He kept his head down and said, "No big deal." He only took it after an attack, just to smooth out the edges.

Stabler sat down very close. His body gave off heat. Toby wanted desperately to curl up on Stabler's lap and breathe. How dumb was that?

"Toby, this is why you never sleep with me, isn't it?" Stabler hadn't touched him. "Lay down in my lap. I won't touch you."

Toby glanced into those startling blue eyes. He couldn't do it. There was want, but he didn't have the will. "No." He flushed as a full body quiver worked its way up him. Damn lungs. Damn it. How ironic was it that he would start this after Oz? Stabler didn't leave. He sat close and didn't touch. Toby appreciated it, but it was stupid. He was fine. "El, go on. I'm good."

"No." Stabler sounded as if he'd made up his mind.

Toby waited silently, and eventually he felt his body give in to the medication. He took a deep breath and got to his feet. Now he had to find a bed or he'd be sleeping on the floor, and he didn't want to sleep in Maureen's bed. "I'm going to the couch."

Stabler blocked him. "Come to the bed."

Toby tried to ignore it, but he sagged, and he put his hand on him. "Why do you do this to me?"

"I guess because I love you." Stabler wrapped him close and started for the bed. Toby didn't quite remember hitting the pillow.

*********

Stabler stared at the clock. It was five in the morning. He'd never get back to sleep. Toby was out, and he needed about ten hours, but he wouldn't take it. Stabler quietly reached over and shut off the alarm. He didn't understand what had just happened, but the fact that Toby couldn't breathe seemed the most important.

_"Are you proud? I'm broken!"_

Toby had yelled at him. Stabler thought that had been a dream, but now he wasn't so sure. He had made a mistake when he'd asked for more. Toby wasn't able to give it, not yet. Stabler should have been smart enough to see it earlier. He was an idiot to think that Toby could walk out of prison a normal man. Stupid mistake. Toby needed time, not some big dummy forcing him to have sex.

Top from the bottom? The words flitted through Stabler again. He got it now. That's what Toby had done to him. Stabler had been on top, but Toby had controlled everything. It made sense, and it was the only reason that Toby had allowed it. Stabler had almost ruined it all by grabbing him, kissing him hard, and dragging him up the stairs. Toby had been right on the verge of running out the door. Luckily, Stabler had given him control back before that had happened.

Stabler ran his hand down his face. How the hell had things gotten so complicated? Benson was still acting all hurt, and Toby was a wreck, trying to deal with too much at the same time. Stabler controlled his sigh. He was the normal one, and that was too crazy to believe. Benson would get over it. After they worked a couple of cases, they'd find their rhythm again. Stabler wasn't all that worried about it. It was Toby. Between his kids, his crazy job, and Stabler making demands: Toby was about ready to crack. Hell, tonight he had cracked. That not breathing stuff was scary.

"Damn," Stabler muttered and gently put his hand on Toby's. Toby surprised him by grabbing tight and not letting go. Stabler made a promise to back off. He loved him more than enough to shut up about his own needs.

********

Toby opened his gummy eyes and tried to see what time it was. Ten o'clock. Ten o'clock!

"Stabler! I am going to kick your ass when I get home!" Toby nearly fell off the bed. He was groggier than if he'd been drunk the night before. "You fucker!"

Stabler handed him a cup of coffee. "You're welcome," he said dryly and left the room. He just walked out! Toby wrapped his hands around the mug and took a big drink. Half his taste buds burned off, but he didn't care. He had to get moving. It seemed like forever before he managed to shower, dress, and get downstairs. He put the mug in the sink and fed the damn cat.

"No biting!" Toby didn't see Stabler, but Steve was coming in the front door. "Hey, Steve!"

Steve came in the kitchen. "Hey, Toby. What's up?"

"Get some coffee and make sure I get the bill, okay?" Toby brushed his hair back. He had to get out of here.

"That's what Stabler said. You want hardwood floors or carpet?" Steve helped himself to a mug of coffee. "And you need to pick out a few other things now that we got the drywall up."

Toby hadn't thought he'd get to choose anything. He thought about it for one second. "Why don't you stay for pizza tonight? Around seven?"

"Sure. I'll tell my guys to stay." Steve smiled. "Get at least six."

Toby nodded. He hadn't realized that there was a crew. Oh well. "Okay. I gotta go." He grabbed his briefcase and coat. Stabler was watching TV. Toby didn't do more than glance. He was embarrassed enough about last night, and he was not going to talk about it. "I'll bring the pizza."

Stabler shrugged. He didn't get up. "Whatever."

Toby had expected more than that. He stepped in front of the television. "We'll discuss everything later."

"No reason to do that." Stabler turned off the TV and stood up. "I'm good. You're good. Let's leave it alone."

Toby was glad he wasn't licensed to carry a concealed weapon. He forced his jaw to unclench. "You're done, huh?"

Stabler headed for the stairs. "I called you a cab. It'll be here soon."

Toby heard the horn almost immediately. What timing. Stabler wasn't even offering to take him to work. What a relief. The prick. Toby knew Steve was watching.

"Anything else?" Stabler was halfway up.

"No. You'll get your rent tonight." Toby waved goodbye to Steve and went out to his cab. Something was wrong, or everything had gone back to normal. He didn't know which. He felt like his head was screwed on backwards. Stabler had gone from Mr. Kind and Concerned to Mr. Kiss My Ass. It didn't make any sense, not that whatever the hell they shared ever did. Had last night been the tipping point? Stabler had finally had enough insanity and was writing him off? That didn't make sense either. Toby watched the city come up around him and gave up trying to figure it out. He felt completely overwhelmed. New job, new rules with Stabler, which apparently had changed again overnight, and the bare chance that he might be able to be some small part of his children's lives was all too much for his brain to handle.

Toby wanted to put his head between his knees and breathe, but he had to go to work. He'd break down later. Wait a damn minute. He was supposed to see his shrink today at four p.m. Fuck. Could this day get any crappier? He hurried up to his office, but Karl caught him in the hallway.

"Hey Toby. Glad to see you took the morning. You look better." Karl smiled.

"I hate being late," Toby groused. "I have a doctor's appointment at four, but I'll make up the time tomorrow."

"Toby, you work more than anyone in the building. I'm not worried." Karl caught sight of someone else and went off with a wave. There were days that Toby wanted to kick Karl's ass for being such a pussy. Karl wouldn't last five days in prison. Vern would've killed him for fun. Toby rubbed his face and shoved Oz away. He had to maximize the hours he was here.

*********

Stabler made it to work by noon. He wasn't in any rush. He'd answer the phone and get organized on the cold case. Spotting Huang in the hallway, Stabler caught up to him.

"Hey Doc, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Elliot." Huang seemed pleased to be asked.

Stabler didn't plan on making nice, but he never passed up a source of information. "I rent a room to this guy, and last night, he had some sort of weird attack. He couldn't breathe, at all. There was nothing I could do, and he wouldn't let me call a bus. When it was over, he took a Xanax. Help me here, Doc. This is someone that's around my children."

Huang cocked his head to the side. "Your roommate that just got out of Oswald? Benson mentioned him to me - Tobias Beecher?"

Stabler nearly groaned. Did everyone know? "That's the one. He's a good guy and he pays his rent on time, but I don't want any trouble."

Huang stuck his hands in his pockets and seemed to be giving the matter serious consideration. "He sees a psychiatrist?"

"Yes." Stabler waited for the rest of it.

"Xanax is addictive if taken regularly, but if his doctor prescribed it than he probably needs it. What you described sounds like a panic attack. Stress can bring it on. Considering that he's trying to transition from prison, it's not unheard of. Is he white, upper class, and well-educated?"

Stabler nodded, but he was surprised. Huang was either really good or Benson had a big mouth. "I hate to throw him out for nothing."

"Give him time, and don't expect him to be normal. For someone from his social class to have spent time in Oz, his transition will be extremely difficult. Does his family support him?"

"No. They've written him off." Stabler hated that piece of truth. He did hope that Toby's kids would come around, but Angus might be a lost cause.

"Tough situation." Huang sighed . "Just don't ask him to do anything unusual. He's probably only a danger to himself."

Stabler didn't understand how that was a factor. "Excuse me?"

"Elliot, he has no idea who or what to be now. It's like a boat with the lines cut. It's good he has the stability of your house. It may save him." Huang looked away. "I have to go, and you realize that this is all guesswork?"

"Of course. Thanks." Stabler thought it was pretty damn good guesswork. He had made a colossal mistake when he'd asked for more, and he hadn't known it. Damn it. If Toby did something stupid, it would be Stabler's fault.

"Hey, good to see you back," Benson said. She smiled. She meant it, and it was good to hear.

Stabler grinned. "Thanks. It's good to do something besides watch Dr. Phil."

Benson laughed. "You at your desk?"

"Until further notice." Stabler didn't care. He needed time to heal, inside and out, not that he'd tell anyone that. "How's the trial going?"

"It's going well." Benson walked with him to the squad room. "How's Toby?"

Stabler shrugged. "He's not happy." He sat down and made sure his arm was comfortable. "I don't think you really care. Let's not to talk about it."

Benson sat down across from him. "Well, I still wish you had gotten someone else, but Toby is trying, I have to give him that. Maybe living with you he can stay clean."

"Maybe so." Stabler wouldn't put any money on it today. It scared him that he wasn't the only one in the house that dreamed of eating a gun. He hadn't lately, and mainly because of Toby. Damn.

_"I'm broken!"_

Stabler heard Toby's cry again. He idly turned on his computer and tried to look calm. There had to be something he could do or say to make it better or not any worse. Damned if he knew what.

********

Toby made it to his shrink on time. He didn't feel like talking. He wanted to pace and yell, but that was never a good idea.

James Daniels, a psychiatrist with a specialty in addictions, opened the door. "Your turn, Toby."

"Great," Toby muttered. He put his briefcase down, but he discovered that he couldn't sit. He was too nervous.

"Toby, take several deep breaths over by the window." Daniels wasn't completely stupid.

Toby did that, and he tried desperately to think of nothing. "I had a panic attack early this morning."

"I thought so." Daniels was still standing, but not too close. The office was big, spacious, with solid earth tones. It was designed to make crazy people feel calm. It wasn't working on him today. "Why?"

"You're the shrink." Toby pulled his coat off and threw it onto a chair. "Occasionally, well, often, I wonder why I come here."

"Me too." Daniels put his back to the wall so they could see each other. "Four visits and you have yet to say anything that gives me the barest clue of what you need. We've barely discussed anything."

Toby licked his lips. He had gotten a shrink because Sister Pete would have wanted him to and because of the attacks. Stupid reasons. "I'm afraid to be honest with you."

"I know. Why? I can take it." Daniels was soft on the inside. Toby looked him over again. Oh, he looked lean and fit, but where it counted, down deep, he was nothing but pudding. Toby hated to hurt him by informing him of life's cruel realities. Daniels smiled. "I'm a big boy."

Toby checked him out. Not likely. "Okay. I'll be honest for one hour, and then I want you to find me a shrink that has experience with ex-cons."

Daniels seemed surprised. "Why?"

"Trust me." Toby turned from the window and grinned. "Okay, ya pussy bitch?"

Daniels flinched. "Toby."

"No, you listen to me, remember?" Toby loosened the first two buttons on his shirt. He hated to hurt this pudding pop, but it was that or go stark raving mad and kill himself. Well, he still might do that. "Sit down!"

Daniels's mouth dropped open, but he went to his chair. He would. He was a bitch at heart. "Fine. Let's talk."

Toby let it all out. He paced, yelled, laughed, watched the clock, and didn't quit for fifty-nine minutes. Daniels tried to handle it, but at the hour, he looked stunned and numb. Toby smiled meanly. He'd needed that, and it worried him. Even Sister Pete would have been appalled. He sat on the edge of the big desk. "You can mail me your recommendations."

Daniels leaned away in what had to be disgust. "Well, I really think-." He rubbed his forehead. "I'll do that."

"Yeah, I thought so. Daniels, I like you, but you need a dose of reality. Get out of this haven and live a little." Toby laughed, but it wasn't funny. "Stupid fucker."

Daniels got to his feet. "Get out."

"Sure. No problem. Remember the law now. You can't call the police unless you think I'm a danger to myself or others." Toby put on his coat. He felt bad on the inside, and it felt good.

"I know the law! Get out!" Daniels was the lunatic now. Well, facing someone's deep-seated anxieties can do that to a man. Toby giggled. He left the door open and went out to the street. That had been wrong, but he felt about ten pounds lighter. He had to get some pizza and head for home, well, Stabler's house.

*********

Stabler knew something was up by the strange gleam in Toby's eye. Toby did have the pizza, but the look on his face was something Stabler hadn't seen yet. Stabler wasn't going to confront him. That would be a mistake. However, he was definitely going to watch him.

Steve and his crew tore through the pizza. Toby paced and didn't say a word, and Stabler ate a few pieces and made sure to toss some pepperoni to the cat. At some point, Toby and Steve put their heads together over a stack of catalogs, and Stabler didn't eavesdrop.

"Okay, sounds good." Steve got up and went back to the pizza.

Toby grinned at Stabler. "Keep staring and I'm going to do something stupid."

Stabler didn't want to find out what. "Just keep it together."

"Not a problem."

Stabler didn't believe that. Even if he hadn't talked to Huang, he'd be worried. Toby looked unbalanced, or more likely, out of control. Steve, the crew, and the cat went out the door, and Stabler started cleaning up. At least there hadn't been any beer this time.

"Here's the rent." Toby tossed a pile of hundreds on the table and put his hands on his hips.

Stabler didn't like the attitude he was getting. "Don't sound so happy about it."

"Fuck off!" Toby snapped.

Stabler thought Toby had waited all day to say that. "I'm always upset after I see my shrink, so I'm not taking this personally."

Toby laughed. "I have to get a new shrink. The old one found out how nuts I am today. He couldn't hack it. Pussy bitch."

Stabler had a flashback. He remembered this Toby. He'd seen him at the halfway house, right before Toby had moved in. The attitude was the same. Angry. Defiant. This was prison Toby, full on. Stabler picked up the money and straightened out the bills. For him, it was a lot of money, and he was grateful to have it. He was going to give it all to Kathy. Maureen didn't ask him for money, so Kathy was taking a hit there. Stabler put it in his pocket and refused to feel guilty. It was rent. Toby did live here, and he wanted to pay it.

"Anything to say, fucker?"

Stabler kept his eyes down. He didn't want to get angry about money. "Thanks. Kathy needs it. Maureen is expensive, and I know you didn't want to stay, and, well, it's too much for what you get, but thanks." He flushed. Lord, he was an idiot.

"Shit," Toby breathed.

Stabler turned away and started loading the dishwasher. Reacting with anger would be a very poor decision. He didn't like this Toby, but he was glad that Toby had survived prison, and it had taken that kind of attitude to do it. The cat rubbed up against Stabler's leg, and he dropped him a piece of sausage. The silence was thick with Toby's anger. Huang was right. Toby's transition was tougher because of his former social standing, not easier. Money didn't make everything easier.

Stabler got the dishwasher going and wiped off the table. Toby walked away, and that was a good thing. Stabler grabbed a soda and went to the living room. He sat down and wished he were a good enough friend to help Toby. The TV droned on, and he reviewed the case in his mind, but there weren't enough facts yet to keep him from worrying about his roommate, who may or may not be trying to purchase a handgun. With that thought uppermost, Stabler went upstairs to check Steve's progress. He pushed open the new door where Dickie's old door had been. When the cast came off, he'd work on rearranging the furniture in the other two bedrooms to make the kids comfortable when they were here. The twins could share a room. They had before. One of those rooms wouldn't be pink at the end of this. Steve had promised.

"What?" Toby looked up from the corner where he was sitting, reading his book.

Stabler looked around and went through to the other room that had been open to the garage, but wasn't any longer. Steve did good work. There was even going to be a tiny bathroom with a shower. Nice. His property value may not drop too drastically. He went back out and glanced over. "Nothing."

"Do you ever worry that I'll shank you?"

"Not until just right now." Stabler went back out the door. He was going to give Toby lots of room tonight.

********

Toby put his book down and stared at the wall instead. Jumping up and hitting Stabler wasn't a good idea. That cast could hurt him. And this was all about last night anyway. Toby lowered his eyes to his lap. Shame, anger, hatred, and all the emotions that he was scared of pounded behind his eyeballs. If he'd felt this way in Oz, he'd have found someone to hurt, usually himself. His phone rang, and he opened it reluctantly.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad, ready for Friday?"

Toby sagged against the wall. Holly's voice was so sweet in his ears, and it helped him feel less like killing someone, like himself. "You bet."

"Are you bringing that cute detective?" Holly giggled.

Toby had to buckle down tight on his emotions. "We'll see. He has a life."

"Make sure to invite him." Holly laughed. "Harry is nervous, but I told him that you'd come for sure."

"I wouldn't miss it." Toby forced out a question that could make his crappy day even worse. "What does my brother say about all this?"

Holly hesitated. "He's been awfully quiet, but I always tell him before I call you."

"Good. No secrets, okay?" Toby hated to hurt his brother any worse.

"I promise. Do you think, maybe, some time you could come out to the house?" Holly sounded so young.

"Holly, I'm not going to lie to you. Angus is angry with me. Until he and I work it out, probably not." Toby cringed on the inside. "I'm sorry."

"I'll work on it. Later." Holly clicked off. Toby put his phone back in his pocket. She would work on it. He knew his stubborn child. Angus might as well give up. Toby rubbed his face. Was he angry at Angus? Hell, yes, he was. They were brothers, and Angus had walked away from it. Toby understood it, but he was still pissed. He wouldn't have done that to his own flesh and blood.

Toby got up, snatched his book, and went to find somewhere more comfortable. Tomorrow, he'd start looking for furniture. He passed the girl's rooms and saw the mess again. He'd help Stabler with that once the apartment was finished, and all his stuff was put back. Stabler. Shit. He had a look that Toby had seen before on the faces of worried unit managers.

Stabler was in front of the TV, and Toby took another chair. It was time to make nice with the only guy in the house that owned a gun. Stabler ignored him, not a good start.

"Okay! I apologize. I've been an asshole!" Toby burst out.

Stabler laughed. "No one ever said you had to be nice. You got a lot of shit going on."

Toby absolutely hated that slight tone of forgiveness. "Get off it! You'd rather I play nice in your backyard."

"Well, I'd rather you didn't shank anyone, but I work with cops for a living. Nothing you say can surprise me." Stabler drank some soda. "New shrink, huh?"

"I picked the wrong one. I cursed, and he nearly pissed himself." Toby sighed. "Back to the yellow pages."

"Let me get with our shrink down at the precinct. Maybe he can recommend someone." Stabler muted the television. That's how serious he was.

Toby considered it. "You already talked to him, didn't you?" He knew it. He could tell by the look on Stabler's face.

Stabler didn't hesitate. "This morning I spoke to him briefly because of what happened last night."

"And," Toby drawled sarcastically. He should never forget that he lived with a cop.

"He said the drug was no big deal, and you were probably suicidal. Too much shit to deal with," Stabler said so matter-of-factly. "He told me to give you some space so that's what I'm doing."

Toby couldn't decide whether to be furious or touched that Stabler cared enough to ask a professional. His night and day had been hard enough that he didn't think he could make the right choice so he focused on what he could handle. "I need someone that's an expert in addictive behaviors and isn't afraid of prison stories."

"I'll ask him tomorrow." Stabler would. He cared. He did.

Toby let out a heavy sigh. He might as well talk about it. Since Stabler had seen it, he would understand a little. "It started right after I got out. I woke up, and I couldn't breathe. Nothing. First couple of times, I hoped it'd kill me, but it didn't. I hadn't had one for a month. I had hoped they were over."

"Same dream each time?"

Toby remembered again not to underestimate Stabler's intelligence. "No. Last night was the time they broke my arms and legs. Sometimes, it's the night I was branded, or the time I was shanked, or-. Well, you get the idea."

"Yeah." Stabler sucked in a deep breath. "I never should have pushed you so hard. I guess I forget."

"It's these blue eyes and long eyelashes." Toby went for the lame joke. He refused to cry again about things he couldn't change.

Stabler nodded. "I guess I'll check out the swastika to remind me."

Toby laughed to cover his pain. "So, what now?"

"Whatever you want, whatever you need, we'll do that." Stabler tossed Toby the remote to the television.

Toby stared down at it. He was in control again, but it didn't seem so sure a thing as it had been two days ago. "No more kisses, huh?"

Stabler slowly smiled. "Guess not." The smile drained away. "Of the two of us, I thought I was the one more likely to eat a gun."

Toby nearly leaned over from the jolt of pure fear that blew through his brain, and again he saw Chris fall to his death. He'd seen that face die once, and he could only pray that he never had to see it again. "Elliot, please, promise me-." He broke off when he couldn't finish the sentence.

"That I won't do it?" Stabler shrugged. "Hazard of the job, I guess."

"No." Toby put his head in his hands. "Just kill me first, okay?"

Stabler winced. "Toby, you're going to have a life with your children. Just hang on."

"The same goes for you." Toby shoved his hair back and tapped into his anger again. "Elliot, if you take the easy road out, you can sure as fuck can count on the fact that I'll be right behind you. So before you pull the trigger, you think of that!"

Stabler didn't say anything, and Toby left him on the sofa. Toby went upstairs and lay on Maureen's bed. It wasn't long before the cat joined him. At least with the lights off he didn't have to face the pink paint. He should work on his files or clean the bathroom or something, but all he wanted to do was cry for what he'd lost and what he couldn't have.

********

Stabler watched the news but quit after that. He was tired, and he was going to work in the morning. Toby had shoved the shank home this evening, and Stabler felt worn out. There weren't any easy answers, but he was miles away from pulling a trigger, and that was a small victory. If only he was confident that Toby wouldn't do it.

The cat came out of Maureen's room and meowed at him. Toby was in there, probably asleep. Stabler hesitated. He hated to be pushy.

"You gonna stand there all night?"

"Sorry." Stabler slunk off to his room and started undressing. He was a loser. His dad had been right. A pansy. That was him. Only a pansy would want to sleep with another man. He wiggled out of his trousers. Well, he only wanted Toby, but his father would say he was a faggot and beat him up.

"Did you take your pain pill?"

"I've been trying to go without one." Stabler flinched as he pulled his shirt off.

"It's too soon. You won't sleep, and you need sleep to heal." Toby disappeared from the doorway. Stabler sat down and rubbed his forehead. Mother Toby was back for a brief visit. "Take it, Elliot."

Stabler took it and drank the glass of water. "Thanks."

Toby took the glass back. "Do you think I'm a wimp because of my panic attacks?"

"Do you think I'm a pansy because I want to cuff you to the bed and lick you everywhere?" Stabler licked a drop of water off his lips. "I'd forget the cuffs but otherwise you'd run from the room."

"What is it with you and cuffs? Did Kathy play the kink with you?" Toby's face was red.

Stabler shook his head. "No, but some part of me wants to take it because I know you can't give it. I'm messed up. A faggot."

Toby took a fast step and slapped him. The slap sounded like a gun shot. Stabler didn't feel it for one second and then his face began to burn. His first reaction was to beat Toby to a pulp, but he shoved that away and sat there, waiting for time to rewind.

"You hit me?" Stabler slowly began to rub his face. He had a hard time believing that had just happened. "I never even saw it coming."

"Don't talk like that! You're not a faggot!" Toby got even closer and yelled at him. "I'm a stupid faggot, but not you."

Stabler wondered where his temper was tonight. "My father would disagree with you."

"He's an idiot. Quit listening to him and listen to me." Toby dropped to his knees in front of Stabler. "You're a straight guy, who happens to like me. You may change your mind at some point, but I'm probably it as far as guys go."

Stabler twisted a curl around his finger. All of that might possibly be true. "And what about you?"

"Well," Toby said, "I'm both, so you can make the faggot case for me."

"You hit me." Stabler tapped Toby on the forehead. "But not very hard. Next time, hit me like a man."

"I was just trying to get your attention." Toby rested his head on Stabler's leg. "Hit me back. I don't care; just don't talk like that. It hurts me for you."

Stabler stared down at the oh-so-very complicated man in front of him. "Okay. Go back to bed."

Toby stood. "Okay? That's it?"

"Yep. I'm tired. You wore me out. I'd like to cuff you to the bed just so I know you're safe, but I'm too worn out." Stabler shoved the covers back and got comfortable. "I still can't believe you hit like a girl."

Toby gave out a shaky laugh. "What a spectacularly fucking bad day."

"I agree." Stabler shut his eyes. He wasn't going to ask for company, but he wanted it, and he figured he'd earned it by being slapped around. "Good night."

There was only silence in the room, but a short time later, the bed dipped. Toby said , "Sorry."

"It's okay." Stabler didn't care about the slap. He was more worried that he'd give in to his desires and take what he wanted when Toby was in no condition to give it. Damn it. Stabler kept his eyes shut. This time, he would control his dick.

********

Toby woke up early and was careful not to shove back into Stabler's hard cock. Stabler was always hard in the morning, most guys were, but he seemed extra hard. Toby controlled a soft groan. Sex was a bad idea. Neither of them had any idea what they were doing any longer. Toby shut his eyes and saw it again.

_"Tell me you want it, Toby." Chris wiggled two fingers deep and sucked him hard._

_Toby squirmed and wanted to shove him away, but it wasn't possible. "Please, Chris."_

_"I need to hear it, babe." Chris licked Toby's cock and thrust harder. Toby whimpered and clawed at the sheets. He could beg with the best of them, and Chris wasn't happy until he got it all, everything Toby had, put right at Chris's feet._

Toby didn't want that again. He didn't want to feel so out of control. He couldn't do it again. Beg, plea, and cry out of release. No. God. No. Chris's love had broken him, and he would not do it again. He would not allow it. No.

"You okay?"

Toby opened his eyes. Stabler had rolled to his back and was staring at him. Toby nodded. "Of course. Just awake."

"You can run from the room, if you want." Stabler stretched and yawned. "I ain't gonna touch you."

Toby believed that. He did, but it wasn't what he wanted, not exactly. "Are you going to try to make me beg?"

"What?" Stabler rubbed his face with his hand and sat up. "What do you mean?"

"Beg for another lick. Beg to come. Beg." Toby could see the confusion on Stabler's face melt away into faint disgust.

"Why would you beg?" Stabler scratched his head. "Am I missing something? Hell, am I awake?"

Toby laughed . He forgot sometimes that Stabler was new to this stuff. Chris had perfected the art of seducing and fucking men. Stabler was a babe in the woods. The trouble was that they looked the same. Toby cautiously put his head on Stabler's stomach and relaxed onto him. "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

Stabler put his hand on Toby's back. "I get the feeling that I'm not at all what you had in mind when you went looking for a boyfriend."

"Looking for a boyfriend?" Toby burst out laughing. "Oh shit. That's funny."

Stabler laughed also. "Okay. I'll rephrase. When you went looking for fun in bed."

"Right." Toby laughed some more. "Have we had fun in bed yet? Or are you busy worrying that you'll hurt me, and I'm busy worrying that I'll scare you away?"

Stabler shrugged. "I haven't complained, but it's not like I know what I'm doing."

Toby smiled and kissed Stabler's abs. It was a good point. Maybe it was him that needed to stop thinking so much. Of course, after Chris and Vern, who could blame him? "Okay, El, tell me something you want to do."

"We have to talk about it?" Stabler made a horrible face. "I'm not doing that."

Toby should've guessed that. He caressed the soft skin on Stabler's hip. "I guess it's a bad idea. Can I talk and you nod?"

"You do something. I'll groan to let you know if I like it, and then we'll switch." Stabler pushed Toby's hair off his face. "I'm very sorry that you don't like me to touch you. I didn't know or I'd have never gotten so physical."

Toby sat up and stared in astonishment. Stabler thought a few hard kisses were tantamount to abuse? Wow. This guy was something. "You didn't hurt me."

"I dragged you through the house and cuffed you to the bed. I'm sorry. I didn't know, but I was stupid not to think it. I've been dealing with abused people for years. I guess, I guess I just didn't put you in that category."

Toby sighed. "I'm sorry that it's true. In prison, sex was never, or rarely, about enjoying each other. Usually, it was about power. Even with Chris, and he did love me in his own fucked up way, part of it was about making sure I knew exactly how lucky I was."

Stabler took his hand away. "He's been dead for six years. Six years."

"And in prison, that seemed like forever and ten minutes. It's hard to explain." Toby splayed his hand on Stabler's muscular thigh and rubbed. "After him, I tried to avoid being raped. There was nothing else. No one else."

"Were you always successful?" Stabler's eyes were large and intensely blue.

Toby nearly lied. He wanted to lie, but he couldn't, and his hesitation made the answer was obvious. "No," he breathed.

Stabler bit his lip. "Damn."

Toby kissed the leg he was rubbing. All this talk and his cock was still hard. So was Stabler's. Stabler had this look as if he had no idea what to say, but his hand was clenched in a fist. Toby had to say something. He hadn't wanted Stabler to know, but that had been a dumb idea.

"You can touch me, just, just, don't grab, okay?"

"I promise." Stabler didn't immediately touch him though. Toby wasn't sure that Stabler would. The clock ticked and not much happened. A shower seemed like a good idea, but Toby waited to see what would happen. He waited and gently kissed here and there. Was he really so scared to be touched? Or was it just Stabler?

Toby suddenly sat up again. He had to know. "Get the cuffs."

"No. Absolutely not." Stabler shook his head. He meant it. He did. Toby could tell, but it was important for him to know. He had to know if he could trust Stabler. Trust Elliot. Was it possible?

"You don't understand. Listen. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you with my body." Toby took a deep breath. Stabler looked like he might say something and Toby stopped him. "No! I have to know if I can do it. If I can't, I'll make other living arrangements. All or nothing, Elliot. Isn't that what you want?"

Stabler got off the bed, moving decisively away from him. "It was, but it isn't now. I don't want to hurt you. The rest is all bullshit."

Toby followed after him. "Please. Get a good grip and please yourself for a change. I have to know if I can handle it."

"You're a damn idiot, Toby. Good sex isn't about one person dominating the other. It's about two people enjoying each other! All I wanted was the chance to make you happy!"

Toby just stared at him. He had to think for a minute. His heroin damaged brain needed to process that. "I like being dominated."

"I sincerely doubt that. You got used to it, but it isn't what you like." Stabler moved to him and rested his hand on Toby's heart. "You've been hurt so badly that you don't know any longer."

Toby wanted to lash out at him. Shove him down. Hurt him. "How could you say such a horrible thing to me?"

"What? The truth? That you were hurt?" Stabler slipped his hand around Toby's side and hugged him gently. "I've been hurt. So have you. I just thought that if we were going to roll around in bed, it should be give and take, not you give and walk away."

Toby put his forehead on Stabler's shoulder. Stabler didn't understand. Toby didn't give. He took because he didn't have anything left inside to give. "Elliot, you give. I don't. Not yet."

Stabler tucked Toby that much tighter. "You're wrong. You give it all away in the vain hope that you can sleep at night if you're empty. Trust me."

Toby didn't think he could do that. Trust him? Really trust him to be right? "You do the same thing?"

"I guess so, or at least that's what my shrink says." Stabler kissed Toby's head. "Tell me. What do you want from me? But only one thing, I'm still injured here."

Toby pushed his face even closer and tried to think. It didn't work very well. "Could you, uh, lick me a little?"

Stabler laughed . "Sure."

Toby let Stabler lead him back to bed. This wasn't going to be as easy as it sounded. He had to lie there and like it, instead of sucking him off and going to work. Damn. Stabler was right. He brushed his hand over Toby's eyes. Toby kept them shut. It would make it easier for them both. He hoped. 

********

Stabler wasn't sure what to do, now that Toby was willing to let him do something. The cast was still in the way, and he wasn't sure about positions. He rolled his eyes and said, "Toby, I need some help here."

Toby laughed, opened his eyes, and sat up. "See, it ain't easy being a top."

"Even from the bottom." Stabler tried to smile, but couldn't manage it. He hated to give up, but they were both too tense to accomplish much. "It's getting late. I have to get to work."

Toby glanced over at the clock. "Yeah. Me too. We could meet for lunch."

"You and me?" Stabler had a hard time believing that Toby had suggested it.

"Yeah, dumbass." Toby went to start the shower. "I'll bring lunch over to the precinct."

"Something good. Nothing healthy, okay?" Stabler found the plastic wrap and started on his cast. Shit, he hated this thing.

"I promise." Toby got in first and got wet. Stabler was right behind him. They worked on getting clean, and neither of them mentioned their erections, until Stabler couldn't take it another minute. He sank to his knees, refused to look up for approval, and kissed Toby on the belly button. Toby blocked the water, and he stood very still. Stabler didn't want to hear him beg, but a groan or two would be nice. He hesitated another second and then used his mouth, not his tongue. Toby did groan. It was loud. Stabler nearly laughed. He felt strange doing this, but it wasn't awful.

"El, pull away," Toby gasped.

Stabler didn't get the message, and then it was too late. He nearly choked from the flavor and surprise. Sitting back a little, he looked up. "That's it?"

Toby glared at him. "I was excited!"

Stabler laughed weakly, and Toby helped him up. Toby pulled him close for a hard kiss and then was down fast. The water smacked Stabler in the face, and Toby swallowed him.

"Damn." Stabler remembered not to grab Toby's hair, and he nearly yelped in shock when Toby pressed a finger inside him. It didn't hurt. God. No. "Toby, you're-." Stabler came hard and fast, nearly dropping on top of him.

Toby got up laughing, gently removed his finger, and washed his hands. "Now you can smile at work."

"Maybe you will, too." Stabler took a deep breath. He'd known the mechanics of the prostate gland, but it was still something of a shocker. "I'm done for the week."

Toby turned off the water and threw a towel on him. "Yeah, like I believe that. I gotta get moving."

"Go on, ya nutball. It'll take me longer." Stabler dried his hair and leaned against the wall. His knees wanted to tremble, but he refused to show it. "Wait. One thing."

Toby paused at the door. "What?"

Stabler crooked his finger at him and smiled when Toby came to him. Gently, Stabler wrapped his hand around Toby's neck, eased him close, and kissed him, thoroughly, top to bottom, back to front.

Toby pulled away slowly. His breath came fast and he groaned . "Thanks."

"No grabbing. I promise."

Toby looked away and back. "Thanks. I'll try to loosen up."

Stabler nodded and started removing the plastic. He might smile at work today. "See ya at lunch?"

"You bet!" Toby would be gone in a blink. He was probably already calling a cab. Stabler took his time, ate breakfast, and gave the cat some milk. He might be able to make it all day today, and he needed to. The case was getting somewhere.

*********

Toby stopped at a deli and ordered eight six-inch subs, chips and cookies. Stabler needed to eat, and there were always hungry cops around. Maybe Fin would like one. Toby refused to think about Benson. He wasn't talking to her.

Stabler didn't turn around until Toby put the food down on the desk. "Hey, Toby."  
"Busy?" Toby stared at the sheer amount of paperwork spilling across Stabler's desk.

"Trying to make heads or tails of several old cases." Stabler smiled at the food. "Is upstairs okay?"

"Of course. Get a couple of sodas out of the machine." Toby picked up the food again and raised his voice. "Fin, I brought some for you."

Fin looked away from his computer screen. "Why?"

Toby rolled his eyes. He should've just thrown it at him. Benson came breezing through the door, and Toby went upstairs before he was forced to talk to her. Stabler joined him after a few minutes. They glanced and shrugged simultaneously.

"How's work?" Stabler pulled a bag over. "This looks somewhat healthy."

"Work’s fine, and these are loaded with carbs and animal proteins." Toby popped open his soda and sat down at the table. "Toss me six inches."

Stabler choked off some laughter. "I may stick with chips and cookies."

Toby smiled. He was glad to see that Stabler didn't look tired. Fin came up the stairs slow and easy. Okay, he looked exhausted.

"Stabler, what the hell is up with Fin? He looks like shit."

"He pulled an all-nighter on a case, and he had to be in lockup for about six of those hours." Stabler surveyed all the choices. "Not a cheeseburger in here."

"It'd be cold. Just eat, ya whiner." Toby was glad he got the turkey.

"Where the hell is everybody?" Cragen raised his voice from below.

Stabler pushed his chair back and went to the rail. "Lunch. Come on up."

Cragen was right there two minutes later. "Beecher bought lunch?"

"It's okay to talk directly to him." Stabler ate some chips. Toby laughed. Cops were weird. Fin was just eating. He looked as if he might fall asleep.

"I know that." Cragen grabbed his own six inches and found a spot to sit. "How's the job, Toby?"

"Busy." Toby looked around and had this weird out of body feeling. What the hell was he doing here? Stabler tossed Fin some chips, and suddenly Benson was in the mix.

"Food? I'm invited, right?" She laughed nervously.

Stabler pointed and nodded. Toby made sure he didn't glare at her. "How's Munch getting along? I haven't seen him since he slept on Stabler's couch."

"He took a little time and went to Baltimore," Cragen said. "He'll be back soon."

Toby was glad to hear it. Munch had been a little intense, but nice enough. The food was disappearing, and Toby wasn't surprised when some cop he didn't even know snagged the last sandwich. He listened to them talk shop and only once caught Stabler staring at him. By the time the food was gone, Fin was stretched out on the old sofa. Toby hooked his thumb at him. "Did he catch the bad guy?"

"Yep, but he hates going to jail," Stabler said.

"Don't we all." Toby glanced at Benson. Why she hadn't left was a mystery.

Stabler used a napkin to brush some crumbs into a bag. "You ready to see Angus tomorrow?"

Toby didn't like discussing his personal life in front of her. "No. I'm thinking I'll slink in and hide."

Stabler smiled a little. "You gotta talk to him. He's your family."

"He hates me. I don't blame him, and I don't see how I can change it." Toby wouldn't even look at her.

"Give him time. You haven't been out that long. He still probably thinks you're tucked away somewhere safe." Benson had to open her mouth.

Toby didn't appreciate the pep talk. She had no idea, and she didn't need one. He narrowed his eyes at Stabler and said, "Oz isn't what I would call safe, but I'm sure you meant that they were safe from me."

"I did." Benson shrugged. "Don't push him to accept the cleaned-up version. All he sees is the addict. The drunk that-."

"That's enough, Olivia," Stabler said. "Toby knows all that, and the addictive behaviors aren't the source of the problem."

Toby realized his soda can was bent in half. He put it down without throwing it at her. He didn't know what Angus saw, but maybe it was time to find out. "This was fun. I'm thinking never again." He got up and threw some trash away.

Stabler eased to his feet and gave him a hand. "Next time, I'll deliver for you and your friends."

Toby laughed at the idea that he had friends. "You're a funny guy, Elliot. Okay, I'm gone."

Benson stepped in his way. "Stay clean, Toby. Don't let them down again."

Toby didn't answer her. He moved around her and went down the stairs. It was obvious that Stabler and her had kissed and made up, or whatever the hell cops did. She thought she had all the answers again. Stabler should have kept his mouth shut. It wouldn't have killed him.

Toby's cell phone rang, and he checked the number before opening it. "Toby's not available."

"Funny." Stabler hesitated a long minute. "She's making progress."

"She's making nice, but let's not discuss my family in front of her. Okay?" Toby started looking for a cab. "It's just one step away from you having to tell her about Chris and that better not happen."

Stabler sighed into the phone. "She read your file."

Toby snapped the phone shut. He was a trifle irritated at the situation. It was his fucked-up life, and while he didn't mind sharing it with Stabler, everyone else better stay the fuck out of it.

********

Stabler worked all afternoon, reading, organizing, and answering the phone. It was nice not to feel exhausted, and he hoped Cragen would give him his badge back soon.

"Hey, Elliot?"

Stabler put the file down and glanced over at her. He raised his eyebrows.

"I get the feeling there's more going on with you and Toby than just friendship. It's like you feel responsible for him or something." Benson's brow furrowed. "Is he a cousin that I don't know about?"

Stabler bit the inside of his lip. He looked around the half-empty squad room. There were still too many people. "Meet me in the other lounge."

She nodded and strolled off to get a cup of coffee. Stabler pulled out the bottom drawer and found Keller's file. He was going to tell her a few things, and if Toby found out, he'd have to live with it. She was his partner, and she could be trusted.

"What's going on?"

Stabler sat down right next to her and opened the file. "Meet Christopher Keller."

"Oh my God." Benson pulled it closer. "What the hell?"

"You and me, we're going to talk about this once, and it stays in the room, okay?" Stabler tapped the picture. "I need your word."

Benson took her eyes off the picture and looked at him. "Of course you have my word."

Stabler knew that was the truth. "Chris Keller was Toby's cellmate, and when Toby and I met over at Victim's Services, well, he fainted dead away."

"How is this possible?" She was scanning the file quickly.

Stabler reached, flipped through several pages to a copy of the birth certificate. It had taken a lot of digging to find it. He pointed. "See the address listed for the mother?"

She nodded. "So?"

"That's about six blocks from where I was raised." Stabler looked at the picture again. He would always regret this brother that he hadn't known and hadn't had a chance to save, but it had been finished before he got there.

"Toby and Chris. Were they lovers?" Benson went back to the beginning of the file.

"Yes," Stabler said. He had to tell the truth. "Chris killed himself, but there was enough suspicion to wreck any chance that Toby ever had of parole. Toby's family was so angry at the relationship that they wrote him off. It wasn't the drugs or the alcohol. It was Chris Keller. Toby's clean, and I hope he stays that way."

Benson gave him a long, steady look. "You're picking up your brother's slack."

Stabler thought that was a good way to put it, and it was possible that some of his motivation lay that way, and the rest of it wasn't any of her business. "If I did feel some responsibility for the things Keller had done, would you be surprised?"

"No." Benson shut the file. "Thank you, and I'll get off Toby's back. I know you'll watch out for him."

"I will. Chris would want that," Stabler said. He sure as hell would never tell Toby that, but Chris had been his brother, and that meant that he hadn't been all bad. They'd shared one thing - they both loved Toby.

Benson smiled a little. "Have you told anyone else in the family?"

"No." Stabler wasn't going to do that. "Stays here, right?"

"Yes. Toby doesn't need to know that I know." Benson pushed the file back to him. "You should have told me."

"We were busy, and it took me awhile to figure it all out." Stabler got up, grabbed the file, and opened the door for her. "My dad was a piece of work."

"Mine too." Benson gathered up her coat. "I'm headed home. You should too."

"Will do." Stabler locked the file away. He'd go over and pick up Toby. Tomorrow was Friday, and Toby was probably getting nervous. Hopefully, things would go better this time.

********

Toby smiled tightly at the young man sitting in front of his desk. "Dakota, if you're going to handle men's cases, you have to approach them from the position that they're not gay."

Dakota frowned. "But, they usually are."

Toby rubbed his forehead. What the hell kind of name was Dakota, and why the hell was he so stupid? "Are you gay?"

Dakota's pretty eyes shifted, and he pursed his pouty mouth. "They're usually gay!"

Toby had his answer. "Being raped or abused isn't about sexual preferences, it's about violence. If the first words out of your mouth are, 'Hey, you're gay,' the guy knows you think he deserved it."

"I don't think that." Dakota clutched the arms of the chair. "I just figured that- ."

"That gay men like it up the ass so much that they don't mind being raped?" Toby pushed his point home. "Stay in the closet, Dakota, but don't force it on these guys. They've had enough abuse."

Dakota swallowed hard. "I think I get it."

"I hope so. Now, give Mr. Jacobsen another call tomorrow and see if we can help him." Toby handed him the file. "Thanks, Dakota. You're doing good work."

Dakota nodded and went out the door. Toby wanted to bang his head on the desk. He was going to kill Karl for doing this to him. Dealing with people sucked.

"Nice job there," Stabler said as he came in the door. He put his ass in the chair that Dakota had just vacated.

"That was confidential." Toby made a note to shut his door more often. He wasn't used to having one. "You don't look too tired. Want to go out drinking?"

"Shut up." Stabler smiled at him. "Do you like supervising? And was that the guy with the lips?"

"No, and yes." Toby pushed his hair back and started cleaning off his desk. He might as well catch a ride with Stabler.

"Why not?" Stabler smirked.

"People, as a rule, suck." Toby shut his briefcase, stuck it under his desk, and got his coat. Tonight, he was just going home. "Suck, suck, suck."

"Dakota seems like a nice guy." Stabler was smirking. He was.

Toby didn't talk again until he was sitting in the car. "So, how was your day?"

"Good." Stabler was a man of many words. "You think Steve is done?"

"I can only hope so." Toby smoothed his hands down his slacks. He was ready to be home, and it felt weird. Usually, he wanted to do nothing but work. "I looked at some furniture on-line today. What do you think about bunk beds?"

"Not a lot." Stabler raised his eyebrows. "Why the hell would you buy those?"

"For your twins, you idiot." Toby had to smile. In between paperwork, calling clients, and talking to Dakota, he'd had plenty of time to fume about Stabler this afternoon. This argument was just for fun. What he was really pissed about was coming though. "I can use one of their beds, and we'll put the bunk beds in the room that Steve's going to paint."

Stabler shook his head. "They can share a full size."

"They're not the same sex." Toby had made up his mind. "Right now, we have three twins and one full, not counting the queen in your room. Let's keep the full for the older girls and get bunk beds for the twins."

"No. You were supposed to buy furniture for yourself, not my kids!" Stabler was starting to yell.

"I like them more than I do myself." Toby did, and he was glad to see that Stabler was yelling. "I'll keep the nicest twin bed, and we'll send the other two to the Salvation Army."

Stabler sighed loudly. "You already ordered them, didn't you?"

Now Toby laughed. "Yeah. They're nice, and if I get weird, I can pretend I'm back at Oz."

"If?" Stabler glared at him.

"Listen, if Chris and I had gotten married, they'd be my half-nieces and nephews." Toby watched Stabler's mouth fall open. That was the reaction he'd hoped for. "Well, we could have gone to Massachusetts."

Stabler's jaw clenched and his hands worked the steering wheel hard. Toby just let it happen. He was done talking for now, and he'd said enough until they got home. Stabler parked the car and got out to slam the door. Toby followed at a more leisurely pace.

"Send them back!"

"Nope. It's a good plan. Steve can help build them." Toby opened the fridge and stared longingly at the beer. He was not in the mood to cook. "Sandwiches, okay?"

Stabler reached past him and got a beer. "Don't fix me anything."

"Good idea." Toby got out the ham, cheese, lettuce, and mayonnaise. He took the time to fill the cat's bowl before his leg was chewed on. "What?"

"Married!" Stabler glared, and his eyes were mean as hell. "Keller wasn't ever getting out!"

"So? Proxy marriage." Toby stuck it hard and deep. It was time to get to what was really pissing him off.

"You loved him that much?" Stabler growled .

"You told her! You told her, you asshole!" Toby wanted to throw a plate at Stabler's fat head. "She came over to Victim's Services today to supposedly drop off some paperwork, and now she's all kind and considerate. My ass! You told her everything!"

"I didn't tell her we were fucking." Stabler sat down at the table and sipped his beer. "Make me one, will ya?"

Toby got out a knife and wished it were sharper. He made two sandwiches and only thought about throwing them. "Here, you fucker."

Stabler took them. "Thanks, asswipe. I had to tell her some of it! She's my damn partner!"

"Damn is right." Toby made himself a couple of sandwiches. "Well, now that you're just looking after your dead brother's prison wife, everything is fucking peachy keen!"  
Stabler was eating, but his eyes were saying angry things. Toby sat down, took a bite, and waited for hell to break loose. Stabler swallowed, took a drink, and quietly said, "Keller would want me to watch out for you."

"He sure as hell wouldn't want you to fuck me." Toby had an answer for that. "I belonged to him!"

"Well, you're mine now!" Stabler slapped his hand down on the table. Toby nearly spit bread all over the table. He sure as fuck hadn't expected that, and for some sick reason, it made him feel good inside. Stabler sighed . "Sorry."

"I don't think you are." Toby got up and got a Coke from the fridge. "Well, cuff me to the bed, I have a new husband."

Stabler finished eating, wiped his mouth, and smiled. "I saw the flash of a smile that went across your face. Somewhere, down deep, you like it that I love you enough to yell that."

"I'm fucked up." Toby hated that Stabler was so good at reading people. Damn cop. "I don't belong to you."

"I'm aware of that. You've made it clear that I have no claim on you." Stabler got up from the table. "So, did Keller belong to you too?"

Toby stopped breathing. He clutched the table and squeezed. The truth wasn't always an easy thing to see or talk about, and he wasn't sure he knew the truth.

"Never mind. I know the answer. My blood whispers it to me." Stabler left the kitchen. Toby heard the TV come on. He heartily wished that he'd moved out. Stabler was too damn smart. Toby threw his napkin away and took his Coke out to sit on the sofa. He guessed the fighting was over. It seemed sort of anticlimactic.

"What now?" Stabler muted the television.

"Usually, in Oz, after something like that, someone would get shanked or at least dragged to a supply closet and fucked by three or four guys." Toby put his soda down. He had to get out of these clothes. "Give me a minute."

Stabler didn't answer, and Toby went upstairs to change into sweats and a T-shirt. Going back downstairs seemed like a bad idea, but the pink paint was still there. He collapsed down on the sofa and took a drink.

"Get your shank?"

"Uh, no." Toby laughed. "So, you don't mind playing with your brother's broken toy?"

Stabler gave him an incredulous look. "What I mind is that he's the one that broke you!"

Toby's heart twisted. "My turn to be sorry."

"You've got nothing to be ashamed of. I'm the one that should be dragged into a supply closet. This whole thing, everything, it's all my doing. I practically stalked you and then bullied you into moving in here."

"And my life has so sucked." Toby rolled his eyes. "Stabler, shut up. Thank God I have you, even if half the shit you do is out of guilt for your brother."

Stabler frowned at him. "I don't. I do it because -."

Toby wasn't surprised that Stabler couldn't finish that sentence. "I'm yours."

"Maybe. Yeah." Stabler got up out of his chair. "Too bad you don't feel something for me. Guess my brother gets the last laugh."

Toby just watched him go upstairs. The TV droned on until he reached and snapped it off. Quickly, he went upstairs. He was still angry, but he wasn't sure exactly why. Stabler was stretched out on his bed in nothing but briefs and a cast. Toby leaned against the doorjamb and looked at him.

"Well?"

Toby shrugged. "I don't know. I thought after we fought about this that I'd feel better. Didn't happen."

Stabler scratched his stomach, but he wasn't being a tease. "If I were bleeding, would it help?"

"No." Toby went to the bed and sat down. He tentatively put his hand on Stabler's thigh and let it all stream through his damaged brain again. "I am yours, and it really pisses me off. I promised myself after Chris that no one would touch me again, not inside where it counts. I no more than get out, find a job, and am trying to make sense of who I am and there you were."

"Again."

"But not the same. It's like some episode of Twilight Zone that I can't wake up from." Toby looked away from Stabler's face. "And you being straight doesn't help."

Stabler sat up and put his hand on Toby's. "I'm straight?"

"As an arrow." Toby smiled. "I know because I've bunked with the you that wasn't straight."

"So why is my dick hard? You just might be the first of many. I mean, you're going to up and leave. Steve ain't so bad looking." Stabler's eyes were narrow and he looked angry again.

Toby just laughed . If he were smart, he'd be running, but he'd never been smart. "Okay. I give up. Get the cuffs. You can be mine."

"Geez." Stabler did the unexpected. He shoved Toby to the floor with his foot. The impact surprised him more than it hurt. "I know I don't compare to the great Chris Keller, but I ain't no damn stray cat. Get out of here. I've done enough begging and pleading for one day."

Toby got up fast. He'd made a colossal mistake, and right now, he wasn't sure what. "I don't want to leave."

"Too bad. Go sleep in pink or go to a shitty hotel, but go." Stabler seemed large and extremely dangerous at that moment. Toby wanted to yell at him, but it all stuck in his throat. Stabler pointed out the door. "I mean it, Toby. You're not welcome in this room."

Toby felt as if the air had been shoved out of his body. "Don't-"

Stabler turned away. His broad back said it all. He'd had enough. Toby walked out. What else could he do? They both knew how important it was to feel safe in a relationship. Stabler had always respected Toby's boundaries, and now it was Toby's turn to take a step back. Toby felt like running, but he only made it four steps before he slumped down the wall. He'd done this, in his arrogance. He'd wanted to fight, to argue, to make what they had less with angry words. It had felt good. He was sick. Christ.

"Go farther away." Stabler was right inside his door.

Toby wiped his face and got up. There wasn't anything he could say to make this better. He wasn't normal, never would be again, and at his best, he was fucked up. "You can't belong to me because you're not broken. Chris and I, we were both damaged, both crazy, but you, you're a regular guy. You expect normal things. You can put me on a leash and hook me to the side of the bed and I'm good with that, but for me to even think I own a piece of you is ridiculous."

"I think you talk too much." Stabler had his hand on the door. It would slam in another second. "You've forgotten what it is to tuck someone inside your heart and keep them there."

"Chris is in my heart," Toby choked out the first words that popped in his head.

"Got it. Good. I'm happy for him." Stabler shut the door hard. It was as if a bullet had gone through Toby's body. Toby went as far as Maureen's dark room before collapsing back down to the floor. Chris was firmly lodged in Toby's heart, but he'd made room for Stabler, for Elliot, right? Right? Stabler still loved Kathy. Couldn't he understand? Toby rubbed his face. He'd started this damn fight, and now he'd lost it. Lost him. And why was the big question. What did Stabler want from him? He didn't know. Reaching up, he pulled some covers over his body and curled into a ball.

_"For fuck's sake, Toby, get a damn grip!"_

_Toby shook his head. "I don't understand what I'm missing."_

_Chris threw up his hands. "He doesn't want a prag. He wants you to stay and love him for who he is, not because he looks like me. We're cute, ain't we?"_

_"Chris, shut up." Toby put his hands in his hair and pulled. "I said I wanted him."_

_"You insulted him. He ain't gonna let it slide like I always did. He's a real man." Chris shoved Toby against the concrete wall and suddenly there was a shank between them. Toby went completely still from fear. Chris smiled. "Yeah. I'll kill one of us. I love ya, but I'll do it to keep you."_

_Toby knew that was the truth. His mistake crashed over him. Stabler didn't want to own him. Stabler wanted to love him, and he wanted the same in return. He didn't want this type of insane love. Chris put the shank against Toby's throat. Toby gasped, and his throat closed. His heart beat faster. No air. No air._

Toby flailed awake and threw himself towards the downstairs bathroom. The comforter tangled his feet, and he tumbled down the stairs. Well, that was one way to get there. His head was huge, his heart felt like it might burst, and he could feel his stomach pushing up. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet and vomit shot out his nose. It burned, and he heard himself make a wretched noise - oh God - and a tiny bit of air squeezed into his lungs.

"Toby!" Stabler flipped on the light. Toby couldn't do anything but blink. Stabler wet a towel, put it against Toby's throat, and yelled, "Breathe!"

Toby jerked, wiped his face off, and tried to get away from him. Stabler pulled him into his lap and rocked him.

"Come on. Breathe. I will never argue with you again. You win. You win them all. I'll be a good dog. I swear." Stabler shoved Toby's hair away from his face. "Just breathe."

Toby did his best and managed it. It hurt, but he did it. Stabler stayed with him. It seemed to take forever before Toby could wheeze, "I'm sorry."

"Keep breathing." Stabler gave him a squeeze. "You break anything?"

Toby shook his head. He was going to have a bruise or two, but he was fine. "How'd you know?"

"Dickie fell down the stairs a time or two. It's not a sound that a father forgets." Stabler kissed the side of Toby's head. "Stay here. I'll get your pill."

"Okay." Toby should've had the strength to crawl upstairs and get it, but he didn't. His face felt like he'd puked acid. Stabler had a small cup of water, and Toby took the pill fast. He managed a sip of water. His throat ached. That had been the worst attack yet. Any worse and he might as well die. Stabler pulled him up, wiped his face again, and walked him out to the sofa. Toby sat down hard, and Stabler tucked him against his chest.

"Damn. I should have gotten me a pill too." Stabler kissed him on the forehead.

Toby couldn't talk. He sank into the strength and warmth. He could see it clearly now. He'd confused obsessive compulsive behavior with love. Well, who could blame him? It was what he'd lived with and understood for years.

Stabler didn't really get it. He'd thought they were talking about love, but they hadn't been, not the kind of love that Stabler understood. It was fucked up, but Toby saw the difference now clearly. He could love Stabler and Chris at the same time. Some part of him wished he could hate Chris, but it had never happened. Anger, yes, but hatred, never.  
Stabler's hand gentled over him. "Go to sleep."

Toby nodded. He was done talking, but he got it now. They would belong to each other, but in a good way. No cuffs and no insanity. His muscles began to relax, and he began to relax between Stabler's legs. He could breathe.

********

Stabler woke up when the sun came through the east window and stabbed through to his brain. He groaned , but didn't turn loose of Toby. He didn't ever want to turn loose of him. Toby might stop breathing.

"I feel like I got mugged," Toby whispered. He sounded awful.

Stabler could understand that. He brushed his lips over Toby's forehead and reached for his cell phone. Snagging the end of it, he flipped through the memory and pushed the number.

"Hi Karl, this is Elliot Stabler." Stabler felt Toby go completely tense, but that was too damn bad.

"Is everything okay?" Karl asked. He was a nice guy.

"Yeah. Toby's fine, but he fell down the stairs last night in the dark. I'm going to take him to the hospital and have him checked out. He'll probably come in Saturday. Okay?"

Toby squirmed, but Stabler held him. Karl exclaimed, "Wow! Don't let him come in! Did he break anything?"

"I don't think so, but one of us in a cast is bad enough. Thanks, Karl." Stabler shut the phone and tossed it over to his chair.

Toby relaxed down again. "Karl thinks I'm not capable of calling in sick myself."

"You should like a scratchy record. How about you don't talk today?" Stabler made sure his cast wasn't going to bump Toby on the head. Toby didn't try to get up, and Stabler was glad. Of course, the cat was weighing him down. Stabler didn't know where their argument last night had left them, and he didn't care. There was one thing he knew. He loved Toby, and if Toby didn't get it yet, well, he would.

The doorbell rang, and Toby sighed. He got off him, pointed at the stairs, and said nothing. Stabler got the message. He was in his briefs and nothing else. He went upstairs quickly, and Toby got the door.

"Hey, Toby, not much longer now!" It was Steve, and he sounded happy. Stabler went to get dressed. He was taking Toby to work with him today. This cold case could use Toby's unique perspective and later, they'd go to the game.

********

Toby felt like he'd been in a supply closet for a few hours with Vern and his gang. His throat and nose ached, his back hurt, and one of his legs protested every step. Damn. He smiled at Steve though and went to make some coffee. The cat followed after him, and Toby fed him first. No work for him today. Shit. What the hell was he going to do? Stabler had to stop calling him in sick. Toby rubbed his back. Damn. He hurt.

"Toby, quit staring at the ceiling and go get dressed. You're going to work with me today. I need your help on a case." Stabler headed straight for the coffee. "Please."

Toby noticed the please tacked on the end. Well, he didn't have anything else to do, and if Stabler needed help, it was serious. Of course, he could be lying. Toby went to get dressed. When he came down, Stabler pointed at the table. Toby sat down and ate toast.

"You're grouchy today."

"Don't talk. It hurts my ears." Stabler was on his second cup. He was raring to go, and Toby felt like crawling in a hole. Toby finished his food and did everything else he was told. Today, he was too tired to bother putting up a protest. Being Stabler's bitch was fine by him if it meant he didn't have to think. The ride into the city was slow, and he nearly fell asleep again, but he bumbled out and followed him into the station house. Mindlessly following him, he stopped when Stabler did.

"Go lie down and sleep a few more. I'll come get you at lunch." Stabler nudged him towards a bunk. "Okay?"

Toby looked around. "Yeah," he squeaked. Metal bunk beds. This was the crib that Stabler talked about occasionally. With the chain links across the window, it reminded him a lot of prison. He sank down and tried not to curl up like a baby. Stabler touched him briefly on the head and was gone. Toby sighed. He'd come whisker close to fucking up the only good thing that he'd had in his life for years.

*********

Stabler shut the door quietly and nearly bumped into Fin.

"You sleep in the crib last night?" Fin had coffee, and it smelled good.

"No." Stabler wondered how much to tell and then just went with the truth. "Toby had a rough night. He's going to rest a minute before he gives me a hand on a case."

Fin nodded. "Twelve years in Oz would make anyone sleep bad. I spent two weeks there and still have nightmares. The guy's got to be having a rough time."

Stabler looked back at the door. "He looks so yuppie that it's easy to forget he's been through hell."

"All the money in the world ain't gonna help him get over it." Fin shrugged, and they walked together towards the squad room. "If he can stay clean, he'll adjust."

"If?" Stabler was glad to hear Fin's opinion of the matter.

"Hey, he remembers how the heroin made it all better." Fin stopped to refill his coffee, and Stabler got a mug also. "The stress of getting out has to make him want it."

Stabler thought that was probably true, and it was something to remember. "I'll keep an eye on him."

"Good idea." Fin went towards his desk.

"Elliot! My office!"

Stabler knew he hadn't screwed anything up lately, so he went with a small smile on his face. "Good morning, Captain."

Cragen opened his desk drawer. "These, I believe, are yours." He pulled out a badge and gun.

Stabler picked up the badge first. It was silly to make a fuss over it.

"Go ahead and kiss it."

Stabler laughed. He had on a cut-up sweatshirt, so he'd wear it today. He clipped on his gun and said, "I got a case."

"Think you can handle it?"

"I'm well enough." Stabler headed towards the door. "Did you have to call in any favors this time?"

"Luckily for me, no." Cragen's attention was on something else. "Keep me up to speed."

"Once I get going, I will." Stabler went to his desk, found the chain, and put on his badge. He was a cop, and Toby was right. Stabler would do some good and live with the rest of it.

********  
Toby woke up with a start and had no idea where he was. He rubbed his eyes and wondered if this was a new protective custody cell.

"Coffee?"

Toby jumped and nearly fell on his ass. Stabler pulled him up by the shirt, and Toby managed to sit down again. "Christ."

Stabler handed him the coffee. "Sorry about the grabbing. Next time, I'll let you hit the floor."

Toby just rolled in his eyes and sipped. It wasn't too hot, and it felt good in his throat. He didn't say thanks, and he glanced around one more time. "I'm not in Oz." It wasn't a question.

"We keep meaning to decorate," Stabler joked and sat down next to him. "Feeling better?"

Toby nodded and cleared his throat. It did feel better. He was awake, and he'd figure out the rest of it in one second. "What?"

Stabler laughed. "Come on."

Toby made sure not to drop his coffee. He took the chair near Stabler's desk and didn't smile at Benson. She was staring and almost glaring. Stabler put a file in Toby's lap. Toby understood that. He flipped it open and started reading. The coffee helped him get his brain started.

"What's up, Toby?" Benson, being cheery.

Toby didn't bother with a rude answer. Stabler had something to say though. "Toby's so far under the weather that he wouldn't feel a monsoon."

"Sick?" Benson should shut up.

"He fell down the stairs." Stabler chuckled. "Scared the shit out of me."

"Very fucking funny," Toby said. He rubbed his throat. It was much better. The coffee was helping. Benson looked from one to the other and shrugged. She probably thought it was hilarious.

Stabler suddenly stood up and moved behind him. "Huang, got a minute?"

"Certainly."

Toby didn't even look. This was interesting, but he'd content himself with listening.

"The, uh, friend I was talking about the other day?" Stabler sounded slightly nervous. It was funny.

"The fellow who rents your garage. How is he?"

"Okay," Stabler lied. "He needs a new shrink. Can you recommend anyone?"

Toby nearly laughed. The look on Benson's face was priceless.

"He'd be a tough case. Not everyone would be qualified." Huang made a funny noise. Toby wasn't looking. Watching Benson was fun though. She was biting her tongue to keep from shouting and pointing. Huang continued, "Could I meet with him?"

"Why?" Stabler asked the obvious question.

"I take five clients a year." Huang paused. "He sounds like someone I could learn from."

Toby started laughing. He couldn't help himself. Benson's eyebrows were going different directions, and a therapist that used his clients to learn techniques was slightly frightening.

"Toby, shut up," Stabler growled.

Toby stood, turned, did a double-take, and laughed some more. "Are you by any chance related to Father Ray Mukada?"

Huang looked him over. "Tobias Beecher?"

"That would be me." Toby nodded. He figured someone had been mouthy around here lately besides Stabler.

"Ray is my first cousin on my mother's side." Huang frowned at Stabler. "Elliot, were you having some fun at my expense?"

"No. I wasn't sure Toby wanted to be outed, so to speak." Stabler moved slightly out of the way. "You two know each other?"

They both shook their heads. Toby spoke up. "I'm not enthusiastic about the idea of you experimenting on me, but if I got a discount, I'd consider it."

Huang frowned. "I didn't mean that. I only meant that I take cases that are going to stretch me."

"That's reassuring." Toby glanced at Stabler. "You two get along?"

"Of course," Stabler mumbled and went back to his desk.

Huang smiled tightly. "Elliot and I are on the same side. Here's my card."

"I like Father Mukada." Toby took the card. He walked closer to the lockers and was glad that Huang went with him. "I had a bad attack last night and fell down the stairs. That's why Stabler's acting weird," he said.

"You look tired." Huang stuck his hands in his pockets. "What happened to the therapist you had?"

Toby shrugged. "I told him the truth about how I felt, and he told me to get out."

"Ah yes, the truth."

"It set me free." Toby lowered his head and laughed. "If you can't handle Oz, don't sign me up."

"I can handle it." Huang sounded sure. "Did you take the Xanax last night?"

"Yes. It helps."

Now Huang spoke . "Toby, are you an alcoholic?"

Toby blinked in surprise. He'd figured that Benson had told everyone. "Yes."

"Stop taking the Xanax. It doesn't mix well with alcoholism. You're flirting with becoming addicted. I'll prescribe you something else, like Klonopin." Huang frowned slightly. "I mean it. Dump them."

Toby nodded slowly. He'd do it. Being addicted to anything frightened him, and he was glad of that. "I wasn't completely honest with my other psychiatrist."

"We'll work on it." Huang was very serious.

Toby thought that sounded more like a threat than a promise. He had definitely come to the right shrink. "How often would you have time for me?"

"Once a month is normal, but how about every two weeks for now?" Huang glanced at Stabler. "Don't move out, keep a regular schedule, and avoid situations that provoke extreme stress."

Toby pushed his hair back. "Okay. You call your cousin and get the inside information, and if you change your mind, let Stabler know."

Huang nodded. "Give me a business card, and my secretary will call you." He stuck out his hand. "I think you'll be number four and five."

"I won't disappoint you." Toby let his crazy grin out and shook Huang's hand. He dug out his wallet, handed over a card, and went back to Stabler's desk. "This precinct is starting to freak me out. If I meet one more person that looks like someone from Oz, I'm moving to Connecticut."

Stabler took the file from him. "You sure about Huang?"

"If he works here, he's seen the ugly side of life. I might be able to be honest with him." Toby shrugged. "If not, I'll find another one."

"I'm getting lunch today," Benson said and went to get her coat.

Toby rubbed his face and throat and watched her stride away. He was still tired. Days like these he knew that he was a wimp. "Thanks, El."

"What for?" Stabler played with his badge.

"Not throwing me out," Toby whispered. He put his head in his hands. "I didn't get it. I do now."

"Well, shut up about it." Stabler leaned back in his chair. "Whatever the hell it is."

"Did you shine that badge? It's blinding me." Toby got up. He needed to go think for an hour or two. "I gotta go lie down. There's a game tonight."

"You're supposed to avoid stress."

"I'm not listening." Toby headed back to the crib. "Oh, and the first case is completely unrelated. You're barking up the wrong tree. If I were you, I'd use the computer to cross check patterns."

"Thanks, asswipe." Stabler grinned. Toby went to a bunk and fell on his face. Some more sleep was the answer to his problem.

********

Stabler didn't bother Toby with lunch. He let him sleep, but around four, he took the food up to the crib.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah." Toby was awake, staring at the ceiling. "I always liked the top bunk, if I could get it."

Stabler passed the food up and sat down on the bottom bunk across from him. "Why?"

"Schillinger fucked my ass on the bottom one once too often." Toby opened the plastic container and started eating. "Did you flinch?"

"I might of." Stabler was glad Schillinger was dead. Otherwise, he'd have to go kill him.

Toby checked his watch. "Are we leaving soon?"

"You bet." Stabler pulled the sling off to give his neck a rest. He rubbed where it had been. "Huang ain't no pushover."

"I'll be fine, and don't worry. I won't tell him we sing in the choir together." Toby smirked.

Stabler hoped he understood that right. "I'm not worried. Huang and confidentiality go hand in hand. Are you going to be okay tonight?"

"I'm fine." Toby didn't sound all that convincing, but Stabler knew there was no talking him out of it. When Toby was through eating, he slid down and rubbed his leg. "Ouch."

Stabler shook his head. "And what was wrong with my bathroom last night?"

"You told me to get out." Toby stretched and glanced over towards the shut door. "I'm sorry. I fucked up. I didn't understand what you meant."

Stabler raised his eyebrows. "What did I mean?" He kept his voice low.

"You meant that we'd take care of each other. Watch out for each other. Love each other above the rest of them." Toby took a deep breath. "I thought you wanted me to do what you said and get fucked a lot. I really didn't understand."

Stabler played those words over twice in his head. "I think I'll just say okay and let it go."

Toby combed his long hair with his fingers. "Chris did love me, but it was different, and I see the difference now. You are mine, El, because I'd keep you in my heart even if you were gone."

Stabler smiled and pulled him close. "Good." One word was enough. He wanted to think about all of this again, but he felt better about it now and that's what mattered. Toby eased back a little, and Stabler let him go.

The door pushed open. "Hey, Stabler, the captain's looking for you."

"Thanks, Fin." Stabler picked up his sling. "Toby, get your game on."

Toby laughed, and Stabler went to see what Cragen wanted.

********

Toby picked up his coat and put it on. He'd had plenty of time to think. "Hey, Fin?"

"What?" Fin was almost out the door, but he stopped and looked back.

"We're going to a basketball game tonight. Want to go?" Toby wasn't sure what motivated him, but a buffer between him and Stabler was a good idea. It would keep them from saying too much, too soon.

"Where?" Fin had this way of tilting his head that made him look tough.

"My son's junior high school. I know Stabler's arm hurts after working all day. If you drove, it'd be a help." Toby had to give him a real reason.

"So, this ain't about us being buddies?"

"No." Toby knew Fin didn't even want to think they were friends. It was the heroin. Fin had to keep his distance. At least that was Toby's armchair diagnosis. Toby didn't smile. He waited to hear the answer.

"Your boy a starter?"

"You'd have to ask Elliot. I'm clueless." Toby made fun of himself to help Fin make up his mind.

"I'll go talk to Stabler." Fin strode off. He was probably going, and it was good news. Toby could sit in the back and try to come up with a strategy for dealing with Angus. It might be time to demand access to his children. He grabbed his trash and headed down to Stabler's desk.

Stabler and Fin both gave him a look. Toby tried to control his automatic prison reaction, but failed miserably.

"We ain't gonna frisk you." Stabler looked disgusted. "Give it a rest."

"We _could_ frisk him." Fin made a sound that was like a laugh, but all it did was make Toby blush. Toby pushed his hair back and stiffened his spine.

"Good job, Fin. He just put on his prison attitude." Stabler grabbed his coat. "I hate that."

"Think you'd be used to it," Fin cracked.

"He's always in the garage!" Stabler took his badge off and stuffed it in his pocket. Toby had taken a lot of shit in prison, so he was used to it, but here in a police precinct it didn't make him angry, just slightly sad that he'd screwed up his life to the point that cops made fun of him. Toby stuck his hands in his pockets, stayed quiet, and followed them out to the car. He took the backseat before Stabler could and put on his seat belt. Tonight, he was going to confront his brother. He was, and the good news was he had plenty of cops there to call an ambulance.

*********

This quiet version of prison Toby made Stabler nervous. Toby was planning something, and it might get ugly. Stabler could feel it in his bones. He was glad Fin was here to help keep an eye out. The last thing he wanted was for Toby to end up back behind bars for assault.

"How's your son, Fin?" Stabler asked to cut the silence.

"He's doing good at college. He's smarter than his dad." Fin didn't take his eyes off the road. "Your kids?"

"Pretty good. Dickie got in a fight last week and spent three days in detention." Stabler had wanted to shake his son. "He didn't start it or it would have been worse."

"Bet he finished it though," Fin said.

"Yeah. He did." Stabler had been proud of that. Dickie hadn't fooled around. "Toby's son, Harry, played some good ball last week. It should be a good game."

Toby was quiet. Stabler nearly sighed from frustration. Fin looked over his shoulder but said nothing. It was going to be a long drive to Connecticut at this rate. Stabler wanted to grumble and curse, but probably Toby had known that and that's why he'd invited Fin along. Damn it. So Toby understood now. Did he really? Stabler couldn't help but wonder what would happen the next time he dragged his fingers through Toby's hair. And not grabbing him was hard. Stabler wanted to grab, shove, thrust, and take. He'd begun to understand his dead brother very well over the last few days. It would be easy to blame it on Toby, and Stabler wondered if Keller had done that.

"Arm hurt?"

Stabler went ahead and told the truth. "It aches, yeah, but I'm down to one pain pill a day."

"That's good. Poor Munch ain't never gonna live down gettin' shot in the ass."

Stabler laughed with Fin. "You're right. He won't, but I bet he'll get some kind of commendation."

"The Golden Donut." Fin laughed again. "They're waiting until he gets back."

"You cops need lives," Toby said.

"Being a cop is our life. That's why none of us have wives and husbands," Stabler said. His marriage had lasted longer than most. Kathy had hung in there until the bitter end. How many years before the job shoved Toby out the door? Stabler glanced back at him. For some reason, he had a feeling that if Toby did leave, it wouldn't be about the job. Stabler adjusted his sling and knew it was the truth. Having a relationship with a man was completely different than one with a woman. The focus wasn't the same. It was more of meeting in the middle and less trying to make a whole. He rubbed a hand down his face. Maybe if he'd approached his marriage that way, he'd still be married.

"Next exit, Fin," Stabler said.

"Got it."

Stabler didn't look in the backseat again, but he was going to keep a close eye on Toby tonight.

********

Toby took a deep breath while Fin parked the car. He could do this. He rubbed his hands down his jeans and hoped he looked okay.

"Ready?" Stabler looked back at him.

Toby got out instead of answering. He watched Stabler clipped his badge on his belt next to his gun. "Why don't you leave that here?"

"No. Someone might steal it." Stabler had that look that said it was non-negotiable, and Toby saw Fin nod.

"You're both taking your guns in?" Toby wished his friends were janitors instead of cops.

"Well, yeah," Fin said, "but I'm a terrible shot."

"Oh, that makes me feel better." Toby shoved his hair back and tried to find his backbone. He had one, he did, he wasn't sure where he'd put it, but he did. It was very apparent that he'd rather face a pack of Nazis than his own children. "I have so much to lose."

"Really?" Stabler stepped close. "Doesn't seem to me like you have anything to lose."

Toby looked at both of them. "My little bit of nothing is better than nothing."

"I hear that." Fin looked away. "We going in or standing in the parking lot?"

Toby walked with them towards the door. It was early, but people were starting to go inside. He made sure he was breathing. This time was almost worse, no, it wasn't, but it still felt terrible.

They paid at the door, and Stabler pointed. "I gotta go that way."

Toby and Fin exchanged a look and a shrug. Stabler walked off towards the restroom, and Fin said, "Wait here?"

"Let's get some popcorn and drinks. He's going there next." Toby smiled. He felt a hand on his arm and turned that way. His face exploded, and he hit the floor hard.

Angus grabbed him and shook him. "You think you can bring your damn drug dealer here?"

Toby went blank for one instant, and then he saw Fin make his move. Damn it all. Toby used the strength gained from lifting weights for twelve years, wrenched up and away, and planted himself between Fin and his brother. "No, Fin! It's okay."

"It ain't okay." Fin had his cuffs and badge out. "You're under arrest for assault and battery."

Toby saw his brother turn whiter than a sheet. "No. You didn't see that." He wiped off some blood that was threatening to drip to the floor. "No."

Fin flipped his cuffs. "Yeah, I did. Detective Fin Tutuola, and who the hell are you protecting?"

"Angus Beecher, my brother." Toby noticed that Angus seemed incapable of speech. People pushed and shoved around them, trying to get a better look. Toby put his brother's back to the nearest wall. "Angus, make nice. I'm going to go wash my face."

"Get Stabler," Fin said. He looked thoroughly pissed off. Angus still wasn't moving. He looked scared. Maybe he saw prison flashing in front of his eyes. Toby went towards the restroom and made it in the door as Stabler was coming out.

"Damn it!" Stabler went back inside with him. "Angus?"

"Yeah. Go take care of it and let me wash the blood off, okay?" Toby didn't want to be babied, just left alone a minute. "Do not arrest him."

"Did Fin see it?" Stabler growled.

Toby pointed out the door and went to the sink. He wet some paper towels and held them to his face. Angus's class ring had cut his cheek open, and it was swelling up. Damn. He really had had a shitty day. Damn Angus anyway for being such a dickhead. He knew Toby was clean, or at least he should know.

"Let me look," Fin said quietly. Toby turned around and let him take control of his face. Fin shook his head. "You need a couple of stitches."

"Damn it!" Toby didn't want to miss the game.

"Stabler went to get the paramedics. They might have an idea, but he sliced you good." Fin applied pressure. "Hurt?"

"Well, yeah!" Toby sighed. Fin was very close, and there was a time it would have made him push back, but not today. For some reason, he trusted Fin. It was a little scary. A few minutes later, the paramedics burst through the door. They probably hadn't had any work all year. Fin backed away, and Toby groaned.

********

"What the hell were you thinking, Angus?" Stabler took him by the arm and marched him down a hallway until they were away from people. He intentionally shoved Angus against the lockers and put on his cop face. "Detective Tutuola can arrest you and press charges, and we don't need Toby's cooperation or statement!"

"I understand." Angus swallowed. "I - I - I thought he was Toby's drug dealer."

"You idiot! Toby's clean! And because Fin's black?" Stabler nearly slapped him. "Don't you have black people in Connecticut?"

"I didn't think. Holly and Harry are so vulnerable, and Toby's been in prison!" Angus stood up a little straighter. He was getting his legs underneath him.

Stabler was going to cut them off again. "After you do your five for assault, we'll see who's high and mighty. Turn around and spread them."

Angus held up his hands. "They'll disbar me!"

"Ask Toby about that and how it feels to be someone's bitch. All things you're going to need to know!" Stabler easily flipped him around. Angus was in shock. He should've been. Stabler patted him down. "It's that pretty blond hair."

Angus looked back at him. "Stabler, please, don't do this!"

Stabler pulled him back around. "A man has to pay for his mistakes, right? You wouldn't want me to let you off. No one ever let Toby off. You certainly didn't."

"We gave him every chance, and then he threw us all away for that damn Keller!" Angus still had his hands up.

"He made a mistake. Like you did. You made him pay for about six years. I'll try to get the maximum for you so you'll be about even. I feel better about this already." Stabler glanced down the hallway. Security would be here damn fast. "Who will get custody of the kids now? Let me think."

Angus began to sweat. His mouth opened and shut several times. "Please."

Stabler just smiled at him. "Toby never intended to sue for custody. All he wanted was to see them occasionally and be allowed to visit. He wanted so little, but I'm half-inclined to make sure that he gets the whole enchilada. I have a big house. Holly and Harry can come live there. The court would love that."

"Fuck," Angus whispered. "He didn't?"

"Of course not. You've convinced him that he's a piece of shit!" Stabler wanted to deck him. "And for some reason, he still loves you. I can't figure out which of you two got the brains in the family."

"What's the problem here?"

Stabler flashed his badge at the town cop. "This man assaulted a friend of mine."

"Angus!" The cop rubbed his forehead. "What were you thinking?"

Stabler backed away. He really was out of his jurisdiction. "Let me go check on him."

"Maybe we can make this go away." The cop smiled nervously. "Jim Randall, sheriff here."

"Elliot Stabler, NYPD." Stabler headed for the john. "Keep him there."

"Will do."

********

Toby could tell that the one paramedic knew his stuff. The other was hopeless. "Stitch it here."

"Well, we usually just transport." The guy looked at his buddy.

"I can tell you know how. Do it." Toby wasn't worried about the pain. "And hurry, the game is going to start."

"I'm the town vet." The guy flushed. "You sure?"

"I'm sure you're better than the fellow waiting for me at the local emergency room." Toby pointed at the kit. "Got the supplies?"

"Well, yeah. Okay, but don't tell anyone."

Toby nearly laughed. There was no place to sit, but they made do on the floor. It would be sterile enough. Two or three stitches were no big deal. The vet went to work. He did know his stuff.

"What the hell?" Stabler, and he sounded mad.

Toby kept his mouth shut. Fin stepped up. "Three stitches. Almost done. You arrest him?"

"Not yet. Thinking about it." Stabler got down and close. "Are you a doctor?"

"Veterinarian. He insisted."

Toby let the pain flow through him. It wasn't bad, not really. The vet snipped off the thread and put a fast bandage on. "Keep it clean and go see a doctor tomorrow."

"Thanks." Toby got up with help from Stabler. "Send me a bill."

"Just don't tell anyone, and we're even."

Toby nodded and went out with his face throbbing. "Where is he?"

"Hallway." Stabler pointed. "The local sheriff wants to make it all go away. Toby, use this to get time with your kids."

Toby was tempted, but he wasn't sure he was that kind of man, not out here at least. He went down the hallway, and the sheriff groaned.

"You sure did assault him, Angus!"

"Toby, I'm sorry." Angus did look sorry, but Toby figured it was less about him than it was going to jail. "Please."

Toby sighed. All the angry words and protestations and complaints disappeared. He didn't want to fight and argue. He'd done that for twelve years. All he wanted was some peace and quiet and to see his kids whenever he could. "I'm not pressing charges." He turned to Fin. "You didn't see anything."

Fin gave him a sharp look. "I might have been looking away, but give me a good reason to say it."

Toby brushed his hair away from his bandaged cheek. "It ain't easy having someone from the homosexual community in the family."

Fin hesitated. "Damn right." He shrugged. "I didn't see shit. Are we going to the game or not?"

"Game." Toby got in Stabler's face. "Leave it."

Stabler glared. "Five years as someone's bitch would change his attitude."

"Forget it. I'm not missing seeing my kids for this shit." Toby headed for the gym. The sheriff stepped close to Angus and started talking fast, but Toby didn't care. He bought some popcorn and a soda and went to find a good seat. Stabler stayed right with him and glared twice. Toby finally smiled. "El, you had a brother that was a loser too."

"Angus better back off."

Toby laughed. Stabler had picked the wrong brother. Fin took the popcorn from Toby and said, "Which one's your boy?"

Toby pointed him out. They were warming up. Good thing he'd gotten here early enough to be assaulted and not miss warm-ups.

"Dad!" Holly came up the steps fast. "What the hell happened?"

Toby pulled her close and hugged her. "No cursing, young lady. Did you have a good week?"

"Yeah. I worried about you." Holly frowned and gently touched his face. "I was right to worry."

"Toby fell down the stairs last night. It was an accident," Stabler said. "He'll be fine."

Toby thought it was interesting that Stabler covered for Angus. Well, more likely, Stabler was protecting Holly from the reality of two angry brothers. Toby kept his arm around her. "I missed you too. How are your grades in school?"

"A's. School is easy." Holly twinkled at him. "Boys. Now boys are hard."

Toby wasn't sure he could stand to hear about it, not today. His leg ached, his back hurt, and his face felt like someone had sliced it open. He bit back a sigh and smiled at his daughter. His daughter.

"Holly, your mom wants to talk to you," Angus said. He'd shed his coat and some of his attitude. "Hey, Toby."

"Hi Angus, good to see you." Toby stood and put out his hand. "I was telling Holly that I fell down the stairs last night."

"Ouch." Angus shook Toby's hand. "Good thing Stabler was around to help out."

Toby nodded. "Good thing. Go on, Holly."

Holly trotted off, and Angus just looked at him. Toby sat back down. He wanted to watch the game, not talk.

"Angus, your wife is waiting for you. She looks pale," Toby said.

Angus went to her quickly. His shoulders hunched. Stabler gave Toby a nudge. "Here they come."

Toby saw Harry scan the crowd, and then their eyes met. Harry gave him a big grin, and it was the sweetest thing Toby had ever seen. Stabler laughed . Toby felt his aches and pains drain away. He was with his kids. Close enough.

********

Stabler enjoyed the game, but he didn't leave Toby alone again. One piss break and Toby had ended up with three stitches. Stabler still couldn't believe that a vet had put them in, and Toby hadn't even looked like it hurt. Was he crazy? Okay, that was the wrong question. Stabler dug in his pocket. Hadn't he stuck a Demerol in there this morning?

"Take this." Stabler held it out.

Toby looked at it for a second and then took it. "Thanks. I feel like I was hit by a bus."

"You'll sleep tonight." Stabler craned his neck. "Angus still won't look over here."

"He's scared of you." Toby used his best wiseass voice. Stabler hoped so. If it would help, he'd use it. He still wished Angus had at least spent the night in a holding cell. That had been assault and letting it slide didn't sit easy.

"I should've-."

"Shut it," Toby interrupted. "This game is close. Help me here."

"If it's a tie, they go into overtime, but that ain't gonna happen. Watch." Stabler smiled. Harry's team was still going strong, and their opponents were panting. "Fin, who's gonna win?"

"Toby's team." Fin nodded. Stabler was glad that Holly spent most of the game sitting by Toby, chattering up a storm. Toby needed it, desperately. It would keep him sober and give him the strength to stay clean.

"You'll have to have Holly and Harry over to the house once the renovation is done," Stabler said.

Holly's eyes widened. "That would be cool. Is that why you fell down the stairs?"

Toby shrugged. "It was dark. I might have tripped over a tool. I'll talk to Angus, but it may be awhile."

Stabler thought that was an interesting mixture of lie and truth. He did hope that Toby's kids would come over. Maybe even when the twins came to stay. It'd be exhausting, but fun and Kathy would have no room to complain. The point spread eased out to eight, and he knew it was over. Harry's team was better coached.

"We're going down to the floor," Toby said and stood. "No. Stay put."

Stabler nearly grumbled a curse word at him, but he stayed behind. Fin leaned over. "I ain't never had so much fun watching white boys play ball."

"I say we arrest him." Stabler grinned at him.

Fin nodded. "You didn't see it, but Toby was down, nearly out, and then bang, he was up, shoving his brother against the wall and facing me down."

"Toby?"

"Fast and strong. He completely dominated his brother, who ain't no lightweight." Fin shook his head. "I was so surprised that I nearly dropped my cuffs."

Stabler bit the inside of his lip. "That Toby?"

"Oz made that yuppie into something. Hell if I know what." Fin went back to studying the game. "He's your friend, right?"

"You still mad about that?" Stabler had a hard time envisioning Toby being tough, but it was possible.

"You ever need a hand. I'm around." Fin got up. "I gotta go use the facilities."

Stabler laughed. "I'll meet you at the car." He was glad to hear he had some backup. Never know when it might come in handy. Toby and Holly were by the gym door, talking, and Stabler wanted to go punch Angus in the mouth. When the horn sounded, he saw Toby's miniscule flinch and started down the stairs. Angus wasn't getting another shot at Toby tonight.

*********

Toby hurt his face smiling when both Holly and Harry hugged him after the game. It was like some of the dreams he'd had in Oz, but real, very real. Harry talked almost fast enough to beat out his sister, and Toby couldn't help but laugh.

"Harry, go get changed. Holly, go find your mom," Angus said, coming up from behind.

Harry nodded and waved as he left. Holly kissed Toby on the cheek and dashed off. She stopped and made a gesture that meant she'd call him. Toby noticed Stabler lurking not too far away. "Okay, now you can call me a faggot and say you hate me. It's safe."

Angus looked down and sighed. "Toby, I'm sorry I hit you. I swear I just lost my mind for a minute."

"You really think I'm snorting heroin again?" Toby leaned against the wall and shoved his hands in his pockets. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear this answer.

"No. I know you're clean. You live with a cop!" Angus rubbed his forehead and stepped closer, so they were completely out of the way. "I've been so worried, and it all boiled out."

Toby could see that. "They're yours. You have everything of mine: my old job, the house I lived in, and my kids. Can't you throw me a bone?"

Angus clenched his fist.

"Angus, I've been in prison. I can hurt you. Use your brain before you use your fist. You had your free shot at me," Toby said. He didn't want to hurt his brother, but he wasn't going to be anyone's punching bag, not again.

Angus's eyes twitched and he grimaced. "Do you think you scare me?"

"I know I do." Toby didn't smile, grin, or attempt to look crazy. He didn't need to. "I'm not suing for custody or even visitation rights. For some reason, I believe that sooner or later you're going to remember that we're brothers and brothers stick together."

"Even after all you've done?" Angus looked away.

Toby looked right at Stabler and winked. "Yes. My mistake was trusting someone I loved. You, on the other hand, made the conscious choice to turn your back on your own flesh-and-blood. I forgive you, and I think you'll do me the same courtesy at some point."

"There's no game next Friday." Angus sounded angry.

"I looked up the schedule on the internet." Toby gently scratched the bandage. It itched. He waited for Angus to make up his mind. Angus looked down at his hand, the one with the ring on it. Toby didn't push him.

"Holly is saying now that she's going to college in New York." Angus frowned. "I thought maybe you'd move to Connecticut."

"You told me not to," Toby said with quiet intensity. "I like my job in Manhattan. I intend to stay there. Stabler is having the garage renovated into a real apartment."

Angus let out a big whoosh of air. "I need time to think about all this."

Toby could understand that. "Six years wasn't long enough, I guess. I'm going home. After falling down the stairs and having my face pummeled by you, I'm tired."

"You really fell down the stairs?"

Toby started walking towards Stabler. "Yeah. I couldn't breathe, and I tripped. It was embarrassing."

"You couldn't breathe?" Angus wasn't walking away from him.

Toby let his eyes smile at Stabler. "Being out of prison is tougher than you'd think."

"Please apologize to the other detective for me," Angus said to Stabler. "And thank him."

Stabler frowned. "I will. If I ever see it, you're going away. Enough people have beaten up Toby for a lifetime or two."

"Let's go." Toby rolled his eyes. "You know I deserved it."

"No one deserves that much! Not even you!" Stabler started for the door. Toby fell in beside him. Angus faded away. Toby didn't stare after him. Tonight was a start. It might never go any further, but he'd be able to see his kids now. He knew it. Fin had the car warmed up and Toby claimed the backseat again. It was dark and quiet. Stabler and Fin exchanged a few comments, but not much, and Toby finally just curled up on the seat.

********

"Thanks, Fin." Stabler stuck out his hand. He was glad he'd had someone there tonight.

Fin shook it and shrugged. "No big deal. You give Toby some meds?"

"Yep." Stabler grinned. "He needed some sleep. I'll catch up with you later."

"We'll kick down some doors." Fin went towards his car. Stabler laughed and started for home. When the garage door was down, he got out and open Toby's door. Toby didn't move. He was sound asleep. Stabler was tempted to leave him there, but it wasn't a good idea.

"Toby, come on." Stabler shook him gently. "We're home."

Toby opened his eyes, just a little. "Chris, would it have killed you to stay dead?"

Stabler blinked in surprise. He gave him a tug. "It's Elliot, you idiot. Get out before I cuff you and drag you."

"Fuck!" Toby sat up fast. He stumbled out the open door. "Sorry. I thought you were a dream."

"Obviously. You dream about him a lot?" Stabler wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Toby yawned and stretched. "Occasionally. Last time, he told me that you were a real man, not like him, and then he put a shank to my throat and said he'd kill me to keep me. Not long after, I fell down the stairs."

Stabler pulled him towards the stairs. "Up, not down."

"Funny." Toby trudged up. Shit, he was tired. Stabler stayed with him. "My face hurts."

"No surprise. Doctor for you tomorrow." Stabler hesitated in the hallway. "You want to sleep with me?"

"Could I try?" Toby asked . "I know you're still mad."

"I'm over it." Stabler put his arm around him. "Chris was a real man, right?"

"He thought he was shit, and not in that way that some guys say it for sympathy. He knew he was a terrible person, and it hurt him every day." Toby started undressing. 

Stabler started on his own clothes and listened. He was always conflicted about Keller. Hearing it made it real and it didn't always feel good. "But he didn't change."

"I honestly think he tried, but it was as if he couldn't catch a break. By the end, I think he was glad it was over." Toby sighed and came to help him. Stabler let him. They got in bed together, and Stabler was glad that Toby curled into the back of him. Toby said , "Sorry, Elliot."

"I'm sorry too." Stabler shut his eyes and hoped Toby dreamed about him and kept breathing all night. It must have happened because he wasn't woken up by Toby hitting the floor. No, that's not what woke him up. His dick was hard and pressed right up to Tony’s boxers. "Don't even sneeze, Toby."

Toby laughed . "Oh, sorry." He rolled away and stretched. Stabler went to his back and watched him. Toby had a bruise on his back the size of his palm, and he must have irritated his face because the bandage was a little bloody.

"Hey, instead of making each other smile, let's call your doctor." Stabler went ahead and touched him though, right on the chest.

Toby rubbed his back and his leg. "I don't have one. Well, a shrink, but Huang doesn't count. There's a free clinic over on eleventh. I'll go there."

Stabler sat up and tried not to glare at him. "What is it with you?"

"You wouldn't have a doctor if you didn't have kids. I hadn't even thought to get one." Toby ran his hand over his face. "Wow. That hurts."

"I bet." Stabler did some thinking. "Let's go over to the emergency room. I can get you in fast."

"Why don't you stay home and take it easy and I'll go spend the day in the emergency room?" Toby got out of bed slowly. "I hate being babied about as much as you hate being loved."

Stabler rubbed his eyes. "Throw that in my face." He put his feet on the floor and rolled his shoulders. "Stubborn man."

"Yeah, like I have the corner on that market." Toby was in the bathroom, peeling his bandage off. "Shit!"

Stabler nearly winced. It looked bad. "That's going to scar."

"My baby face is ruined." Toby looked at him and laughed. Stabler went to him and gave him a gentle kiss. Toby took hold of him and leaned. "Thanks."

"You're weird, Beech." Stabler looked closer. "Had a tetanus shot lately?"

Toby seemed to be thinking about it. "In Oz, not long after I got there."

"Time for another." Stabler kissed Toby's neck. "How do you feel about Angus this morning?"

"We'll get there. He's my brother. I'm not going to give up on him." Toby took a deep breath. "Let's fuck."

Stabler twitched and then laughed. "Look at us. Me in my cast, and you in your stitches. We're both idiots."

"Yeah." Toby kissed him. Stabler looked down Toby's body, and Toby smiled. "I need it."

"And then we'll go to the hospital?" Stabler wanted to make sure they both had the same schedule.

"And I'll stop by work." Toby nodded. "Just don't hit my face."

Stabler was going to be very careful. "You want me to top?"

"I love it when you try to make gay jokes." Toby went back to the bed, and Stabler was one step behind him. Stabler had that familiar half-shy and half-aggressive thing go through his body for the umpteeth time. He pushed the shyness away and focused on the desire. He wanted so much.

"Can I do a little grabbing?" Stabler asked as he pushed his briefs down.

"No, but you can wrap your hand in my hair and tug. I liked that." Toby's blue eyes glinted at him. "Grab a condom."

Stabler hadn't thought that Toby had meant they'd fuck. Obvious, he had meant it. Well, that put a new light on the morning. Stabler got a condom and the lube. He tossed them on the bed. "You ever going to demand my ass?"

"I thought about it." Toby got on his stomach, stretched out, and seemed to relax. "I decided against it."

"Don't like me all that much, huh?" Stabler resisted the urge to look back at his ass. It wasn't that bad.

"You have a great ass." Toby smiled at him. "I decided not to demand it. That's all."

Stabler felt a pulse of something go through his groin. "Oh."

"Yeah." Toby spread his legs. "Whenever you're ready." He laughed. Stabler got on the bed and looked down at him. Toby was not going to take control this morning. He was going to wait and see what happened.

"Meow!"

Stabler glared at the cat. "This isn't a good time, furball. Beat it."

The cat walked over Toby, sat down on him, and looked smug. Stabler groaned. He didn't want an audience. Toby sighed. "I'm getting cold here."

Stabler bit him on the leg.

"Hey! One of you nutballs is enough!" Toby reached back and pushed at him. The cat ran, thank God, and Stabler bit his way up, but not hard. Toby squirmed and shoved. It was funny enough that it took the tension out. Stabler put on the condom fast before he thought about it too much and smeared the lube. Toby gave a soft grunt when Stabler pressed his finger inside him.

Stabler could barely think now that his dick knew what was coming. Damn. Tingles raced all over him and his breath came quick. He couldn't balance on both arms. God. He shoved anyway.

"Damn!"

Stabler held still as long as possible, which was about two seconds. His arm strained, but he ignored it and pumped his hips. He wished he knew if Toby was having a good time, but all he could do was move and gasp. Before his arm gave out, his dick exploded, and he nearly fell on him. Oh God. He moaned. 

"Go to the side. You're crushing me."

Stabler went to his side and rested his cast on Toby. Breathing seemed like work, but he kissed Toby's neck. Toby shoved back hard, and Stabler watched him caress himself. When the cast was gone, he'd do that for him. Stabler kissed and sucked gently, moving his hips a little. Toby gasped and came. It shot up him. Stabler whispered in Toby's ear, "Feel good?"

"Yeah." Toby relaxed down. He didn't talk, but his hand squeezed out all of it. Stabler moved enough that he could play with Toby's hair, tugging a little. Toby gave a sigh. "I need some sleep now."

Stabler gave him a look. "Get up or I'm biting you again."

"I think I liked it." Toby groaned, got up enough to kiss him, and blinked. "Ouch."

"Yeah. You're a mess." Stabler moved away slowly and went to clean up. Toby was still on the bed when Stabler finished, and he threw a wet towel at him. "Do I need to dress you today?"

"I think so." Toby slowly wiped off his stomach and chest. "That was nice."

Stabler wasn't sure he wanted to talk about it. "I didn't hurt you?"

"Shit, El, I'm not a flower." Toby threw the towel back at him. Stabler had no idea what to say next. In the last twenty-one years he'd had sex with two people - of different genders. Toby got out of bed and stretched. "I don't have strength to discuss it today. Maybe next week."

"Thanks." Stabler didn't want to talk about it either. He'd learn as he went, but it was becoming obvious that the after sex cuddling and talk could probably be skipped. Toby went out the door, and Stabler began the search for clean underwear.

********

Toby hated going to the doctor, but even worse was going to the hospital for any reason. He balked at the front door. "No, I'm not going."

Stabler jingled his keys. "Your face might rot off."

"I'm good with that." Toby tried to walk away, but Stabler's chest was in the way.

"Okay. I'll call a bus." Stabler got out his phone. "I have them on speed dial."

Toby looked him in the eye. Stabler meant it. The shithead. He would do it. Toby wasn't sure he was ready to give in gracefully though. "Okay. I'll go, if you stay here."

"You think I'm an idiot?" Stabler laughed at him. "I'll go start the car. If you're not out by the time the door's up, I'm calling an ambulance."

"Fuck." Toby quit trying. Maybe he could duck out once they got to the hospital. They were going to be there for hours and hours. Some stupid, young man would glance at him, declare him fine, and walk off. The bill would be exorbitant and all for nothing. It was ridiculous. Toby heard the door start to go up. He bolted for the car, got in, and buckled. "I hate you."

"I don't mind." Stabler took him straight to the hospital. No detours to the precinct. Toby looked at his face again the mirror. Sure, it looked bad, but it was fine. He felt fine today. Well, he ached, but he was pretty good. Last night had been a victory, of sorts. Angus had finally listened, and Holly and Harry had been glad to see him.

"Um, about last night, thanks for everything you did, and didn't do." Toby wanted to say it once. "Things might get better now."

Stabler shrugged. "Can't get any worse."

"You'd be surprised." Toby gave a soft groan. "Do we have to do this?"

"You're really whiny today. I thought I made you smile." Stabler parked the car. "Get out."

Toby did, but he grumbled a few curse words under his breath. Stabler went with him to the desk and before Toby could open his mouth, Stabler opened his.

"Is Dr. Mathis in today?" Stabler flashed his badge.

Toby frowned as the nurse checked a schedule. "Yes, do you want me to page her?"

"Please." Stabler gave the nurse a stellar smile. Toby went to sit down. He wasn't needed, not yet. Later, he'd hand over the contents of his wallet. It made sense that Stabler would be cozy with a lady doctor though. Fifteen minutes later, an actual doctor came into the waiting room. It was a woman, and she was beautiful, of course.

"Elliot! Good to see you. How's the arm?"

Stabler smiled. "Elisabeth, I'm much better." He knocked on the cast. "They will take it off at some point, right?"

"I think so." She smirked. "What do you need? More pain pills?"

Stabler made a sharp gesture, so Toby went over there, reluctantly. "Could you make time for my buddy, Toby, here?"

She looked him over. "Of course. Come in back." She was all business now. "You weren't up to waiting three hours?"

"Well, with my bad arm and his bad face, we might have both passed out." Stabler chuckled in that way that was so sexy.

Toby tried to control a small groan of disgust and followed them to an exam room. She made him sit. "Tell me what happened."

Toby wasn't going to do that. "I fell down the stairs."

Stabler sighed deeply. "He did fall down the stairs, but he also got in a fist fight and a ring cut him open. The paramedic was a veterinarian and before I could stop either of them, he had three stitches."

Mathis groaned. "Okay, then, what else?" She made a motion. "Shirt off."

Toby glared death at Stabler. Stabler glared right back at him. "Take it off, Toby."

"There's going to be payback for this." Toby took his shirt off. She looked and frowned, pressing gently. Toby flinched. It hurt.

"Pants?" She looked at Stabler, bypassing Toby altogether.

"He limped a little, but I don't think it was bad." Stabler was going to pay for this. Toby was going to sic the cat on him.

She sighed and looked at him. "Does it hurt?"

"Just a bruise. I'm not taking my pants off, not for any reason." Toby wasn't budging on that. "So forget it."

Stabler rubbed a hand down his face. "He means it."

"I can see that. Elliot, get out." She pointed at the door. "Go on. I'll be nice. I promise."

Toby tried not to hunch. He hated feeling this vulnerable. Stabler left with a look that told him to be good. Toby nearly gave him the finger. Mathis smiled at him. "You hate doctors."

"Pretty much, but Stabler seems to like you." Toby tried to smile. "I was willing to wait."

"Elliot and I are old friends." She crossed her arms. "A veterinarian?"

"I was in a hurry. Can we get this over with?" He wanted his shirt back. She nodded and went to work on him. Toby put up with it.

********

Stabler went back out to the lobby and got a magazine. Elisabeth would take care of Toby. That was certain.

"Hey, got a checkup today?"

Stabler turned, surprised to see Benson. "No. Toby did."

She sat down. "Stairs, huh?"

"Yeah. I saw him with his shirt off. I think he cracked a rib." Stabler wasn't completely lying. "Got a case?"

"Yeah." Benson smiled. "I miss my partner."

"I'll be up to speed soon." Stabler missed it too. "Who are you with?"

"Fin. He'll get here." Benson pointed. "There he is."

Stabler smiled at Fin. "Hey."

"Hey. How's Toby?"

"With a doctor. He'll be fine." Stabler wasn't worried about that.

Fin nodded. "If he ever pulls a shank, you run, okay?"

Stabler laughed. Fin smiled, a little, and Benson looked confused. They went to work the case, and Stabler went back to his magazine. A shank, huh? That wasn't going to happen, but it was interesting to know that underneath that mild exterior lay a man that would fight to protect his own. Stabler respected that. Toby had made some terrible mistakes, but down deep, where it counted, he was a good man. He was. Stabler had made some mistakes too, and people were dead because of him, but if there was hope for Toby, maybe there was hope for him. He could be a good man. Not a loser. Not a pansy. Not a wimp or any of the other things his father had called him. It was possible.

********

Toby rubbed the band aid on his arm carefully.

"I know it hurts. It'll be sore for a few days, but eleven years means you needed a booster." Mathis disposed of the needle quickly. "I want an x-ray and then you're free to go."

"Nothing is broken. I can tell. Please give me a break." Toby tried to reason with her. 

She looked again, touching gently and pushing. "Scale of one to ten. How much pain?"

"Four. Even if it is cracked, there's nothing you can do. It'll heal. They always do." Toby itched to put his shirt on.

"I recognize this type of scar." Her gloved hands pressed another spot. "Where were you?"

"Oswald." Toby went ahead and grabbed the shirt. "Trust me."

Mathis came back around and shrugged. "Take it easy and come in if you feel any unusual pain. Next time, duck faster and get behind Stabler."

"He was pissing. It takes him longer one-handed." Toby grinned. He put the shirt on fast and gently pressed the new bandage on his face. "Will it scar?"

"Probably not. A thin line, maybe." She made a few notes on his chart. "He had a fine hand. Now, you still have to fill out all the proper paperwork, but I'll take you to the nurse. Here's a prescription for a mild painkiller. Take them and stay away from stairs."

"Thanks." Toby got off the table. "You're not so bad."

"High praise indeed." She took him out to a different nurse, explained the situation quickly, and left him there. Toby started on the paperwork. Since he had no insurance, there wasn't much to fill out.

"None? At all?"

"No. I can pay cash today, if you want." Toby hoped he had enough to cover it.

She rolled her eyes. "Give me a break. This a real address? No Medicaid? No nothing?"

Toby smiled at her astonishment and decided to tell the truth. For some reason, it didn't hurt so much today. "I just got out of prison. I'll get some insurance. I promise."

"Prison? A nice, white boy like you?" She smiled now. "Imagine that. Okay. We'll send you a bill. Pay it."

"Will do. Promise." Toby made a note to get insurance. Now that he was thinking about the future, there were a few things he needed to do. Suddenly, Stabler was behind him. Toby pointed. "I live with him. I'm good for it."

"Detective Stabler." She didn't smile. "You're nothing but trouble."

Toby nodded. "It's true."

Stabler shrugged. "Just doing my job. Let's go, Toby. Got a prescription?"

"Yes." Toby stuck it in his pocket. "Is there a pharmacy close by?"

Stabler nodded. "You gonna live?"

"She told you everything." Toby knew she had. It was no big deal.

"Pretty much." Stabler got moving towards the car, and Toby went with him. They'd only been here an hour. Pretty amazing. It was good to have friends that could get things done. Stabler opened the car doors. "She told me to keep an eye on you. You cough up any blood, you tell me."

"I will." Toby knew that wasn't going to happen. "When did they start gluing wounds shut?"

"About five years ago." Stabler got buckled. "You missed it?"

"Completely." Toby wondered what else he'd missed. Maybe it was time to do something besides hide in the garage and read the classics. "Kathy took the computer, didn't she?"

"Yes." Stabler gave him a look. "Why?"

"Just thinking." Toby smiled. He pulled out his cell phone and looked at the picture of Holly that he'd taken last night. She was smiling. He scrolled to the one of Harry. He was going to be a handsome man. Perhaps the best of Toby and Genevieve mixed together. Toby missed Gary fiercely for a moment. That pain had dulled, but it would never fade.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Gary." Toby shut his phone and stowed it away. "So many mistakes."

Stabler made a soft sound of agreement. "Think there's hope for us?"

Toby thought about it long and hard. He'd screwed up and screwed up some more, but he'd learned a few things about who he was and who he wasn't. People were dead because of him, and he'd carry that with him always. However, he wasn't going to give up. He wasn't going to lie down and let the world pass him by. There were good things he wanted to do before he died. "Yes, Elliot, I think there is. You, maybe more than me, but yes. We'll get there."

"Glad to hear it."

*********  
Epilogue  
*********

"Look at you," Toby said and smiled. He was glad to see this day.

Stabler flexed his arm, no cast. "I'm a happy man."

Toby laughed and got him a beer and a soda for himself. "Don't hurt yourself. Take your shirt off and let me see."

"Later." Stabler opened his beer and reached for him, but didn't grab. Toby went without a complaint. Stabler twisted a strand of Toby's hair. "Have a good day at work?"

"It was fine." Toby breathed in Stabler and wanted to stand there forever. "You go see that girlfriend of yours?"

"She's not, which you know." Stabler kept his arm around him and headed for the sofa. They sat close. The cat barreled in the room and launched himself. He landed with a thud on Stabler's lap. "Furball."

Toby laughed, and the cat raced off. He was feeling good today also. "So, how is she?"

"She's okay. We never did find out that boy's name, and it's going to haunt her." Stabler turned on the TV and sipped his beer. "His gravestone reads, 'Heavenly Father, bless this unknown boy.'"

Toby thought about it. "I hate to say this, but if God blesses him then everything is fine."

Stabler gave him a strange look. "I hadn't thought of it that way. He is safe now."

"Exactly. He's not lost or forgotten or cast aside." Toby took a drink of soda. "You did good work on that case. I was impressed."

"Think it got me some brownie points with the guy upstairs?" Stabler's eyes stayed on the TV.

Toby nodded. "Definitely. I hate to ask this, but are they pairing you up with Benson again?"

"Should." Stabler gave him a push. "You're over it. Remember?"

"I remember." Toby still didn't like her all that much, but he was willing to live and let live. "As long as she's got your, um, back, I have no problem with her."

Stabler cocked an eyebrow at him. "I haven't seen the finished results of your apartment yet."

"That's because I haven't invited you inside." Toby grinned. He hadn't, and he knew Stabler would wait for it. Stabler glared at him. Toby shrugged. "The bunk beds worked well last weekend."

"They did. The rooms look nice. Thanks for your help." Stabler was still glowering at him. "Kathy was happy about it. She doesn't want you to move out."

"I don't get her." Toby didn't, but he didn't worry about it.

Stabler stood, took a long drink of beer, and put the empty bottle down on the coffee table. "My house. My apartment. I'm going to look."

Toby laughed. He loved it when Stabler pretended to be a bad ass. "I'll go with you."

They went upstairs together, and Toby opened the door. "You can go in."

"Thanks." Stabler stopped and looked around. "This is nicer than downstairs."

"I was going to go with the monastery look, but I couldn't bring myself to do it." Toby liked his new place. He stayed up here unless Stabler was home, and he'd sleep here when Stabler bunked at the crib. "Thanks for this. It means a lot to me."

Stabler sat down in front of the new computer. "Not fair."

"You can visit any time you want." Toby sat down on the futon. This was the living room. The other room he'd made into his bedroom, and it had a twin bed in it.

"A flat screen TV?" Stabler put his hands on his hips and looked around. "Okay. I'm moving in. How much is rent?"

Toby laughed. It was a small TV, but it had a good picture. He intended to turn it on some day. "Oh, we can work something out."

Stabler came over to him and tugged him up by his hair. Toby went willingly. He groaned as Stabler kissed him hard and long. "Show me the bedroom."

Toby nudged him that direction. Small bed, small room, small bathroom, but it was clean and it was his. "No pink."

"I like the colors you picked. Suits you." Stabler sat on the bed and smiled. "I feel like I'm on vacation."

Toby had to laugh. "Want me to stick an umbrella in your beer?"

"Come here and let me see your face up close." Stabler leaned back on his arms. Toby had seen that look before. His roommate was feeling frisky. He didn't mind, and he went to him and knelt down. Stabler took Toby's face in his hands and stared. "Thin line. For a vet, he did good work."

"That's what your lady doctor said." Toby kissed the wrist that had been in a cast. "Glad you're well."

Stabler was still staring at him. "Me too. Thanks for not running out on me."

"You were a pain in the ass." Toby grinned. "But I wasn't much better."

"Let's hang out up here tonight. I need some down time." Stabler leaned and gave him a quick kiss. "How about a back rub? I'm really itchy."

Toby put his head on Stabler's knee and laughed. "So I'm the cabana boy, huh?"

"Hey, good idea." Stabler peeled off his shirt. "Before I get distracted, have you heard from Angus lately?"

Toby got up and did his own inspection of Stabler's arm. Stabler would build muscle fast, but the scars were forever. It did look itchy, and Toby went to get the lotion. "We had lunch today. I stayed quiet and let him talk. It went okay."

Stabler's chest blocked the door. "Your shower is nicer than mine."

"Elliot, you can't move in." Toby laughed.

"Hey, what's that on the floor?" Stabler leaned over and stared under the sink. "Don't tell me."

"Okay, I won't." Toby just smiled. His cat had to have a way in the house, and the stairs were still in the garage. Stabler lifted the plastic lid and groaned. Toby gave him a pat. "Admit that you love him."

"No." Stabler shook his head. "I'm still willing to pay rent."

Toby shook his head. "This is my place." He shoved him back towards the bed, not that it worked. "But you can visit, occasionally, when I'm not busy working or reading."

"I should have renovated my two-thirds first," Stabler grumbled. He sighed. "Can I grab you and throw you on the bed?"

"No." Toby pointed. He still didn't like to be grabbed, and he didn't think he'd ever change his mind on that. "Go lie down and quit your bitching."

"Fine." Stabler got his stomach and stretched out. "Whose bed was this?"

"This is a mix, but the headboard is new. Spindles, in case you want to bring your cuffs on vacation." Toby, straddled him, squirted it out, and enjoyed the gasp from the cold. Stabler was grinning. He must like that idea. Toby started rubbing, making sure to get the arm. The skin was pale. He gave the shoulder it was attached to a kiss. "How often are you going to go to therapy?"

"Couple of times a week. It's damn weak. They're going to teach me exercises I can do at home." Stabler gave a groan. "That feels good."

Toby smiled down at him. "My cock is hard as rock."

Stabler glanced back at him. "And?"

"Well, I am on vacation." Toby took his shirt off and tossed it on top of Stabler's. "Even a cabana boy can dream of what he might do with your ass underneath him."

"Okay. Enough with the cabana boy stuff." Stabler reached back and popped open Toby's khakis. "Let's see what you got."

"It hasn't changed." Toby pressed it into Stabler's jeans. "I'm about done."

Stabler laughed. "You're always good for my ego. I guess the condoms are in my room."

Toby took a deep breath. "I got tested again."

"Really?" Stabler gave him a small push and wiggled out from underneath him. They sat together. "Why?"

"Just to be safe. I'm clean." Toby had known it, but he wanted to be sure. "You don't have to wear one, if you don't want to."

Stabler frowned slightly. "I haven't been tested recently."

"Have you had sex with anyone but me and Kathy?" Toby wasn't being nosy, not really.

"No." Stabler shrugged. "I guess you're right. I'm not at risk."

Toby nodded slowly and let Stabler think about it. While Stabler was thinking, Toby got closer and worked on the snap. It gave. Toby skimmed his fingers up and down, tucking into crevices and savoring the feel of taut skin. Stabler had no clue how good he was. It was part of his charm. Toby couldn't help himself. He had to lick him. Taste him. Make him squirm, just a little.

"That tongue of yours should be a registered weapon." Stabler gave a breathy moan and put his hand where he liked it - Toby's hair. Toby smiled and worked Stabler's jeans off him. Stabler let him do it, but returned the favor. Their skin slid and touched, and Toby wanted all of him.

"You going to ask?" Stabler claimed the top and thrust them together.

Toby shook his head, shoved against him, and pulled him down for a kiss that made him dizzy with desire. He didn't care if he ever had Stabler's ass. There was so much here to enjoy. He groped and pushed, ached for release, and Stabler pulled away.

"Wait!" Toby reached desperately. "Please!"

"Don't beg, Toby," Stabler whispered. He pushed him back flat and turned completely around. Toby flushed from the embarrassment of his neediness raising its head but he forgot it instantly when his cock was sucked into Stabler's mouth. He distracted himself by grabbing Stabler's ass and filling his own mouth. Give and take disintegrated into them both taking. Fingers curled, mouths pulled, and he shoved Stabler deep. Come filled the back of his throat, and he swallowed while coming. It was hard to pant and lick at the same time, and he finally had to pull away to catch his breath. He quivered, loving every minute of it.

"That was something." Stabler nearly fell off the bed, trying to get turned around, but Toby pulled, and they were together. Toby found some air and sighed. He shivered and groaned. Stabler kissed him. "I liked it."

"Me too," Toby whispered. "Again?"

Stabler laughed. "I'm kinda sticky."

"Yeah. It was nice." Toby pushed his stickiness into Stabler's stickiness. "You got two in you?"

"Probably three," Stabler bragged. "I just haven't wanted to scare you."

Toby raised his eyebrows. "Well, I'm going to find out tonight. You've dug your own grave."

Stabler smiled. "Put an umbrella in my beer, will ya?"

Toby laughed and held him close. "Yeah. I'll get on it."

"Hey, we haven't done that." Stabler wrapped him even tighter. Toby smiled. They could do that and a few other things. He was home, and he was going to stay here.

********  
The End


End file.
